A Satisfactory Total
A SCOTCH Minister, after a hard day's labor, and while at a denner
tea, as he called it, kept incessantly praising the haam, and stating
that Mrs. Dunlop at hame was as fond o' haam like that as he was, when
the mistress kindly offered to send her the present of a ham. It's unco
kin' o' ye, unco kin', but I'll no pit ye to the trouble; I'll just tak'
it hame on the horse afore me. When, on leaving, he mounted, and the
ham was put into a sack, but some difficulty was experienced in getting
it to lie properly. His inventive genius soon cut the Gordian-knot. I
think, mistress, a cheese in the ither en' wad mak' a gran'
balance. The hint was immediately acted on, and, like another John
Gilpin, he moved away with his balance true.
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A Reasonable Request
AN officer advising his general to capture a post, said: It will only cost a few men.--Will you make one of the few? remarked the general. ... A Rebuke
A BRAGGART, whose face had been mauled in a pot-house brawl, asserted that he had received his scars in battle. Then, said an old soldier, be careful the next time you run away, and don't look back. ... A Reflection
AN overbearing barrister, endeavoring to brow-beat a witness, told him he could plainly see a rogue in his face. I never knew till now, said the witness, that my face was a looking-glass. ... A Remarkable Echo
A CERTAIN Chief Justice, on hearing an ass bray, interrupted the late Mr. Curran, in his speech to the jury, by saying, One at a time, Mr. Curran, if you please. The speech being finished, the judge began his charge, and during its progress the ass ... A Reverse
AN Irishman, who lived in an attic, being asked what part of the house he occupied, answered, If the house were turned topsy-turvy, I'd be livin' on the first flure. ... A Reverse Joke
A SOLDIER passing through a meadow, a large mastiff ran at him, and he stabbed the dog with a bayonet. The master of the dog asked him why he had not rather struck the dog with the butt-end of his weapon? So I should, said the soldier, if he had run... A Riskful Adventure
MR. REYNOLDS, the dramatist, once met a free and easy actor, who told him that he had passed three festive days at the seat of the Marquis and Marchioness of ----, without any invitation. He had gone there on the assumption that as my lord and lady ... A Rowland For An Oliver
MR. HAWKINS, Q.C., engaged in a cause before the late Lord Campbell, had frequently to mention the damage done to a carriage called a Brougham, and this word he pronounced, according to its orthography, Brough-am. If my learned friend will adopt t... A Royal Jest
A CAPTAIN, remarkable for his uncommon height, being one day at the rooms at Bath, the late Princess Amelia was struck with his appearance; and being told that he had been originally intended for the Church, Rather for the steeple, replied the royal... A Royal Muff
THE following anecdote was told with great glee at a dinner by William IV., then Duke of Clarence: I was riding in the Park the other day, on the road between Teddington and Hampton-wick, when I was overtaken by a ... A Rub At A Rascal
GEORGE COLMAN being once told that a man whose character was not very immaculate had grossly abused him, pointedly remarked, that the scandal and ill report of some persons that might be mentioned was like fuller's earth, it daubs your coat a little... A Rule Of Practice
IT was said of a Bath physician, that he could not prescribe even for himself without a fee, and therefore, when unwell, he took a guinea out of one pocket and put it into the other. ... A Runaway Knock
DOUGLAS JERROLD describing a very dangerous illness from which he had just recovered, said--Ay, sir, it was a runaway knock at Death's door, I can assure you. ... A Safe Appeal
A PHYSICIAN once defended himself from raillery by saying, I defy any person whom I ever attended, to accuse me of ignorance or neglect.--That you may do safely, replied an auditor, for you know, doctor, dead men tell no tales. ... A Sage Simile
MR. THACKERAY once designated a certain noisy tragedian Macready and onions. ... A Sanitary Air
THE air of France! nothing to the air of England. That goes ten times as ... A Satisfactory Explanation
ONE of the curiosities some time since shown at a public exhibition, professed to be a skull of Oliver Cromwell. A gentleman present observed that it could not be Cromwell's, as he had a very large head, and this was a small skull. O, I know all tha... A Satisfactory Reason
