Amateur Gardening
"I don't see what in sin's become of them dahlias I set out this
Spring," said Tapehorn, a retired slop-shop merchant, to his wife, one
morning a month ago, as he hunted in vain among the weeds and grass of
his garden, to see where or when his two-dollars-a-piece dahlia roots
were going to appear.
"Can't think what's the matter with 'em," he continued. "Goldblossom
said they were the finest roots he ever
bloom--two months ago."
"Oh, pa, I forgot to tell you," said Miss Tapehorn, "that our Patrick,
one morning last Spring, was digging in the garden there, and he turned
up some things that looked just like sweet potatoes; mother and I looked
at them, and thought they were potatoes those Mackintoshes had left
undug when they moved away last winter!"
"Well, you-a--" gasped Tapehorn.
"Well, pa, ma and I had them all dug up and cooked, and they were the
meanest tasting things we ever knew, and we gave them all to the pigs!"
Tapehorn looked like a man in the last stages of disgust, and jamming
his fists down into his pockets, he walked into the house, muttering:
"Tut, tut, tut!--thirty-two dollars and the finest lot of dahlias in the
world--gone to the pigs!"
More
-
A Chapter On Misers
We all love, worship and adore that everlasting deity--money. The poor feel its want, the rich know its power. Virtue falls before its corrupting and seductive influence. Honor is tainted by it. Pride, pomp and power, are but the creatures of mone... A Circuitous Route
We know several folks who have a way of beating round and boxing the compass, from A to Z, and back again, that fairly knocks us into smithereens. One of these characters came to us the other day, and in a most mysterious manner, with the utmost e... A Circumlocutory Egg Pedler
We have been, frequently, much amused with the man[oe]uvring of some folks in trade. It's not your cute folks, who screw, twist and twirl over a smooth fourpence, or skin a flea for its hide and tallow, and spoil a knife that cost a shilling,--tha... A Desperate Race
Some years ago, I was one of a convivial party, that met in the principal hotel in the town of Columbus, Ohio, the seat of government of the Buckeye State. It was a winter evening when all without was bleak and stormy, and all within were blyth... A Distinction With A Difference
A gentleman from "out 'town," came into Redding & Co.'s on Christmas day, and leaning thoughtfully over the counter, says he to Prescott, "Got any Psalms here?" "N-n-no," says Prescott, reflectingly, "but," he continued, after a moment's pause,... A Dreadful State Of Excitement
A retrospective view of some ten or fifteen years, brings up a wonderful "heap of notions," which at their birth made quite a different sensation from that which their "bare remembrance" would seem to sanction now. The statement made in a "morning... A General Disquisition On Hinges
Did you ever see a real, true, unadulterated specimen of Down East, enter a store, or other place of every-day business, for the purpose of "looking around," or dicker a little? They are "coons," they are, upon all such occasions. We noted one of ... A Hint To Soyer
Magrundy says, in his work on Grub, that a Frenchman will "frigazee" a pair of old boots and make a respectable soup out of an ancient chapeau; but our friend Perriwinkle affirms that the French ain't "nowhere," after a feat he saw in the kitchen ... A Juvenile Joe Miller
We observed a small transaction last Wednesday noon, on Hanover street, that wasn't so coarse for an urchin hardly out of his swaddling clouts. He was a cunning-looking little fellow, and poking his head into a shoe shop, he bawls out in a very ke... A Night Adventure In Prairie Land
"I'll take a circuit around, and come out about the lower end of your mot,"* said I to my companion. "You remain here; lie down flat, and I'll warrant the old doe and her fawns will be found retracing their steps." [*] Mot is the name given... A Severe Spell Of Sickness
It is the easiest thing under heaven to be sick, if you can afford it. What it costs some rich men for family sickness per annum, would keep all the children in "a poor neighborhood" in "vittels" and clothes the year round. When old Cauliflower to... A Yankee In A Pork-house
"Conscience sakes! but hain't they got a lot of pork here?" said a looker-on in Quincy Market, t'other day. "Pork!" echoes a decidedly Green Mountain biped, at the elbow of the first speaker. "Yes, I vow it's quite as-tonishing how much pork ... A-a-a-in't They Thick?
