A Wise Fool
A PERSON wishing to test whether a daft individual, about whom a variety
of opinions were entertained,--some people thinking him not so foolish
as he seemed,--knew the value of money, held out a sixpence and a penny,
and offered him his choice. I'll tak' the wee ane, he says, giving
as his modest reason, I'se no' be greedy. At another time, a miller,
laughing at him for his witlessness, he said, Some things I ken, and
some I dinna ken. On being asked what he knew, he said, I ken a miller
has aye a gey fat sou.--An' what d'ye no ken? said the miller.
Ou, he returned, I dinna ken at wha's expense she's fed.
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A Typographical Transfer
THE editor of the Evangelical Observer, in reference to a certain person, took occasion to write that he was rectus in ecclesia, i.e., in good standing in the church. The compositor, in the editor's absence, converted it into rectus in culina, which... A Useful Ally
Cracked China mended! Zounds, man, off this minute! There's work for you, or else the deuce is in it! ... A Utilitarian Inquiry
JAMES SMITH one night took old Mr. Twiss to hear Mathews in his At Home, to the whole of which the mathematician gave devoted attention. At the close, Mr. Smith asked him whether he had not been surprised and pleased. Both, replied Mr. Twiss, but wh... A Vain Search
SIR FRANCIS BLAKE DELAVAL'S death had such an effect on Foote that he burst into tears, retired to his room, and saw no company for two days; the third day, Jewel, his treasurer, calling in upon him, he asked him, with swollen eyes, what time would ... A Vain Threat
MR. BROWN, I owe you a grudge, remember that!--I shall not be frightened then, for I never knew you to pay anything that you owe. ... A Valuable Beaver
A GRAND entertainment taking place at Belvoir Castle, on the occasion of the coming of age of the Marquis of Granby, the company were going out to see the fireworks, when Theodore Hook came in great tribulation to the Duke of Rutland, who was standi... A Voluminous Speaker
A WELL-KNOWN lawyer, Mr. Marryatt, who declared he had never opened any book after he left school but a law book, once told a jury, when speaking of a chimney on fire: Gentlemen, the chimney took fire; it poured forth volumes of smoke! Volumes, did ... A Walking Stick
AN old gentleman accused his servant of having stolen his stick. The man protested perfect innocence. Why, you know, rejoined his master, that the stick could never have walked off with itself.--Certainly not, sir, unless it was a walking-stick. ... A Warm Man
A MAN with a scolding wife, being asked what his occupation was, replied that he kept a hot-house. ... A Weak Woman
A LOVING husband once waited on a physician to request him to prescribe for his wife's eyes, which were very sore. Let her wash them, said the doctor, every morning with a small glass of brandy. A few weeks after, the doctor chanced to meet the husb... A Wide Difference
ROWLAND HILL rode a great deal, and exercise preserved him in vigorous health. On one occasion, when asked by a medical friend what physician and apothecary he employed, to be always so well, he replied, My physician has always been a horse, and my ... A Wide-awake Minister
LORD NORTH'S good humor and readiness were of admirable service to him when the invectives of his opponents would have discomforted a graver minister. He frequently indulged in a real or seeming slumber. On one occasion, an opposition debater, suppo... A Wife At Forty
MY notion of a wife at forty, said Jerrold, is, that a man should be able to change her, like a bank-note, for two twenties. ... A Will And Away
IT was a strange instance of alleged obedience to orders in the case of a father's will, which a brute of a fellow displayed in turning his younger brother out-of-doors. He was vociferously remonstrated with by the neighbors on the gross impropriety... A Windy Minister
IN one of our northern counties, a rural district had its harvest operations seriously affected by continuous rains. The crops being much laid, wind was desired in order to restore them to a condition fit for the sickle. A minister, in his Sabbath s... A Winner At Cards
A GENTLEMAN riding one day near Richmond, observed a house delightfully situated, and asking his companion to whom it belonged, was answered, To a card-maker.--Upon my life, he replied, one would imagine all that man's cards must have been trumps. ... A Wise Decision
