A Dilemma
WHILST a country parson was preaching, the chief of his parishioners
sitting near the pulpit was fast asleep: whereupon he said, Now,
beloved friends, I am in a great strait; for if I speak too softly,
those at the farther end of the church cannot hear me; and if I talk too
loud, I shall wake the chief man in the parish.
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A Convenient Theory
AT charity meetings, one Mould always volunteered to go round with the hat, but was suspected of sparing his own pocket. Overhearing one day a hint to that effect, he made the following speech: Other gentlemen puts down what they thinks proper, and ... A Conversational Epigram
SAID Bluster to Whimple, You juvenile fool, Get out of my way, do you hear? Said Whimple, A fool did you say? by that rule I'm much in your way as I fear. ... A Convert
A NOTORIOUS miser having heard a very eloquent charity sermon, exclaimed, This sermon strongly proves the necessity of alms. I have almost a mind to turn beggar. ... A Cool Hand
AN old deaf beggar, whom Collins the painter was once engaged in sketching at Hendon, exhibited great self-possession. Finding, from certain indications, that the body and garments of this English Edie Ochiltree afforded a sort of pasture-ground to ... A Cool Proposition
AT the breaking up of a fashionable party at the west end of town, one of the company said he was about to drop in at Lady Blessington's; whereupon a young gentleman, a perfect stranger to the speaker, very modestly said, O then, you can take me wit... A Cruel Case
POPE the actor, well known for his devotion to the culinary art, received an invitation to dinner, accompanied by an apology for the simplicity of the intended fare--a small turbot and a boiled edgebone of beef. The very thing of all others that I l... A Dangerous Generalization
A TUTOR bidding one of his pupils, whose name was Charles Howl, to make some English verses, and seeing he put teeth to rhyme with feet, told him he was wrong there, as that was no proper rhyme. Charles answered, You have often told me that H was no... A Deadly Weapon
WELL, sir, asked a noisy disputant, don't you think that I have mauled my antagonist to some purpose?--O yes, replied a listener, you have,--and if ever I should happen to fight with the Philistines, I'll borrow your jaw-bone! ... A Dear Bargain
QUIN was one day lamenting that he grew old, when a shallow impertinent young fellow said to him, What would you give to be as young as I am?--By the powers, replied Quin, I would even submit to be almost as foolish! ... A Dear Speaker
SOON after the Irish members were admitted into the House of Commons, on the union of the kingdom in 1801, one of them, in the middle of his maiden speech, thus addressed the chair: And now, my dear Mr. Speaker, etc. This excited loud laughter. As s... A Deserved Retort
A SPENDTHRIFT, who had nearly wasted all his patrimony, seeing an acquaintance in a coat not of the newest cut, told him that he thought it had been his great-grandfather's coat. So it was, said the gentleman, and I have also my great-grandfather's ... A Dialogue
Pope. SINCE my old friend is grown so great, As to be minister of state, I'm told (but 'tis not true I hope) That Craggs will be ashamed of Pope. Craggs. ALAS! if I am such a creature, To grow the worse for ... A Difference
JERROLD one day met a Scotch gentleman, whose name was Leitch, and who explained that he was not the popular caricaturist, John Leech. I'm aware of that; you're the Scotchman with the i-t-c-h in your name, said Jerrold. ... A Difficult Task
YOU have only yourself to please, said a married friend to an old bachelor. True, replied he, but you cannot tell what a difficult task I find it. ... A Dilemma
WHILST a country parson was preaching, the chief of his parishioners sitting near the pulpit was fast asleep: whereupon he said, Now, beloved friends, I am in a great strait; for if I speak too softly, those at the farther end of the church cannot h... A Disappointing Subscriber
TO all letters soliciting subscriptions, Lord Erskine had a regular form of reply, namely: Sir, I feel much honored by your application to me, and beg to subscribe (here the reader had to turn over leaf) Myself, your very obedient servant, etc. ... A Distant Friend
MEETING a negro on the road, a traveller said, You have lost some of your friends, I see?--Yes, massa.--Was it a near or a distant relative?--Well, purty distant,--'bout twenty-four mile, was the reply. ... A Distant Prospect
THROUGH an avenue of trees, at the back of Trinity College, a church may be seen at a considerable distance, the approach to which affords no very pleasing scenery. Porson, walking that way with a friend, and observing the church, remarked, That it ... A Distressful Denouement
MR. MOORE having been long under a prosecution in Doctors' Commons, his proctor called on him one day whilst he was composing the tragedy of The Gamester. The proctor having sat down, he read him four acts of the piece, being all he had written; by ... A Dogged Answer
BOSWELL, dining one day with Dr. Johnson, asked him if he did not think that a good cook was more essential to the community than a good poet. I don't suppose, said the doctor, that there's a dog in the town but what thinks so. ... A Double Knock
ON Dr. K----'s promotion to the bishopric of Down, an appointment in some quarters unpopular, Archbishop Whately observed, The Irish government will not be able to stand many more such Knocks Down as this! ... A Double Times
A HUGE, double-sheeted copy of the Times newspaper was put into the hands of a member of the Union Club by one of the waiters. Oh, what a bore all this is, said the member, surveying the gigantic journal. Ah, answered another member, who overheard h... A Doubtful Compliment
THE speeches made by P---- are sound, It cannot be denied; Granted; and then it will be found, They're little else beside. ... A Doubtful Creed
JUDGE MAULE, in summing up a case of libel, and speaking of a defendant who had exhibited a spiteful piety, observed, One of these defendants, Mr. Blank, is, it seems, a minister of religion--of what religion does not appear, but, to judge by his co... A Dreadful Suspicion
A GENTLEMAN leaving the company, somebody who sat next to Dr. Johnson asked who he was. I cannot exactly tell you sir, replied the doctor, and I should be loath to speak ill of any person whom I do not know deserves it, but I am afraid he is an atto... A Drop
DEAN SWIFT was one day in company, when the conversation fell upon the antiquity of the family. The lady of the house expatiated a little too freely on her descent, observing that her ancestors' names began with De, and, of course, of antique French... A Dry Fellow
WELL, Will, said an Earl one day to Will Speir, seeing the latter finishing his dinner, have you had a good dinner to-day? (Will had been grumbling some time before.) Ou, vera gude, answered Will; but gin anybody asks if I got a dram after 't, what ... A Dull Man
LORD BYRON knew a dull man who lived on a bon mot of Moore's for a week; and his lordship once offered a wager of a considerable sum that the reciter was guiltless of understanding its point; but he could get no one to accept the bet. ...