During the "great excitement" in Boston, relative to the fugitive slave "fizzle," a good-natured country gentleman, by the name of Abner Phipps; an humble artisan in the fashioning of buckets, wash-tubs and wooden-ware generally, from one of the r... According To Gunter
Old Gunter was going home t'other night with a very heavy "turkey on"--about a forty-four pounder. Gunter accused the pavements of being icy, and down he came--kerchug! A "young lady" coming along, fidgetting and finiking, she made a very sudden a... Affecting Cruelty
A hard-fisted "old hunker," who has made $30,000 in fifty-one years, by saving up rags, old iron, bones, soap-grease, snipping off the edges of halves, quarters, and nine-pences, raised the whole neighborhood t'other evening. He came across a full... Amateur Gardening
"I don't see what in sin's become of them dahlias I set out this Spring," said Tapehorn, a retired slop-shop merchant, to his wife, one morning a month ago, as he hunted in vain among the weeds and grass of his garden, to see where or when his two... Ambition
A person never thinks so meanly of ambition as when walking through a grave-yard.--To see men who have filled the world with their glory for half a century or more, reduced to a six foot mudhole, gives pride a shock which requires a long stay in a... An Active Settlement
Gen. Houston lives, when at home, at Huntsville, Texas; the inhabitants mostly live, says Humboldt, Beeswax, Borax, or some of the other historians, by hunting. The wolves act as watchmen at night, relieved now and then by the Ingins, who make the... An Everlasting Tall Duel
After all the vicissitudes, ups and downs of a soldier's life, especially in such a campaign as that in Mexico, there is a great deal of music mixed up with the misery, fun with the fuss and feathers, and incident enough to last a man the balance ... Andrew Jackson And His Mother
It is a most singular, or at least curious fact, connected with the histories of most all eminent men, that they were denied--by the decrees of stern poverty, or an all-wise Providence--those facilities and indulgences supposed to be so essentiall... Appearances Are Deceitful
There are a great many good jokes told of the false notions formed as to the character and standing of persons, as judged by their dress and other outward signs. It is asserted, that a fine coat and silvery tone of voice, are no evidence of the ge... Ben Mcconachy's Great Dog Sell
A great many dogmas have been written, and may continue to be written, on dogs. Confessing, once, to a dogmatical regard for dogs, we "went in" for the canine race, with a zeal we have bravely outgrown; and we live to wonder how men--to say nothin... Bill Whiffletree's Dental Experience
Have you ever had the tooth-ache? If not, then blessed is your ignorance, for it is indeed bliss to know nothing about the tooth-ache, as you know nothing, absolutely nothing about pain--the acute, double-distilled, rectified agony that lurks abou... Borrowed Finery Or Killed Off By A Ballet Girl
Shakspeare has written--"let him that's robbed--not wanting what is stolen, not know it, and he's not robbed at all!" Now this fact often becomes very apparent, especially so in the case of Mrs. Pompaliner,--a lady of whom we have had occasion to ... Cabbage Vs Men
Theodore Parker says, the cultivation of man is as noble and praiseworthy a science, as the cultivation of cabbage, or the garden sass! Says brother Theodore, "You don't cast garden-seed in the mire, over the rough broken ground, and exhibit your ... Chasing A Fugitive Subscriber
Printers, from time immemorial--back possibly to the days of Faust--have suffered martyrdom, more or less, at the hands of the people who didn't pay! Many of the long-established newspaper concerns can show a "black list" as long as the militia la... Cigar Smoke
Few persons can readily conceive of the amount of cigars consumed in this country, daily, to say little or nothing of the yearly smokers. The growing passion for the noxious weed is truly any thing but pleasantly contemplative. A boy commences smo... Dodging The Responsibility
"Sir!" said Fieryfaces, the lawyer, to an unwilling witness, "Sir! do you say, upon your oath, that Blinkins is a dishonest man?" "I didn't say he was ever accused of being an honest man, did I?" replied Pipkins. "Does the court understand yo... Dog Day
I used to like dogs--a puppy love that I got bravely over, since once upon a time, when a Dutch bottier, in the city of Charleston, S. C., put an end to my poor Sue,--the prettiest and most devoted female bull terrier specimen of the canine race y... Don't Know You Sir!
We shall never forget, and always feel proud of the fact, that we knew so great an every-day Plato as Davy Crockett. Had the old Colonel never uttered a better idea than that everlasting good motto--"Be sure you're right, then go ahead!" his wisdo... Don't You Believe In 'em?
We are astounded at the incredulity of some people. Every now and then you run afoul of somebody who does not believe in spiritual knockers. Enter any of our drinking saloons, take a seat, or stand up, and look on for an hour or two, especially ab... Genius For Business
It's a highly prized faculty in shop-keeping to sell something when a customer comes in, if you can. A female relative of ours went into a Hanover street fancy store 'tother day, to "look over" some ivory card and needle cases; the slightly agri... German Caution
Some ten years since, an old Dutchman purchased in the vicinity of Brooklyn, a snug little farm for nine thousand dollars. Last week, a lot of land speculators called on him to "buy him out." On asking his price, he said he would take "sixty tousa... Getting Into The Right Pew
New Year's day is some considerable "pumpkins" in many parts of the United States. In the Western States, they have horse-racing, shooting-matches, quilting-frolics and grand hunting parties. In the South, the week beginning with Christmas and end... Getting Square
It seems to be just as natural for a subordinate in a "grocery" to levy upon the till, for material aid to his own pocket, as for the sparks to fly upwards or water run down hill. Innumerable stories are told of the peculations of these "light-fin... Governor Mifflin's First Coal Fire
It is truly astonishing, that the inexhaustible beds--mines of anthracite coal, lying along the Schuylkill river and ridges, valleys and mountains, from old Berks county to the mountains of Shamokin, were not found out and applied to domestic uses... Have You Got Any Old Boots?
No slight portion of the ills that flesh is heir to, in a city life, is the culinary item of rent day. Washing day has had its day--machines and fluid have made washing a matter of science and ease, and we are no longer bearded by fuming and uncou... Hereditary Complaints
Meanness is as natural to some people, as gutta percha beefsteaks in a cheap boarding-house. Schoodlefaker says he saw a striking instance in Quincy market last Saturday. An Irish woman came up to a turkey merchant, and says she-- "What wud yee...