The Senator's Laundry
Signora Mirandolina Rocca, who was the landlady of the house where the
Club were lodging, was a widow, of about forty years of age, still
fresh and blooming, with a merry dark eye, and much animation of
features. Sitting usually in the small room which they passed on the
way to their apartments, they had to stop to get their keys, or to
leave them when they went out, and Buttons and Dick frequently stopped
to have a li
Italian, contented themselves with smiles; the Senator particularly,
who gave the most beaming of smiles both on going and on returning.
Sometimes he even tried to talk to her in his usual adaptation of
broken English, spoken in loud tones to the benighted but fascinating
foreigner. Her attention to Dick during his sickness increased the
Senator's admiration, and he thought her one of the best, one of the
most kind-hearted and sympathetic of beings.
One day, toward the close of their stay in Rome, the Senator was in a
fix. He had not had any washing done since he came to the city. He had
run through all his clean linen, and came to a dead stand. Before
leaving for another place it was absolutely necessary to attend to
this. But how? Buttons was off with the Spaniards; Dick had gone out on
a drive. No one could help him, so he tried it himself. In fact, he had
never lost confidence in his powers of making himself understood. It
was still a fixed conviction of his that in cases of necessity any
intelligent man could make his wants known to intelligent foreigners.
If not, there is stupidity somewhere. Had he not done so in Paris and
in other places?
So he rang and managed to make the servant understand that he wished to
see the landlady. The landlady had always shown a great admiration for
the manly, not to say gigantic charms of the Senator. Upon him she
bestowed her brightest smile, and the quick flush on her face and
heaving breast told that the Senator had made wild work with her too
susceptible heart.
So now when she learned that the Senator wished to see her, she at once
imagined the cause to be any thing and every thing except the real one.
Why take that particular time, when all the rest were out? she thought.
Evidently for some tender purpose. Why send for her? Why not come down
to see her? Evidently because he did not like the publicity of her room
at the Conciergerie.
She arrayed herself, therefore, in her brightest and her best charms;
gave an additional flourish to her dark hair that hung wavingly and
luxuriantly, and still without a trace of gray, over her forehead;
looked at herself with her dark eyes in the glass to see if she
appeared to the best advantage; and finally, in some agitation, but
with great eagerness, she went to obey the summons.
Meantime the Senator had been deliberating how to begin. He felt that
he could not show his bundle of clothes to so fair and fine a creature
as this, whose manners were so soft and whose smile so pleasant. He
would do anything first. He would try a roundabout way of making known
his wishes, trusting to his own powers and the intelligence of the lady
for a full and complete understanding. Just as he had come to this
conclusion there was a timid knock at the door.
"Come in," said the Senator, who began to feel a little awkward
already.
"E permesso?" said a soft, sweet voice, "se puo entrare?" and
Signora Mirandolina Rocca advanced into the room, giving one look at
the Senator, and then casting down her eyes.
"Umilissima serva di Lei, Signore, mi commandi."
But the Senator was in a quandary. What could he do? How begin? What
gesture would be the most fitting for a beginning?
The pause began to be embarrassing. The lady, however, as yet was
calm--calmer, in fact, than when she entered.
So she spoke once more.
"Di che ha Ella bisogna, Illustrissimo?"
The Senator was dreadfully embarrassed. The lady was so fair in his
eyes. Was this a woman who could contemplate the fact of soiled linen?
Never.
"Ehem!" said he.
Then he paused.
"Serva devota," said Signora Mirandolina. "Che c'e, Signore."
Then, looking up, she saw the face of the Senator, all rosy red, turned
toward her with a strange confusion and embarrassment in his eye; yet
it was a kind eye--a soft, kind eye.
"Egli e forse innamorato di me," murmured the lady, gathering new
courage as she saw the timidity of the other. "Che grandezza!" she
continued, loud enough for the Senator to hear, yet speaking as if to
herself. "Che bellezza! un galantuomo, certamente--e quest' e molto
piacevole."
She glanced at the manly figure of the Senator with a tender admiration
in her eye, which she could not repress, and which was so intelligible
to the Senator that he blushed more violently than ever, and looked
helplessly around him.
