Dog Day
I used to like dogs--a puppy love that I got bravely over, since once
upon a time, when a Dutch bottier, in the city of Charleston, S. C.,
put an end to my poor Sue,--the prettiest and most devoted female bull
terrier specimen of the canine race you ever did see, I guess. My Sue
got into the wrong pew, one morning; the crout-eating cordwainer and she
had a dispute--he, the bullet-headed ball of wax, ups with his revolver,
/>
and--I was dogless! I don't think dogs a very profitable investment, and
every man weak enough to keep a dog in a city, ought to pay for the
luxury handsomely--to the city authorities. Some people have a great
weakness for dogs. Some fancy gentlemen seem to think it the very apex
of highcockalorumdom to have the skeleton of a greyhound and highly
polished collar--following them through crowded thorough-fares. Some
young ladies, especially those of doubtful ages, delight in caressing
lumps of white, cotton-looking dumpy dogs and toting them around, to the
disgust of the lookers-on--with all the fondness and blind infatuation
of a mamma with her first born, bran new baby. Wherever you see any
quantity of white and black loafers--Philadelphia, for instance,
you'll see rafts of ugly and wretched looking curs. Boz says poverty and
oysters have a great affinity; in this country, for oysters read dogs.
Who has not, that ever travelled over this remarkable country, had
occasion to be down on dogs? Who that has ever lain awake, for hours at
a stretch, listening to a blasted cur, not worth to any body the powder
that would blow him up--but has felt a desire to advocate the dog-law,
so judiciously practised in all well-regulated cities? Who that ever
had a sneaking villanous cur slip up behind and nip out a patch of
your trowsers, boot top and calf--the size of an oyster, but has felt
for the pistol, knife or club, and sworn eternal enmity to the whole
canine race? Who that ever had a big dog jump upon your Russia-ducks and
patent leathers--just as he had come out of a mud-puddle, but has nearly
forfeited his title to Christianity, by cursing aloud in his grief--like
a trooper? Well, I have, for one of a thousand.
The fact of the business is, with precious few exceptions, dogs are a
nuisance, whatever Col. Bill Porter of the "Spirit," and his thousand
and one dog-fancying and inquiring friends, may think to the contrary;
and the man that will invest fifty real dollars in a dog-skin, has got a
tender place in his head, not healed up as it ought to be.
While "putting up," t'other day, at the Irving House, New York, I heard
a good dog story that will bear repeating, I think. A sporting gent from
the country, stopping at the Irving, wanted a dog, a good dog, not
particular whether it was a spaniel, hound, pointer, English terrier or
Butcher's bull. So a friend advised him to put an advertisement in the
Sun and Spirit of the Times, which he did, requesting the "fancy" to
bring along the right sort of dog to the Irving House, room number --.
The advertisement appeared simultaneously in the two papers on Saturday.
There were but few calls that day; but on Monday, the "Spirit" having
been freely imbibed by its numerous readers over Sunday, the dog men
were awake, and then began the scene. The occupant of room number --had
scarcely got up, before a servant appeared with a man and a dog.
"Believe, sir, you advertised for a dog?" quoth he with the animal.
"Yes," was the response of the country fancy man, who, by the way, it
must be premised, was rather green as to the quality and prices of fancy
dogs.
"What kind of a dog do you call that?" he added.
"A greyhound, full blooded, sir."
"Full blooded?" says the country sportsman. "Well, he don't look as
though he had much blood in him. He'd look better, wouldn't he, mister,
if he was full bellied--looks as hollow as a flute!"
This remark, for a moment, rather staggered the dog man, who first
looked at his dog and then at the critic. Choking down his dander, or
disgust, says he:
"That's the best greyhound you ever saw, sir."
"Well, what do you ask for him?"
"Seventy-five dollars."
"What? Seventy-five dollars for that dog frame?"
"I guess you're a fool any way," says the dog man: "you don't know a
hound from a tan yard cur, you jackass! Phe-e-wt! come along, Jerry!"
and the man and dog disappeared.
The man with the hollow dog had not stepped out two minutes, before the
servant appeared with two more dog merchants; both had their specimens
along, and were invited to "step in."