MR. ALEXANDER, the architect of several fine buildings in the county of Kent, was under cross-examination at Maidstone, by Serjeant (afterwards Baron) Garrow, who wished to detract from the weight of his testimony. You are a builder, I believe?--No,... A Satisfactory Total
A SCOTCH Minister, after a hard day's labor, and while at a denner tea, as he called it, kept incessantly praising the haam, and stating that Mrs. Dunlop at hame was as fond o' haam like that as he was, when the mistress kindly offered to send her t... A Saucy Answer
A BARRISTER attempting to browbeat a female witness, told her she had brass enough to make a saucepan. The woman retorted, and you have sauce enough to fill it. ... A Scotch Medium
AFTER giving Sandy certain directions about kirk matters, the minister sniffed once or twice, and remarked, Saunders, I fear you have been 'tasting' (taking a glass) this morning.--'Deed, sir, replied Sandy, with the coolest effrontery, set off with... A Seasonable Joke
THEODORE HOOK, being in company, where he said something humorous in rhyme to every person present, on Mr. Winter, the late Solicitor of Taxes, being announced, made the following impromptu:-- Here comes Mr. Winter, collector of taxes, I ... A Seasonable Joke
ADMIRAL DUNCAN'S address to the officers who came on board his ship for instructions previous to the engagement with Admiral de Winter, was both laconic and humorous: Gentlemen, you see a severe winter approaching; I have only to advise you to keep ... A Secret Discovered
'T IS clear why Twister, wretched rat, Always abuses in his chatter: He's truly such a thorough flat, We can't expect to see him flatter. ... A Settled Point
A REFORMED Parliament, exclaimed a Conservative the other day, will never do for this country.--No! but an unreformed would, and that quickly, replied a bystander. ... A Settler
A FARMER, in a stage-coach with Charles Lamb, kept boring him to death with questions in the jargon of agriculturists about crops. At length he put a poser--And pray, sir, how are turnips t'year?--Why that, sir, stammered out Lamb, will depend upon ... A Sharp Brush
SHERIDAN was down at Brighton one summer, when Fox, the manager, desirous of showing him some civility, took him all over the theatre, and, exhibited its beauties. There, Mr. Sheridan, said Fox, who combined twenty occupations, without being clever ... A Sheepish Compliment
LORD COCKBURN, the proprietor of Bonaly, was sitting on the hillside with a shepherd, and, observing the sheep reposing in the coldest situation, he remarked to him, John, if I were a sheep, I would lie on the other side of the hill. The shepherd an... A Short Creed
A SCEPTICAL man, conversing with Dr. Parr, observed that he would believe nothing that he did not understand. Dr. Parr, replied, Then young man, your creed will be the shortest of any man's I know. ... A Short Journey
AN old clergyman one Sunday, at the close of the sermon, gave notice to the congregation that in the course of the week he expected to go on a mission to the heathen. One of his parishioners, in great agitation, exclaimed, Why, my dear sir, you have... A Short Journey
ZOUNDS, fellow! exclaimed a choleric old gentleman to a very phlegmatic matter-of-fact person, I shall go out of my wits.--Well, you won't have far to go, said the phlegmatic man. ... A Shuffling Answer
A FAIR devotee lamented to her confessor her love of gaming. Ah! madam, replied the reverend gentleman, it is a grievous sin;--in the first place consider the loss of time.--That's just what I do, said she; I always begrudge the time that is lost in... A Significant Difference
AT an hotel at Brighton, Douglas Jerrold was dining with two friends, one of whom, after dinner, ordered a bottle of old port.--Waiter, added Jerrold, with a significant twinkle of his eye, mind now; a bottle of your old port, not your elder port. ... A Silk Gown
GRATTAN said of Hussey Burgh, who had been a great Liberal, but, on getting his silk gown, became a Ministerialist, that all men knew silk to be a non-conducting body, and that since the honorable member had been enveloped in silk, no spark of patri... A Simile
VANE'S speeches to an hour-glass, Do some resemblance show; Because the longer time they run, The shallower they grow! ... A Sinecure
ONE Patrick Maguire had been appointed to a situation the reverse of a place of all work; and his friends, who called to congratulate him, were very much astonished to see his face lengthened on the receipt of the news. A sinecure is it? exclaimed P...