Infirmities Of Nature
Some folks are easily glorified. We once knew a man who became so elated
because he was elected first sergeant in the militia, that he went home
and put a silver plate on his door. Ollapod, in speaking of this kind of
people, makes mention of one Sabin, who was so overjoyed the first time
he saw his name in the list of letters, advertised by the post-office,
that he called his friends together and put them through on woodcock.
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Dog Day
I used to like dogs--a puppy love that I got bravely over, since once upon a time, when a Dutch bottier, in the city of Charleston, S. C., put an end to my poor Sue,--the prettiest and most devoted female bull terrier specimen of the canine race y... Don't Know You Sir!
We shall never forget, and always feel proud of the fact, that we knew so great an every-day Plato as Davy Crockett. Had the old Colonel never uttered a better idea than that everlasting good motto--"Be sure you're right, then go ahead!" his wisdo... Don't You Believe In 'em?
We are astounded at the incredulity of some people. Every now and then you run afoul of somebody who does not believe in spiritual knockers. Enter any of our drinking saloons, take a seat, or stand up, and look on for an hour or two, especially ab... Genius For Business
It's a highly prized faculty in shop-keeping to sell something when a customer comes in, if you can. A female relative of ours went into a Hanover street fancy store 'tother day, to "look over" some ivory card and needle cases; the slightly agri... German Caution
Some ten years since, an old Dutchman purchased in the vicinity of Brooklyn, a snug little farm for nine thousand dollars. Last week, a lot of land speculators called on him to "buy him out." On asking his price, he said he would take "sixty tousa... Getting Into The Right Pew
New Year's day is some considerable "pumpkins" in many parts of the United States. In the Western States, they have horse-racing, shooting-matches, quilting-frolics and grand hunting parties. In the South, the week beginning with Christmas and end... Getting Square
It seems to be just as natural for a subordinate in a "grocery" to levy upon the till, for material aid to his own pocket, as for the sparks to fly upwards or water run down hill. Innumerable stories are told of the peculations of these "light-fin... Governor Mifflin's First Coal Fire
It is truly astonishing, that the inexhaustible beds--mines of anthracite coal, lying along the Schuylkill river and ridges, valleys and mountains, from old Berks county to the mountains of Shamokin, were not found out and applied to domestic uses... Have You Got Any Old Boots?
No slight portion of the ills that flesh is heir to, in a city life, is the culinary item of rent day. Washing day has had its day--machines and fluid have made washing a matter of science and ease, and we are no longer bearded by fuming and uncou... Hereditary Complaints
Meanness is as natural to some people, as gutta percha beefsteaks in a cheap boarding-house. Schoodlefaker says he saw a striking instance in Quincy market last Saturday. An Irish woman came up to a turkey merchant, and says she-- "What wud yee... Hotel Keeping
Fortunes are made--very readily, it is said, in our large cities, by Hotel keeping. It does look money-making business to a great many people, who stop in a large hotel a day or two, and perhaps, after eating about two meals out of six--walking in... How It's Done At The Astor House
People often wonder how a man can manage to drink up his salary in liquor, provided it is sufficient to buy a gallon of the very best ardent every day in the year. How a fortune can be drank up, or drank down, by the possessor, is still a greater ... Humbug
There is no end to the humbug in life. About half we say, and more than half we do, is tinged with humbug. "My Dear Sir," we say, when we address a letter to a fellow we have never seen, and if seen, perhaps don't care a continental cent for him; ... If It Ain't Right I'll Make It All Right In The Morning!
