Practical Philosophy
Skinflint and old Jack Ringbolt had a dispute on Long Wharf, a few days
since, upon a religious pint. Jack argued the matter upon a specie
basis, and Skinflint took to "moral suasion." Jack went in for equal
division of labor and money--all over the world.
"Suppose, now, John," says Skinflint, "we rich men should share equal
with the poor--their imprudence would soon throw all the wealth into our
hands again!"
"Wall," says Jack, "s'pose it did! You'd only have to--share all around
again!"
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Look Out For Them Lobsters
Deacon ----, who resides in a pleasant village inside of an hour's ride upon Fitchburg road, rejoices in a fondness for the long-tailed crustacea, vulgarly known as lobsters. And, from messes therewith fulminated, by some of our professors of gast... Major Blink's First Season At Saratoga
"Ha, ha!" said Uncle Joe Blinks, as the subject of summer travel, a jaunt somewhere, was being discussed among the regular boarders in Mrs. Bamberry's spacious old-fashioned parlors; "Ha! ha! ha! ladies, did Mrs. Bamberry ever tell you of my tour ... Miseries Of A Dandy
That poverty is at times very unhandy--yea, humiliating, we can bear witness; but that any persons should make their poverty an everlasting subject of shame and annoyance to themselves, is the most contemptible nonsense we know of. During our juni... Miseries Of Bachelorhood
Dabster says he would not mind living as a bachelor, but when he comes to think that bachelors must die--that they have got to go down to the grave "without any body to cry for them"--it gives him a chill that frost-bites his philosophy. Dabster w... Mixing Meanings Mangling English
There is an individual in Quincy Market, "doing business," who is down on customers who don't speak proper. "What's eggs, this morning?" says a customer. "Eggs, of course," says the dealer. "I mean--how do they go?" "Go?--where?" "Sho... Mysteries And Miseries Of Housekeeping
People of experience tell awful stories about the miseries of boarding, and boarding-houses, and it is very clearly palpable to us that keepers of boarding-houses could a tale unfold of their own miseries, equal, if not double that of the luckless... Mysteries And Miseries Of The Life Of A City Editor
A great deal has been written, to show that the literary business is a very disagreeable business; and that branch of it coming under the "Editorial" head is about as comfortable as the bed of Procustes would be to an invalid. It may doubtless loo... Nights With The Caucusers
Office-Seeking has become a legitimatized branch of our every-day business, as much so as in former times "reduced gentlemen" took to keeping school or posting books. In former times, men took to politics to give zest to a life already replete wit... Nursing A Legacy
Waiting for dead men's shoes is a slow and not very sure business; sometimes it pays and sometimes it don't. I know a genius who lost by it, and his case will bear repeating, for there is both morality and fun in it. Lev Smith, a native of "the... Old Jack Ringbolt
Had been spinning old Mrs. Tartaremetic any quantity of salty yarns; she was quite surprised at Mr. Ringbolt's ups and downs, trials, travels and tribulations. Honest Jack (!) had assured the old dame that he had sailed over many and many cities, ... Old Maguire And His Horse Bonny Doon
Few animals possess the sagacity of the horse; passive and obedient, they are easily trained; bring them up the way you want them to go, and they'll go it! The horse in his old age does not forget the precepts of his youth. A very touching anecdot... Passing Around The Fodder!
A DINNER SKETCH. A few weeks ago, during a passage from Gotham to Boston, on the "Empire State," one of the most elegant and swift steamers that ever man's ingenuity put upon the waters, I met a well-known joker from the Quaker city, on his fir... Penalty Of Kissing Your Own Wife
Cato, when Censor of Rome, expelled from the Senate Manilius, whom the general opinion had marked out for counsellor, because he had given his wife a kiss in the day time, in the sight of his daughter. And this reminds us of a local story told us ... People Do Differ!
