A Good Jail Delivery
BROTHER DAVID DEWAR was a plain, honest, straightforward man, who never
hesitated to express his convictions, however unpalatable they might be
to others. Being elected a member of the Prison Board, he was called
upon to give his vote in the choice of a chaplain from the licentiates
of the Established Kirk. The party who had gained the confidence of the
Board had proved rather an indifferent preacher in a charge to which he
had previously been appointed; and on David being asked to signify his
assent to the choice of the Board, he said, Weel, I've no objections to
the man, for I understand he preached a kirk toom (empty) already, and
if he be as successful in the jail, he'll maybe preach it vawcant as
weel.
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A Flash Of Wit
SYDNEY SMITH, after Macaulay's return from the East, remarked to a friend who had been speaking of the distinguished conversationalist: Yes, he is certainly more agreeable since his return from India. His enemies might perhaps have said before (thou... A Fool And His Money
A YOUNG spendthrift being apprised that he had given a shilling when sixpence would have been enough, remarked that He knew no difference between a shilling and sixpence.--But you will, young gentleman, an old economist replied, when you come to be ... A Fool Confirmed
DR. PARR, who was neither very choice nor delicate in his epithets, once called a clergyman a fool, and there was probably some truth in his application of the word. The clergyman, however, being of a different opinion, declared he would complain to... A Forcible Argument
THAT erudite Cantab, Bishop Burnett, preaching before Charles II., being much warmed with his subject, uttered some religious truth with great vehemence, and at the same time, striking his fist on the desk with great violence, cried out, Who dare de... A Foreign Accent
WHEN Maurice Margarot was tried at Edinburgh for sedition, the Lord Justice asked him, Hae you ony counsel, mon?--No.--Do you want to hae ony appointed?--I only want an interpreter to make me understand what your lordships say. CXXXIII-... A Forgetful Man
WHEN Jack was poor, the lad was frank and free. Of late he's grown brimful of pride and pelf; No wonder that he don't remember me; Why so? you see he has forgot himself. ... A Fortunate Expedient
A GENTLEMAN of Trinity College, travelling through France, was annoyed at the slowness of the pace, and wishing to urge the postilion to greater speed, tried his bad French until he was out of patience. At last it occurred to him that, if he was not... A Fowl Joke
A CITY policeman before Judge Maule said he was in the hens (N) division. Do you mean in the Poultry? asked the Judge. ... A Free Translation
MANNERS, who had himself but lately been made Earl of Rutland, told Sir Thomas More he was too much elated with his preferment; that he verified the old proverb, 'Honores mutant mores.'--No, my lord, said Sir Thomas, the pun will do much better in E... A Full House
WHAT plan, said an actor to another, shall I adopt to fill the house at my benefit?--Invite your creditors, was the surly reply. ... A Full Stop
A GENTLEMAN was speaking of the kindness of his friends in visiting him. One old aunt, in particular, visited him twice a year, and stayed six months each time. ... A Genuine Irish Bull
SIR BOYLE ROCHE said, Single misfortunes never come alone, and the greatest of all possible misfortunes is generally followed by a much greater. ... A Good Appetite
A NOBLEMAN had a house-porter who was an enormous eater. Frank, said he, one day, tell me how many loins you could eat? Ah, my lord, as for loins, not many; five or six at most.--And how many legs of mutton?--Ah, as for legs of mutton, not many; sev... A Good Character
AN Irish gentleman parting with a lazy servant-woman, was asked, with respect to her industry, whether she was what is termed afraid of work. O, not at all, said he; not at all; she'll frequently lie down and fall asleep by the very side of it. ... A Good Critic
A FRIEND of an artist was endeavoring to persuade him not to bestow so much time upon his works. You do not know, then, said he, that I have a master very difficult to please?--Who?--Myself. ... A Good Example
IN the House of Commons, the grand characteristic of the office of the Speaker is silence; and he fills the place best who best holds his tongue. There are other speakers in the House (not official) who would show their sagacity by following the exa... A Good Excuse