A keen, genteely dressed, gentlemanly man "put up" at Beltzhoover's Hotel, in Baltimore, one day some years ago, and after dining very sumptuously every day, drinking his Otard, Margieux and Heidsic, and smoking his "Tras," "Byrons," and "Cassador... Incidents In A Fortune-hunter's Life
We do not now recollect what philosopher it was who said, "it's no disgrace to be poor, but it's often confoundedly unhandy!" But, we have little or no sympathy for poor folks, who, ashamed of their poverty, make as many and tortuous writhings to ... Infirmities Of Nature
Some folks are easily glorified. We once knew a man who became so elated because he was elected first sergeant in the militia, that he went home and put a silver plate on his door. Ollapod, in speaking of this kind of people, makes mention of one ... Jake Hinkle's Failings
In the village of Washington, Fayette Co., Ohio, there was a transient sort of a personage, a kind of floating farmer, named Hinkle,--Jacob Hinkle,--commonly called Old Jake Hinkle. Jake was, originally, a Dutchman, a Pennsylvania, Lancaster Count... Jipson's Great Dinner Party
"Well, you must do it." "Do it?" "Do it, sir," reiterated the lady of Jipson, a man well enough to do in the world, chief clerk of a "sugar baker," and receiving his twenty hundred dollars a year, with no perquisites, however, and--plenty of ... Jolly Old Times
Either mankind or his constitution has changed since "the good old times," for we read in an old medicine book, that bleeding at the nose, and cramp, could be effectually prevented by wearing a dried toad in a bag at the pit of the stomach; while ... Legal Advice
Old Ben. Franklin said it was his opinion that, between imprisonment and being at large in debt to your neighbor, there was no difference worthy the name of it. Some people have a monstrous sight of courage in debt, more than they have out of it, ... Look Out For Them Lobsters
Deacon ----, who resides in a pleasant village inside of an hour's ride upon Fitchburg road, rejoices in a fondness for the long-tailed crustacea, vulgarly known as lobsters. And, from messes therewith fulminated, by some of our professors of gast... Major Blink's First Season At Saratoga
"Ha, ha!" said Uncle Joe Blinks, as the subject of summer travel, a jaunt somewhere, was being discussed among the regular boarders in Mrs. Bamberry's spacious old-fashioned parlors; "Ha! ha! ha! ladies, did Mrs. Bamberry ever tell you of my tour ... Miseries Of A Dandy
That poverty is at times very unhandy--yea, humiliating, we can bear witness; but that any persons should make their poverty an everlasting subject of shame and annoyance to themselves, is the most contemptible nonsense we know of. During our juni... Miseries Of Bachelorhood
Dabster says he would not mind living as a bachelor, but when he comes to think that bachelors must die--that they have got to go down to the grave "without any body to cry for them"--it gives him a chill that frost-bites his philosophy. Dabster w... Mixing Meanings Mangling English
There is an individual in Quincy Market, "doing business," who is down on customers who don't speak proper. "What's eggs, this morning?" says a customer. "Eggs, of course," says the dealer. "I mean--how do they go?" "Go?--where?" "Sho... Mysteries And Miseries Of Housekeeping
People of experience tell awful stories about the miseries of boarding, and boarding-houses, and it is very clearly palpable to us that keepers of boarding-houses could a tale unfold of their own miseries, equal, if not double that of the luckless... Mysteries And Miseries Of The Life Of A City Editor
A great deal has been written, to show that the literary business is a very disagreeable business; and that branch of it coming under the "Editorial" head is about as comfortable as the bed of Procustes would be to an invalid. It may doubtless loo... Nights With The Caucusers
Office-Seeking has become a legitimatized branch of our every-day business, as much so as in former times "reduced gentlemen" took to keeping school or posting books. In former times, men took to politics to give zest to a life already replete wit... Nursing A Legacy
Waiting for dead men's shoes is a slow and not very sure business; sometimes it pays and sometimes it don't. I know a genius who lost by it, and his case will bear repeating, for there is both morality and fun in it. Lev Smith, a native of "the... Old Jack Ringbolt
Had been spinning old Mrs. Tartaremetic any quantity of salty yarns; she was quite surprised at Mr. Ringbolt's ups and downs, trials, travels and tribulations. Honest Jack (!) had assured the old dame that he had sailed over many and many cities, ...