A Useful Ally
Cracked China mended! Zounds, man, off this minute! There's work for
you, or else the deuce is in it!
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A Tavern Dinner
A PARTY of bon-vivants, having drunk an immense quantity of wine, rang for the bill. The bill was accordingly brought, but the amount appeared so enormous to one of the company (not quite so far gone as the rest) that he stammered out, it was imposs... A Tender Suggestion
A BEGGAR in Dublin had been long besieging an old, gouty, testy gentleman, who roughly refused to relieve him. The mendicant civilly replied, I wish your honor's heart was as tender as your toes. ... A Terrible Possibility
AN acquaintance remarked to Dr. Robert South, the celebrated preacher at the court of Charles the Second, Ah! doctor, you are such a wit! The doctor replied, Don't make game of people's infirmities: you, sir, might have been born a wit! ... A Ticklish Opening
HENRY ERSKINE happening to be retained for a client of the name of Tickle, began his speech in opening the case, thus: Tickle, my client, the defendant, my lord,--and upon proceeding so far was interrupted by laughter in court, which was increased w... A Timely Reproof
A YOUNG chaplain had preached a sermon of great length. Sir, said Lord Mulgrave, bowing to him, there were some things in your sermon of to-day I never heard before.--O, my lord! said the flattered chaplain, it is a common text, and I could not have... A Transformation Scene
SIR B---- R----, in one of the debates on the question of the Union, made a speech in favor of it, which he concluded by saying, That it would change the barren hills into fruitful valleys. ... A Transporting Subject
THE subject for the Chancellor's English Prize Poem, for the year 1823, was Australasia (New Holland). This happened to be the subject of conversation at a party of Johnians, when, some observing that they thought it a bad subject, one of the party ... A True Courtier
ONE day, when Sir Isaac Heard was in company with George III., it was announced that his majesty's horse was ready for hunting. Sir Isaac, said the king, are you a judge of horses?--In my younger days, please your majesty, I was a great deal among t... A True Joke
A MAN having been capitally convicted at the Old Bailey, was, as usual, asked what he had to say why judgment of death should not pass against him? Say! replied he, why, I think the joke has been carried far enough already, and the less that is said... A Trump Card
AT one of the Holland-house Sunday dinner-parties, a year or two ago, Crockford's Club, then forming, was talked of; and the noble hostess observed, that the female passion for diamonds was surely less ruinous than the rage for play among men. In sh... A Truth For The Ladies
A LEARNED doctor has given his opinion that tight lacing is a public benefit, inasmuch as it kills off all the foolish girls, and leaves the wise only to grow into women. ... A Typographical Transfer
THE editor of the Evangelical Observer, in reference to a certain person, took occasion to write that he was rectus in ecclesia, i.e., in good standing in the church. The compositor, in the editor's absence, converted it into rectus in culina, which... A Useful Ally
Cracked China mended! Zounds, man, off this minute! There's work for you, or else the deuce is in it! ... A Utilitarian Inquiry
JAMES SMITH one night took old Mr. Twiss to hear Mathews in his At Home, to the whole of which the mathematician gave devoted attention. At the close, Mr. Smith asked him whether he had not been surprised and pleased. Both, replied Mr. Twiss, but wh... A Vain Search
SIR FRANCIS BLAKE DELAVAL'S death had such an effect on Foote that he burst into tears, retired to his room, and saw no company for two days; the third day, Jewel, his treasurer, calling in upon him, he asked him, with swollen eyes, what time would ... A Vain Threat
MR. BROWN, I owe you a grudge, remember that!--I shall not be frightened then, for I never knew you to pay anything that you owe. ... A Valuable Beaver
A GRAND entertainment taking place at Belvoir Castle, on the occasion of the coming of age of the Marquis of Granby, the company were going out to see the fireworks, when Theodore Hook came in great tribulation to the Duke of Rutland, who was standi... A Voluminous Speaker
A WELL-KNOWN lawyer, Mr. Marryatt, who declared he had never opened any book after he left school but a law book, once told a jury, when speaking of a chimney on fire: Gentlemen, the chimney took fire; it poured forth volumes of smoke! Volumes, did ... A Walking Stick
AN old gentleman accused his servant of having stolen his stick. The man protested perfect innocence. Why, you know, rejoined his master, that the stick could never have walked off with itself.--Certainly not, sir, unless it was a walking-stick. ... A Warm Man
A MAN with a scolding wife, being asked what his occupation was, replied that he kept a hot-house. ... A Weak Woman
A LOVING husband once waited on a physician to request him to prescribe for his wife's eyes, which were very sore. Let her wash them, said the doctor, every morning with a small glass of brandy. A few weeks after, the doctor chanced to meet the husb... A Wide Difference
ROWLAND HILL rode a great deal, and exercise preserved him in vigorous health. On one occasion, when asked by a medical friend what physician and apothecary he employed, to be always so well, he replied, My physician has always been a horse, and my ... A Wide-awake Minister
LORD NORTH'S good humor and readiness were of admirable service to him when the invectives of his opponents would have discomforted a graver minister. He frequently indulged in a real or seeming slumber. On one occasion, an opposition debater, suppo... A Wife At Forty
MY notion of a wife at forty, said Jerrold, is, that a man should be able to change her, like a bank-note, for two twenties. ...