A Hopeless Invasion
ADMIRAL BRIDPORT, speaking of the threatened invasion by the French in
1798, dryly observed, They might come as they could; for his own part,
he could only say that they should not come by water.
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A Gretna Customer
A RUNAWAY couple were married at Gretna Green. The smith demanded five guineas for his services. How is this? said the bridegroom, the gentleman you last married assured me that he only gave you a guinea.--True, said the smith, but he was an Irishma... A Grim Joke
DANIEL DEFOE said there was only this difference between the fates of Charles the First and his son James the Second,--that the former's was a wet martyrdom, and the other's a dry one. ... A Growl
HE that's married once may be Pardoned his infirmity. He that marries twice is mad: But, if you can find a fool Marrying thrice, don't spare the lad,-- Flog him, flog him back to school. ... A Grunt
DOCTOR, when we have sat together some time, you'll find my brother very entertaining.--Sir, said Johnson, I can wait. ... A Guide To Government Situations
DR. HENNIKER, being engaged in private conversation with the great Earl of Chatham, his lordship asked him how he defined wit. My lord, said the doctor, wit is like what a pension would be, given by your lordship to your humble servant, a good thing... A Handsome Contribution
A GENTLEMAN waited upon Jerrold one morning to enlist his sympathies in behalf of a mutual friend, who was constantly in want of a round sum of money. Well, said Jerrold, who had contributed on former occasions, how much does ---- want this time?... A Happy Man
LORD M---- had a very exalted opinion of his own cleverness, and once made the following pointed remark: When I happen to say a foolish thing, I always burst out a laughing!--I envy you your happiness, my lord, then, said Charles Townshend, for you ... A Happy Suggestion
WHEN Jenny Lind, the Swedish Nightingale, gave a concert to the Consumption Hospital, the proceeds of which concert amounted to 1,776l. 15s., and were to be devoted to the completion of the building, Jerrold suggested that the new part of the hospit... A Hard Hit
MAJOR B----, a great gambler, said to Foote, Since I last saw you, I have lost an eye.--I am sorry for it, said Foote, pray at what game? ... A Heavy Weight
MR. DOUGLAS, son of the Bishop of Salisbury, was six feet two inches in height, and of enormous bulk. The little boys of Oxford always gathered about him when he went into the streets, to look up at his towering bulk. Get out of my way, you little s... A Hiatus
DID you not on going down find a party in your kitchen? asked an underbred barrister of a witness. A tea-party, Mr. ----? mildly interposed Judge Maule. ... A Hint For Genealogists
MR. MOORE, who derived his pedigree from Noah, explained it in this manner: Noah had three sons, Shem, Ham, and one more. ... A Home Argument
BY one decisive argument Tom gained his lovely Kate's consent, To fix the bridal day. Why in such haste, dear Tom, to wed? I shall not change my mind, she said. But then, says he, I may. ... A Hopeless Invasion
ADMIRAL BRIDPORT, speaking of the threatened invasion by the French in 1798, dryly observed, They might come as they could; for his own part, he could only say that they should not come by water. ... A Horse Laugh
A COACHMAN, extolling the sagacity of one of his horses, observed, that if anybody was to go for to use him ill, he would bear malice like a Christian. ... A Humorist Piqued
THEODORE HOOK was relating to his friend, Charles Mathews, how, on one occasion, when supping in the company of Peake, the latter surreptitiously removed from his plate several slices of tongue; and, affecting to be very much annoyed by such practic... A Jew's Eye To Business
A JEW, who was condemned to be hanged, was brought to the gallows, and was just on the point of being turned off, when a reprieve arrived. When informed of this, it was expected he would instantly have quitted the cart, but he stayed to see a fellow... A Joint Concern
A STUPID fellow employed in blowing a cathedral organ, said after the performance of a fine anthem, I think we performed very well to-day.--We performed! answered the organist; I think it was I performed, or I am much mistaken. Shortly after another... A Joke From The North
THE reigning bore at one time in Edinburgh was Professor L----; his favorite subject the North Pole. One day the arch tormentor met Jeffrey in a narrow lane, and began instantly on the North Pole. Jeffrey, in despair, and out of all patience, darted... A Judge In A Fog
ONE of the judges of the King's Bench, in an argument on the construction of a will, sagely declared, It appeared to him that the testator meant to keep a life-interest in the estate to himself.--Very true, my lord, said Curran gravely; but in this ... A Jury Case
CURRAN, speaking of his loss of business in the Court of Chancery caused by Lord Clare's hostility to him, and of the consequent necessity of resuming nisi prius business, said: I had been under full sail to fortune; but the tempest came, and nearly... A Just Debtor
ON one occasion Lord Alvanley had promised a person 100l. as a bribe, to conceal something which would have involved the reputation of a lady. On that person's application for the money, his lordship wrote a check for 25l. and presented it to him. B... A Kind Hint
LORD GREY complains that he cannot succeed in pleasing any party. He should follow the example of duellists, and by going out he would certainly give satisfaction. ... A Knotty Point
THE Bristol magistrates were at the time of the great riots scattered through the town. They argued that under the circumstances it was impossible they could have been collected. ... A Last Resource
VILLIERS, Duke of Buckingham, was making his complaint to Sir John Cutler, a rich miser, of the disorder of his affairs, and asked him what he should do to avoid the ruin. Live as I do, my lord, said Sir John. That I can do, answered the duke, when ... A Late Discoverer
A VERY dull man, after dinner, had been boring the company with a long discourse, in the course of which he had given utterance to ethical views as old as the hills, as though he had just discovered them. When he had done repeating his truisms, Char...