AN attorney on being called to account for having acted unprofessionally in taking less than the usual fees from his client, pleaded that he had taken all the man had. He was thereupon honorably acquitted. ... A Good Investment
AN English journal lately contained the following announcement: To be sold, one hundred and thirty lawsuits, the property of an attorney retiring from business. N.B. The clients are rich and obstinate. ... A Good Jail Delivery
BROTHER DAVID DEWAR was a plain, honest, straightforward man, who never hesitated to express his convictions, however unpalatable they might be to others. Being elected a member of the Prison Board, he was called upon to give his vote in the choice ... A Good Joke
A FIRE-EATING Irishman challenged a barrister, who gratified him by an acceptance. The duellist, being very lame, requested that he might have a prop. Suppose, said he, I lean against this milestone?--With pleasure, replied the lawyer, on condition ... A Good Judge
HONESTY is the best policy, said a Scotchman. I know it, my friend, for I have tried baith. ... A Good Likeness
A PERSON who had often teased another ineffectually for subscriptions to charitable undertakings, was one day telling him that he had just seen his picture. And did you ask it for a subscription? said the non-giver. No, I saw no chance, replied the ... A Good Mixture
AN eminent painter was once asked what he mixed his colors with in order to produce so extraordinary an effect. I mix them with brains, sir! was his answer. ... A Good Neighbor
THE Duke of L.'s reply, when it was observed to him, that the gentlemen bordering on his estates were continually hunting upon them, and that he ought not to suffer it, is worthy of imitation: I had much rather, said he, have friends than hares. ... A Good One
LAMB and Coleridge were talking together on the incidents of Coleridge's early life, when he was beginning his career in the church, and Coleridge was describing some of the facts in his usual tone, when he paused, and said, Pray, Mr. Lamb, did you ... A Good Parson
DR. HICKRINGAL, who was one of King Charles the Second's chaplains, whenever he preached before his Majesty, was sure to tell him of his faults from the pulpit. One day his Majesty met the doctor in the Mall, and said to him, Doctor, what have I don... A Good Place
A NOBLEMAN taking leave when going as ambassador, the king said to him, The principal instruction you require is, to observe a line of conduct exactly the reverse to that of your predecessor.--Sire, replied he, I will endeavor so to act that you sha... A Good Reason
A RICH peer resolved to make his will; and having remembered all his domestics except his steward, the omission was respectfully pointed out to him by the lawyer. I shall leave him nothing, said the nobleman, because he has served me these twenty ye... A Good Reason
A CERTAIN minister going to visit one of his sick parishioners, asked him how he had rested during the night. Oh, wondrous ill, sir, replied he, for mine eyes have not come together these three nights.--What is the reason of that? said the other. Al... A Good Reason
THAT'S a pretty bird, grandma, said a little boy. Yes, replied the old dame, and he never cries.--That's because he's never washed, rejoined the youngster. ... A Good Reason
A GENTLEMAN, talking with his gardener, expressed his admiration at the rapid growth of the trees. Why, yes, sir, says the man; please to consider that they have nothing else to do. ... A Good Reason For A Bad Cause
AN eminent counsellor asked another why he so often undertook bad causes. Sir, answered the lawyer, I have lost so many good ones, that I am quite at a loss which to take. ... A Good Recommendation
WHEN Captain Grose, who was very fat, first went over to Ireland, he one evening strolled into the principal meat market of Dublin, where the butchers, as usual, set up their usual cry of What d'ye buy? What d'ye buy? Grose parried this for some tim... A Good Servant
I CAN'T conceive, said one nobleman to another, how it is that you manage. Though your estate is less than mine, I could not afford to live at the rate you do.--My lord, said the other, I have a place.--A place? you amaze me, I never heard of it til... A Good Swimmer
A FOOLISH scholar having almost been drowned in his first attempt at swimming, vowed that he would never enter the water again until he was a complete master of the art. [A similar story is told of a pedant by Hierocles.] ... A Good Translation
PISTOR erat quondam, laborando qui fregit collum: Qui fregit collum, collum fregitque suum. Thus translated-- There was a baker heretofore, with labor and great pain: Did break his neck, and break his neck, and break his neck ag...