A Bright Rejoinder
AN Englishman paying an Irish shoeblack with rudeness, the dirty
urchin said, My honey, all the polish you have is upon your boots
and I gave you that.
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A Bad Shot
A COCKNEY being out one day amusing himself with shooting, happened to fire through a hedge, on the other side of which was a man standing. The shot passed through the man's hat, but missed the bird. Did you fire at me, sir? he hastily asked. O! no,... A Balance
PAY me that six-and-eightpence you owe me, Mr. Malrooney, said a village attorney. For what?--For the opinion you had of me.--Faith, I never had any opinion of you in all my life. ... A Banker's Check
ROGERS, when a certain M.P., in a review of his poems, said he wrote very well for a banker, wrote, in return, the following:-- They say he has no heart, and I deny it: He has a heart, and--gets his speeches by it. ... A Barber Shaved By A Lawyer
SIR, said a barber to an attorney who was passing his door, will you tell me if this is a good half-sovereign? The lawyer, pronouncing the piece good, deposited it in his pocket, adding, with gravity, If you'll send your lad to my office, I'll retur... A Base Joke
A GENTLEMAN one day observed to Henry Erskine, that punning was the lowest of wit. It is, answered Erskine, and therefore the foundation of all wit. ... A Base One
A FRIEND was one day reading to Jerrold an account of a case in which a person named Ure was reproached with having suddenly jilted a young lady to whom he was engaged. Ure seems to have turned out to be a base 'un, said Jerrold. ... A Bearable Pun
AN illiterate vendor of beer wrote over his door at Harrogate, Bear sold here.--He spells the word quite correctly, said Theodore Hook, if he means to apprise us that the article is his own Bruin. ... A Bed Ofwhere?
A SCOTCH country minister had been invited, with his wife, to dine and spend the night at the house of one of his lairds. Their host was very proud of one of the very large beds which had just come into fashion, and in the morning asked the lady how... A Bishop And Churchwarden
BISHOP WARBURTON, going to Cirencester to confirm, he was supplied at the altar with an elbow-chair and a cushion, which he did not much like, and calling to the churchwarden said, I suppose, sir, your fattest butcher has sat in this chair, and your... A Bit Of Moonshine
BROUGHAM, speaking of the salary attached to a new judgeship, said it was all moonshine. Lyndhurst, in his dry and waggish way, remarked, May be so, my Lord Harry; but I have a strong notion that, moonshine though it be, you would like to see the fi... A Black Joke
A GENTLEMAN at Limehouse observed the laborers at work in a tier of colliers, and wanting to learn the price of coals, hailed one of the men with, Well, Paddy, how are coals?--Black as ever, was the reply. ... A Book Case
THERE is a celebrated reply of Mr. Curran to a remark of Lord Clare, who curtly exclaimed at one of his legal positions, O! if that be law, Mr. Curran, I may burn my law-books!--Better read them, my lord, was the sarcastic and appropriate rejoinder.... A Bright Rejoinder
AN Englishman paying an Irish shoeblack with rudeness, the dirty urchin said, My honey, all the polish you have is upon your boots and I gave you that. ... A Broad Hint
CHARLES II. playing at tennis with a dean, who struck the ball well, the king said, That's a good stroke for a dean.--I'll give it the stroke of a bishop if your Majesty pleases, was the suggestive rejoinder. ... A Broad Hint
AN eminent barrister having a case sent to him for an opinion--the case being outrageously preposterous--replied, in answer to the question, Would an action lie?--Yes, if the witnesses would lie too, but not otherwise. ... A Broad-brim Hint
A QUAKER said to a gunner, Friend, I counsel no bloodshed; but if it be thy design to hit the little man in the blue jacket, point thine engine three inches lower. ... A Broad-sheet Hint
IN the parlor of a public-house in Fleet Street, there used to be written over the chimney-piece the following notice: Gentlemen learning to spell are requested to use yesterday's paper. ... A Broken Head
I AM the only man in Europe, sir, said the Colonel, that ever had a broken head,--to live after it. I was hunting near my place in Yorkshire; my horse threw me, and I was pitched, head-foremost, upon a scythe which had been left upon the ground. Whe... A Budget Of Blunders
PERHAPS the best concentrated specimen of blunders, such as occur in all nations, but which, of course, are fathered upon Paddy wholesale, as if by common consent, is the following:-- Copy of a Letter, written during the Rebellion by Sir ----, an ... A Cabal
THE attempt to run over the King of the French with a cab, looked like a conspiracy to overturn monarchy by a common-wheel. ... A Calculation
AFTER the death of the poet Chatterton, there was found among his papers, indorsed on a letter intended for publication, addressed to Beckford, then Lord Mayor, dated May 26, 1770, the following memorandum: Accepted by Bingley, set for, and thrown o... A Candid Counsel
AN Irish counsel being asked by the judge for whom was he concerned, replied, I am concerned for the plaintiff, but I'm retained by the defendant. ... A Capital Joke
LORD BRAXFIELD (a Scotch judge) once said to an eloquent culprit at the bar, You're a vera clever chiel, mon, but I'm thinking ye wad be nane the waur o' a hanging. ... A Capital Letter
DR. LLOYD, Bishop of Worcester, so eminent for his prophecies, when by his solicitations and compliance at court he got removed from a poor Welsh bishopric to a rich English one, a reverend dean of the Church said, that he found his brother Lloyd sp...