A Long Residence
THE following complacent Scottish remark upon Bannockburn was made to a
splenetic Englishman, who had said to a Scottish countryman that no man
of taste would think of remaining any time in such a country as
Scotland. To which the canny Scot replied, Tastes differ; I'se tak' ye
to a place no far frae Stirling, whaur thretty thousand o' yer
countrymen ha' been for five hunder years, an' they've nae thocht o'
leavin' yet.
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A Just Debtor
ON one occasion Lord Alvanley had promised a person 100l. as a bribe, to conceal something which would have involved the reputation of a lady. On that person's application for the money, his lordship wrote a check for 25l. and presented it to him. B... A Kind Hint
LORD GREY complains that he cannot succeed in pleasing any party. He should follow the example of duellists, and by going out he would certainly give satisfaction. ... A Knotty Point
THE Bristol magistrates were at the time of the great riots scattered through the town. They argued that under the circumstances it was impossible they could have been collected. ... A Last Resource
VILLIERS, Duke of Buckingham, was making his complaint to Sir John Cutler, a rich miser, of the disorder of his affairs, and asked him what he should do to avoid the ruin. Live as I do, my lord, said Sir John. That I can do, answered the duke, when ... A Late Discoverer
A VERY dull man, after dinner, had been boring the company with a long discourse, in the course of which he had given utterance to ethical views as old as the hills, as though he had just discovered them. When he had done repeating his truisms, Char... A Late Edition
IT was with as much delicacy as satire that Porson returned, with the manuscript of a friend, the answer, That it would be read when Homer and Virgil were forgotten, but not till then. ... A Lawyer's Opinion Of Law
COUNSELLOR M----T, after he retired from practice, being one day in company where the uncertainty of the law became the topic of conversation, was applied to for his opinion, upon which he laconically observed, If any man were to claim the coat upon... A Letter Wanting
SAID vain Andrew Scalp, My initials, I guess, Are known, so I sign all my poems, A.S. Said Jerrold, I own you're a reticent youth, For that's telling only two thirds of the truth. ... A Light Joke
AN eminent tallow-chandler was told that after his candles were burned down to the middle, not one of them would burn any longer. He was at first greatly enraged at what he deemed a gross falsehood; but the same evening he tried the experiment at ho... A Light Study
AS a worthy city baronet was gazing one evening at the gas lights in front of the Mansion-house, an old acquaintance came up to him and said, Well, Sir William, are you studying astronomy?--No, sir, replied the alderman, I am studying gas-tronomy. ... A Literal Joke
LORD ELDON always pronounced the word lien as though it were lyon; and Sir Arthur Pigot pronounced the same word lean. On this Jekyll wrote the following epigram:-- Sir Arthur, Sir Arthur, why, what do you mean, By saying the Chancellor's... A Literary Rendering
A SCOTCH lady gave her servant very particular instructions regarding visitors, explaining, that they were to be shown into the drawing-room, and no doubt used the Scotticism, Carry any ladies that call up stairs. On the arrival of the first visitor... A Little Rain
HOW monarchs die is easily explained, For thus upon their tombs it might be chiselled; As long as George the Fourth could reign, he reigned, And then he mizzled! ... A Long Bill
WHEN Foote was at Salt Hill, he dined at the Castle Inn, and when Partridge, the host, produced his bill, which was rather exorbitant, the comedian asked him his name. Partridge, sir, said he. Partridge! It should have been Woodcock, by the length o... A Long Illness
A CLERGYMAN in the country taking his text from the fourteenth verse of the third chapter of St. Matthew: And Peter's wife's mother lay sick of a fever, preached three Sundays on the same subject. Soon after, two country fellows going across a churc... A Long Residence
THE following complacent Scottish remark upon Bannockburn was made to a splenetic Englishman, who had said to a Scottish countryman that no man of taste would think of remaining any time in such a country as Scotland. To which the canny Scot replied... A Love Song By Dean Swift
A PUD IN is almi de si re, Mimis tres Ine ver require, Alo veri find it a gestis, His miseri ne ver at restis. ... A Lusus Naturae
AN agricultural society offered premiums to farmers' daughters, girls under twenty-one years of age, who should exhibit the best lots of butter, not less than 10 lbs. That is all right, said an old maid, save the insinuation that some girls are over... A Man And A Brother
HARRY WOODWARD, walking with a friend, met a most miserable object, who earnestly solicited their charity. On Woodward giving a few pence, his friend said, I believe that fellow is an impostor.--He is either the most distressed man, or the best acto... A Man Of Letters
WHEN Mr. Wilkes was in the meridian of his popularity, a man in a porter-house, classing himself as an eminent literary character, was asked by one of his companions what right he had to assume such a title. Sir, says he, I'd have you know, I had th... A Man Of Metal
EDWIN JAMES, examining a witness, asked him what his business was. He answered, A dealer in old iron.--Then, said the counsel, you must of course be a thief.--I don't see, replied the witness, why a dealer in iron must necessarily be a thief, more t... A Man Without A Rival
GENERAL LEE one day found Dr. Cutting, the army surgeon, who was a handsome and dressy man, arranging his cravat complacently before a glass. Cutting, said Lee, you must be the happiest man in creation.--Why, general?--Because, replied Lee, you are ... A Mark Of Respect
CONGREVE was disputing a point of fact with a man of a very positive disposition, but one who was not overburdened with sense. The latter said to him, If the fact is not as I have stated, I'll give you my head.--I accept it, said Congreve; for trifl... A Mechanical Surgeon
A VALIANT sailor, that had lost his leg formerly in the wars, was nevertheless, for his great prudence and courage, made captain of a ship; and being in the midst of an engagement, a cannon bullet took off his wooden supporter, so that he fell down.... A Medical Opinion
AN unfortunate man, who had never drank water enough to warrant the disease, was reduced to such a state by dropsy, that a consultation of physicians was held upon his case. They agreed that tapping was necessary, and the poor patient was invited to... A Merry Thought
THEY cannot be complete in aught Who are not humorously prone; A man without a merry thought Can hardly have a funny bone. ... A Michaelmas Meeting
SAMUEL TAYLOR COLERIDGE was so bad a horseman, that when mounted he generally attracted unfavorable notice. On a certain occasion he was riding along a turnpike road, in the county of Durham, when he was met by a wag, who, mistaking his man, thought... A Military Axiom
AN old soldier having been brought up to vote at an election at the expense of one of the candidates, voted for his opponent, and when reproached for his conduct, replied, Always quarter upon the enemy, my lads; always quarter upon the enemy. ... A Mistake
OLD Dick Baldwin stoutly maintained that no man ever died of drinking. Some puny things, he said, have died of learning to drink, but no man ever died of drinking. Mr. Baldwin was no mean authority; for he spoke from great practical experience, and ... A Model Philanthropist
BOBBY, what does your father do for a living?--He's a philanthropist, sir.--A what?--A phi-lan-thro-pist, sir,--he collects money for Central America, and builds houses out of the proceeds. ...