"E innamorato di me, senza dubio," said the Signora, "vergogna non
vuol che si sapesse."
The Senator at length found voice. Advancing toward the lady he looked
at her very earnestly, and as she thought very piteously held out both
his hands, then smiled, then spread his hands apart, then nodded and
smiled again, and said:
"Me--me--want--ha--hum--ah! You
know--me--gentleman--hum--me----Confound the luck!" he added, in
profound vexation.
"Signore," said Mirandolina, "la di Lei gentelezza me confonde."
The Senator turned his eyes all around, everywhere, in a desperate,
half-conscious search for escape from an embarrassing situation.
"Signore noi ci siamo sole, nessuno ci senti," remarked the Signora
encouragingly.
"Me want to tell you this!" burst forth the Senator. "Clothes--you
know--washy--washy." Whereupon he elevated his eyebrows, smiled, and
brought the tips of his fingers together.
"Io non so che cosa vuol dir mi, Illustrissimo," said the Signora, in
bewilderment.
"You--you--you know. Ah? Washy? Hey? No, no," shaking his head, "not
washy, but get washy."
The landlady smiled. The Senator, encouraged by this, came a step
nearer.
"Che cosa? Il cuor me palpita. Io tremo," murmured La Rocca.
She retreated a step. Whereupon the Senator at once fell back again in
great confusion.
"Washy, washy," he repeated mechanically, as his mind was utterly vague
and distrait.
"Uassi-Uassi?" repeated the other interrogatively.
"Me----"
"Tu," said she, with tender emphasis.
"Wee, mounseer," said he, with utter desperation.
The Signora shook her head.
"Non capisco. Ma quelle, balordaggini ed intormentimente, che sono si
non segni manifesti d'amore?"
"I don't understand, marm, a single word of that."
The Signora smiled. The Senator took courage again.
"The fact is this, marm," said he firmly, "I want to get my clothes
washed somewhere. Of course you don't do it, but you can tell me, you
know. Hm?"
"Non capisco."
"Madame," said he, feeling confident that she would understand that
word at least, and thinking, too, that it might perhaps serve as a key
to explain any other words which he might append to it, "my clothes--I
want to get them washed--laundress--washy--soap and water--clean 'em
all up--iron 'em--hang 'em out to dry. Ha?"
While saying this he indulged in an expressive pantomime. When alluding
to his clothes he placed his hands against his chest, when mentioning
the drying of them he waved them in the air. The landlady comprehended
this. How not? When a gentleman places his hand on his heart, what is
his meaning?
"O sottigliezza d'amore!" murmured she. "Che cosa cerca," she
continued, looking up timidly but invitingly.
The Senator felt doubtful at this, and in fact a little frightened.
Again he placed his hands on his chest to indicate his clothes; he
struck that manly chest forcibly several times, looking at her all the
time. Then he wrung his hands.
"Ah, Signore," said La Rocca, with a melting glance, "non e d'uopo
di desperazione."
"Washy, washy----"
"Eppure, se Ella vuol sposarmi, non ce difficolta," returned the
other, with true Italian frankness.
"Soap and water----"
"Non ho il coraggio di dir di no."
The Senator had his arms outstretched to indicate the hanging-out
process. Still, however, feeling doubtful if he were altogether
understood, he thought he would try another form of pantomime. Suddenly
he fell down on his knees, and began to imitate the action of a
washer-woman over her tub, washing, wringing, pounding, rubbing.
"O gran' cielo!" cried the Signora, her pitying heart filled with
tenderness at the sight of this noble being on his knees before her,
and, as she thought, wringing his hands in despair. "O gran' cielo!
Egli e innamorato di me non puo parlar Italiano e cosi non puo
dirmelo."
Her warm heart prompted her, and she obeyed its impulse. What else
could she do? She flung herself into his outstretched arms as he raised
himself to hang out imaginary clothes on an invisible line.
The Senator was thunderstruck, confounded, bewildered, shattered,
overcome, crushed, stupefied, blasted, overwhelmed, horror-stricken,
wonder-smitten, annihilated, amazed, horrified, shocked, frightened,
terrified, nonplussed, wilted, awe-struck, shivered, astounded,
dumfounded. He did not even struggle. He was paralysed.