A GENTLEMAN going to take water at Whitehall stairs, cried out, as he came near the place, Who can swim?--I, master, said forty bawling mouths; when the gentleman observing one slinking away, called after him; but the fellow turning about, said, Sir... A Wise Fool
A PERSON wishing to test whether a daft individual, about whom a variety of opinions were entertained,--some people thinking him not so foolish as he seemed,--knew the value of money, held out a sixpence and a penny, and offered him his choice. I'll... A Wise Son Who Knew His Own Father
SHERIDAN was very desirous that his son Tom should marry a young woman of large fortune, but knew that Miss Callander had won his son's heart. Sheridan, expatiating on the folly of his son, at length exclaimed, Tom, if you marry Caroline Callander, ... A Witty Proposition
SHERIDAN, being on a parliamentary committee, one day entered the room as all the members were seated and ready to commence business. Perceiving no empty seat, he bowed, and looking round the table with a droll expression of countenance, said: Will ... A Woman's Promises
ANGER may sometimes make dull men witty, but it keeps them poor. Queen Elizabeth seeing a disappointed courtier walking with a melancholy face in one of her gardens, asked him, What does a man think of when he thinks of nothing?--Of a woman's promis... A Wonderful Cure
DOCTOR HILL, a notorious wit, physician, and man of letters, having quarrelled with the members of the Royal Society, who had refused to admit him as an associate, resolved to avenge himself. At the time that Bishop Berkeley had issued his work on t... A Wonderful Sight
A JOLLY Jack-tar having strayed into Atkins's show at Bartholomew Fair, to have a look at the wild beasts, was much struck with the sight of a lion and a tiger in the same den. Why, Jack, said he to a messmate, who was chewing a quid in silent amaze... A Wonderful Woman
WHEN a late Duchess of Bedford was last at Buxton, and then in her eighty-fifth year, it was the medical farce of the day for the faculty to resolve every complaint of whim and caprice into a shock of the nervous system. Her grace, after inquiring o... A Wooden Joke
BURKE said of Lord Thurlow, He was a sturdy oak at Westminster, and a willow at St James's. ... A Woodman
A YOUNG man, boasting of his health and constitutional stamina, was asked to what he chiefly attributed so great a happiness. To laying in a good foundation, to be sure. I make a point, sir, to eat a great deal every morning.--Then I presume, sir, y... A Word In Season
MRS. POWELL the actress was at a court of assize when a young barrister, who rose to make his maiden speech, suddenly stopped short and could not proceed. The lady, feeling for his situation, cried out, as though he had been a young actor on his fir... A Word To The Wise
DR. BALGUY, a preacher of great celebrity, after having preached an excellent discourse at Winchester Cathedral, the text of which was, All wisdom is sorrow, received the following elegant compliment from Dr. Wharton, then at Winchester school:-- ... A Written Character
GEORGE III. having purchased a horse, the dealer put into his hands a large sheet of paper, completely written over. What's this? said his majesty. The pedigree of the horse, sire, which you have just bought, was the answer. Take it back, take it ba... A Yankee Yarn
MR. DICKENS tells an American story of a young lady, who, being intensely loved by five young men, was advised to jump overboard, and marry the man who jumped in after her. Accordingly, next morning, the five lovers being on deck, and looking very d... A Yokshire Bull
A YORKSHIRE clergyman, preaching for the Blind Asylum, began by gravely remarking: If all the world were blind, what a melancholy sight it would be! ... A-liquid
PORSON, once conversing with a party of congenial friends, seemed at a loss for something to cheer the inward man, and drawing his glass mechanically towards him, he took up one bottle, and then another, without finding wherewithal to replenish. A f... Above Proof
AN East-India Governor having died abroad, his body was put in arrack, to preserve it for interment, in England. A sailor on board the ship being frequently drunk, the captain forbade the purser, and indeed all in the ship, to let him have any liquo... Absurdly Logical
A MAD Quaker (wrote Sydney Smith) belongs to a small and rich sect; and is, therefore, of greater importance than any other mad person of the same degree in life. ...