"Ah! that's a dog!" ejaculated the country sportsman, the moment his
eyes lit upon the massive proportions of a thundering edition of Mt. St.
Bernard.
"That is a dog, sir," was the emphatic response of the dog merchant.
"How much do you ask for that dog?" quoth the sportsman.
"Well," says the trader, patting his dog, "I thought of getting about
fifty-five dollars for him, but I--"
"Stop," interrupted the country sportsman, "that's enough--he won't
suit, no how; I can't go them figures on dogs." The man and dog left
growling, and the next man and dog were brought up.
"Why, that's a queer dog, mister, ain't it? 'Tain't got no hair on it;
why, where in blazes did you raise such a dog as that; been scalded,
hain't it?" says the rural sportsman, examining the critter.
"Scalded?" echoed the dog man, looking no ways amiable at the speaker,
"why didn't you never see a Chinese terrier, afore?"
"No, and if that's one, I don't care about seeing another. Why, he looks
like a singed possum?"
"Well, you're a pooty looking country jake, you are, to advertise for a
dog, and don't know Chiney terrier from a singed possum?"
Another rap at the door announced more dogs, and as the man opened it to
get out with his singed possum, a genus who evidently "killed for
Keyser," rushed in with a pair of the
ugliest-looking--savage--snub-nosed, slaughter-house pups, "the fancy"
might ever hope to look upon! As these meat-axish canines made a rush at
the very boot tops of the country sportsman, he "shied off," pretty
perceptibly.
"Are you de man advertised for de dogs, sa-a-ay? You needn't be afraid
o' dem; come a'here, lay da-own, Balty--day's de dogs, mister, vot you
read of!"
"Ain't they rather fierce?" asked the rural sportsman, eyeing the ugly
brutes.
"Fierce? Better believe dey are--show 'em a f-f-ight, if you want to see
'em go in for de chances! You want to see der teeth?"
"No, I guess not," timidly responded the sportsman; "they are not
exactly what I want," he continued.
"What," says Jakey, "don't want 'em? Why, look a'here, you don't go for
to say dat you 'spect I'm agoin' for to fetch d-dogs clean down here,
for nuthin', do you, sa-a-ay? Cos if you do, I'll jis drop off my duds
and lam ye out o' yer boots!"
Jakey was just beginning to square, when his belligerent propositions
were suddenly nipped in the bud, by the servant opening the door and
ushering in more dogs; and no sooner did Jakey's pups see the
new-comers, than they went in; a fight ensued--both of Jakey's pups
lighting down on an able-bodied, big-bone sorrel dog, who appeared
perfectly happy in the transaction, and having a tremendous jaw of his
own, made the bones of the pups crack with the high pressure he gave
them. Of course a dog fight is the cue for a man fight, and in the wag
of a dead lamb's tail, Jakey and the proprietor of the sorrel dog had a
dispute. Jakey was attitudinizing a la "the fancy," when the sorrel
dog man--who, like his dog, was got up on a liberal scale of strength
and proportions--walked right into Jakey's calculations, and whirled him
in double flip-flaps on to the wash-stand of the rural sportsman's room!
Our sporting friend viewed the various combatants more in bodily fear
than otherwise, and was making a break for the door, to clear himself,
when, to his horror and amazement, he found the entry beset by sundry
men and boys, and any quantity of dogs--dogs of every hue, size, and
description. At that moment the chawed-up pups of Jakey, and their
equally used-up master, came a rushing down stairs--another fight ensued
on the stairs between Jakey's dogs and some others, and then a stampede
of dogs--mixing up of dogs--tangling of ropes and straps--cursing and
hurraing, and such a time generally, as is far better imagined than
described. The boarders hearing such a wild outcry--to say nothing of
the yelps of dogs, came out of their various rooms, and retired as
quickly, to escape the stray and confused dogs, that now were ki-yi-ing,
yelping, and pitching all over the house! By judicious marshalling of
the servants--broom-sticks, rolling-pins and canes, the dogs and their
various proprietors were ejected, and order once more restored; the
country sportsman seized his valise, paid his bills and "vamosed the
ranche," and ever after it was incorporated in the rules of the Irving,
that gentlemen are strictly prohibited from dealing in dogs while
"putting up" in that house.