"Ah, carissimo," said a soft and tender voice in his ear, a low,
sweet voice, "se veramenta me ami, saro lo tua carissima sposa----"
At that moment the door opened and Buttons walked in. In an instant he
darted out. The Signora hurried away.
"Addio, bellissima, carissima gioia!" she sighed.
The Senator was still paralysed.
After a time he went with a pale and anxious face to see Buttons. That
young man promised secrecy, and when the Senator was telling his story
tried hard to look serious and sympathetic. In vain. The thought of
that scene, and the cause of it, and the blunder that had been made
overwhelmed him. Laughter convulsed him. At last the Senator got up
indignantly and left the room.
But what was he to do now? The thing could not be explained. How could
he get out of the house? He would have to pass her as she sat at the
door.
He had to call on Buttons again and implore his assistance. The
difficulty was so repugnant, and the matter so very delicate, that
Buttons declared he could not take the responsibility of settling it.
It would have to be brought before the Club.
The Club had a meeting about it, and many plans were proposed. The
stricken Senator had one plan, and that prevailed. It was to leave Rome
on the following day. For his part he had made up his mind to leave the
house at once. He would slip out as though he intended to return, and
the others could settle his bill, and bring with them the clothes that
had caused all this trouble. He would meet them in the morning outside
the gates of the city.
This resolution was adopted by all, and the Senator, leaving money to
settle for himself, went away. He passed hurriedly out of the door. He
dared not look. He heard a soft voice pronounce the word "Gioia!" He
fled.
Now that one who owned the soft voice afterward changed her feelings so
much toward her "gioia" that opposite his name in her house-book she
wrote the following epithets: Birbone, Villano, Zolicaccio,
Burberone, Gaglioffo, Meschino, Briconaccio, Anemalaccio.
More
-
A Toast
Here's a health to thee, Tom: a bright bumper we drain To the friends that our bosoms hold dear, As the bottle goes round, and again and again We whisper, "We wish he were here." Here's a health to thee, Tom: may the mis... Dominique
You dunno ma leetle boy Dominique? Never see heem runnin' roun' about de place? 'Cos I want to get advice how to kip heem lookin' nice, So he won't be alway dirty on de face. Now dat leetle boy of mine, Dominique, I... How Bateese Came Home
W'en I was young boy on de farm--dat's twenty year ago-- I have wan frien', he's leev near me, call Jean Bateese Trudeau, An offen, w'en we are alone, we lak for spik about De tam w'en we was come beeg man, wit' moustache on our mo... Mother Hunt's Chickens
Five years ago, come next summer, the old lady made a trip to Halifax, in one of our Digby coasters, to see sister Susannah, that is married in that city to Ted Fowler, the upholsterer, and took a whole lot of little notions with her to market to ... Sheepskins And Politics
You know Uncle Tim; he was small, very small--not in stature, for he was a six-footer, but small in mind and small in heart; his soul was no bigger than a flea's. "Zeb, my boy," says he to me one day, "always be neuter in elections. You can't get ... The Ahkoond Of Swat
What, what, what, What's the news from Swat? Sad news, Bad news, Comes by the cable led Through the Indian Ocean's bed, Through the Persian Gulf, the Red Sea and the Med- Iterranean--he's dead; ... The Amateur Orlando
It was an Amateur Dram. Ass. (Kind reader, although your Knowledge of French is not first-class Don't call that Amature.) It was an Amateur Dram. Ass., The which did warfare wage On the dramatic works of this An... The Blue Nose
Let the Student of Nature in rapture descant, On the Heaven's cerulean hue; Let the Lover indulge in poetical rant, When the eyes of his Mistress are blue. But fill high your glasses--fill, fill to the brim, I've ... The Centipede And The Barbaric Yak
While a Centipede was painfully toiling over the Libyan Desert he was encountered by a barbaric Yak, who scornfully asked him how were his poor feet. The humble creature made no reply at the time, but some days later found the barbaric Yak taken i... The Corduroy Road
De corduroy road go bompety bomp, De corduroy road go jompety jomp, An' he's takin' beeg chances upset hees load De horse dat'll trot on de corduroy road. Of course it's purty rough, but it's handy t'ing enough, An' dey... The Coroner And The Banana Peel