Fifty years ago, Uncle Sam was almost a stranger on the maps; he hadn't a friend in the world, apparently, while he had more enemies than he could shake a stick at. Every body snubbed him, and every body wanted to lick him. But Sam has now grown t... Philosophy Of The Times
The philosophy of the present age is peculiarly the philosophy of outsides. Few dive deeper into the human breast than the bosom of the shirt. Who could doubt the heart that beats beneath a cambric front? or who imagine that hand accustomed to dir... Pills And Persimmons
I remember an old "Joke" told me by my father, of an old, and rather addle-headed gentleman, who some fifty years ago did business in New Castle, Delaware, and having occasion to send out to England for hardware, wrote his order, and as he was abo... Practical Philosophy
Skinflint and old Jack Ringbolt had a dispute on Long Wharf, a few days since, upon a religious pint. Jack argued the matter upon a specie basis, and Skinflint took to "moral suasion." Jack went in for equal division of labor and money--all over t... Presence Of Mind
Mr. Davenport--the "Ned Davenport" of the Bowery boys--before sailing for Europe and while attached to the Bowery Theatre, was of the lean and hungry kind. In fact he was extremely lean--tall as a may-pole, and slender enough to crawl through a gr... Putting Me On A Platform!
Human nature doubtless has a great many weak points, and no few bipeds have a great itching after notoriety and fame. Fame, I am credibly informed, is not unlike a greased pig, always hard chased, but too eternal slippery for every body to hold on... Quartering Upon Friends
City-bred people have a pious horror of the country in winter, and no great regard for country visitors at any time, however much they may "let on" to the contrary. In rushing hot weather, when the bricks and mortar, the stagnated, oven-like ai... Ralph Waldo Emerson
Of all the public lecturers of our time and place, none have attracted more attention from the press, and consequently the people, than RALPH WALDO EMERSON. Lecturing has become quite a fashionable science--and now, instead of using the old sty... Rather Twangy
Three Irishmen, green as the Isle that per-duced 'em, but full of sin, and fond of the crater, broke into a country store down in Maine, one night last week, and after striking a light, they lit upon a large demijohn, having the suspicious look of... Roosting Out
In 1837, after the capture of Santa Anna, by General Samuel Houston and his little Spartan band, which event settled the war, and something like tranquillity being restored to Texas, several of us adventurers formed a small hunting party, and took... Scientific Labor
"Bob, what yer doing now?" "Aiding Nat'ral History." "Aiding Nat'ral History--what do yer mean by that?" "Why every time the kangaroo jumps over the monkey, I hold his tail up." ... Selling A Landlord
During the great gathering of people in Quakerdom, while the Whigs were dovetailing in Old Zack, an artful dodger, a queer quizzing Boston friend of mine, thought a little side play wouldn't be out of the way, so to work he goes to get up a muss, ... Snaking Out Sturgeons
We have roared until our ribs fairly ached, at the relation of the following "item" on sturgeons, by a loquacious friend of ours:-- It appears our friend was located on the Kennebec river, a few years ago, and had a number of hands employed abou... Sure Cure
Travel is a good invention to cure the blues and condense worldly effects. When Cutaway went to California, "I carried," said he, "a pile of despondency, and more baggage, boots, and boxes, than would fit out a caravan. After an absence of just fo... Taking Down A Sheriff
Ex-honorable John Buck, once the "representative" of a district out West, a lawyer originally, and finally a gentleman at large, and Jeremy Diddler generally, took up his quarters in Philadelphia, years ago, and putting himself upon his dignity, h... The Advertisement
Sit down for a moment, we will not detain you long, our story will interest you, we are sure, for it is most commendable, brief, and--singularly true. A poor widow, in the city of Philadelphia, was the mother of three pretty children, orphans o... The Bigger Fool The Better Luck
The American "Ole Bull," young Howard, one of the most scientific crucifiers of the violin we ever heard, gave us a call t'other day, and not only discoursed heavenly music upon his instrument, but gave us the "nub" of a few jokes worth dishing up... The Broomstick Marriage
"Marry in haste and repent at leisure," is a time-honored idea, and calls to mind a matrimonial circumstance which, according to pretty lively authority, once came about in the glorious Empire State. A certain Captain of a Lake Erie steamer, who w... The Emperor And The Poor Author
"The pen is mightier than the sword." Great men are not the less liable or addicted to very small, and very mean, and sometimes very rascally acts, but they are always fortunate in having any amount of panegyric graven on marble slabs, shaf...