As a Coroner was entering a saloon to see a man he beheld a careless boy, who was eating a Banana, cast the rind of the fruit upon the slippery stone sidewalk, but instead of chiding the urchin, smiled and passed on. As he was coming out of the sa... The Deacon's Bargain
Old Deacon Bruce of Aylesford, last Monday week, bought a sleigh of his fellow-deacon, Squire Burns, for five pounds. On his way home with it, who should he meet but Zeek Morse, a-trudging along through the snow a-foot. "Friend Zeek," says the ... The Doctor
Old Dr. Green (you knowed him, in course--everybody knowed him) lived on Digby Neck. He was reckoned a skilful man, and was known to be a regular rotated doctor; but he drank like a fish (and it's actilly astonishing how many country doctors have ... The Glow-worm And The Famished Nightingale
A famished Nightingale, who had been singing to very thin houses, chanced to encounter a Glow-worm at eventide and prepared to make upon him a light repast. The unfortunate Lampyris Splendidula besought the Songster, in the sacred name of Art, not... The Gray Linnet
There's a little gray friar in yonder green bush, Clothed in sackcloth--a little gray friar, Like the druid of old in his temple--but hush! He's at vespers; you must not go nigher. Yet, the rogue! can those strains be addressed to the skies, And... The Hen And The Tailor
A Hen who had saved a Tailor from drowning in a marine disaster that had cost several of his less fortunate companions their lives asked him his opinion of the theory of evolution. The grateful Tailor replied that he was himself an instance of the... The Honest Newsboy
A Newsboy was passing along the street, when he chanced to discover a purse of greenbacks. He was at first inclined to conceal it, but, repelling the unworthy suggestion, he asked a Venerable Man if it was his'n. The Venerable Man looked at it hur... The Japanese Reporter
We do not know to this day to what circumstance we owed the honour of appearing in print in Japan--whether we were mistaken for individuals of distinction, or whether we were considered remarkable on our own merits on account of being by ourselves... The Merchant Of Venice
A Venetian Merchant who was lolling in the lap of luxury was accosted upon the Rialto by a friend who had not seen him for many months. "How is this?" cried the latter. "When I last saw you your gaberdine was out at elbows, and now you sail in you... The Ostrich And The Hen
An Ostrich and a Hen chanced to occupy adjacent apartments, and the former complained loudly that her rest was disturbed by the cackling of her humble neighbour. "Why is it," she finally asked the Hen, "that you make such an intolerable noise?" Th... The Plumber's Revenge A Legend Of Madison Avenue
Canto I--The Death-Bed Oath It was some thirty years ago, An evening calm and red, When a gold-haired stripling stood beside His father's dying-bed. "Attend, my son," the sick man said, "Unto my dying tones, A... The Rhinoceros And The Dromedary
A thirsty Rhinoceros, having to his great joy encountered a Dromedary in the desert of Sahara, besought the latter animal of his mercy to give him a drink, but the Dromedary refused, stating that he was holding the fluid for an advance. "Why," sai... The Senator's Laundry
Signora Mirandolina Rocca, who was the landlady of the house where the Club were lodging, was a widow, of about forty years of age, still fresh and blooming, with a merry dark eye, and much animation of features. Sitting usually in the small room ... The Unfortunate Elephant
An Elephant had been endeavouring to rive the bole of a knotted oak with his trunk, but the tree closed upon that member, detaining it, and causing the hapless Elphas Africanus intense pain. He shook the forest with his trumpeting, and all the bea... The Villager And The Snake
A Villager one frosty day found under a hedge a Snake almost dead with cold. Moved with compassion, and having heard that snake oil was good for the rheumatiz, he took it home and placed it on the hearth, where it shortly began to wake and crawl. ... To Mary
Oh! blame me not, Mary, for gazing at you, Nor suppose that my thoughts from the Preacher were straying, Tho' I stole a few glances--believe me 'tis true-- They were sweet illustrations of what he was saying. For, when h...