Above Proof
AN East-India Governor having died abroad, his body was put in arrack,
to preserve it for interment, in England. A sailor on board the ship
being frequently drunk, the captain forbade the purser, and indeed all
in the ship, to let him have any liquor. Shortly after the fellow
appeared very drunk. How he obtained the liquor, no one could guess. The
captain resolved to find out, promising to forgive him if he would tell
from whom he got the liquor. After some hesitation, he hiccupped out,
Why, please your honor, I tapped the Governor.
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A Wise Decision
A GENTLEMAN going to take water at Whitehall stairs, cried out, as he came near the place, Who can swim?--I, master, said forty bawling mouths; when the gentleman observing one slinking away, called after him; but the fellow turning about, said, Sir... A Wise Fool
A PERSON wishing to test whether a daft individual, about whom a variety of opinions were entertained,--some people thinking him not so foolish as he seemed,--knew the value of money, held out a sixpence and a penny, and offered him his choice. I'll... A Wise Son Who Knew His Own Father
SHERIDAN was very desirous that his son Tom should marry a young woman of large fortune, but knew that Miss Callander had won his son's heart. Sheridan, expatiating on the folly of his son, at length exclaimed, Tom, if you marry Caroline Callander, ... A Witty Proposition
SHERIDAN, being on a parliamentary committee, one day entered the room as all the members were seated and ready to commence business. Perceiving no empty seat, he bowed, and looking round the table with a droll expression of countenance, said: Will ... A Woman's Promises
ANGER may sometimes make dull men witty, but it keeps them poor. Queen Elizabeth seeing a disappointed courtier walking with a melancholy face in one of her gardens, asked him, What does a man think of when he thinks of nothing?--Of a woman's promis... A Wonderful Cure
DOCTOR HILL, a notorious wit, physician, and man of letters, having quarrelled with the members of the Royal Society, who had refused to admit him as an associate, resolved to avenge himself. At the time that Bishop Berkeley had issued his work on t... A Wonderful Sight
A JOLLY Jack-tar having strayed into Atkins's show at Bartholomew Fair, to have a look at the wild beasts, was much struck with the sight of a lion and a tiger in the same den. Why, Jack, said he to a messmate, who was chewing a quid in silent amaze... A Wonderful Woman
WHEN a late Duchess of Bedford was last at Buxton, and then in her eighty-fifth year, it was the medical farce of the day for the faculty to resolve every complaint of whim and caprice into a shock of the nervous system. Her grace, after inquiring o... A Wooden Joke
BURKE said of Lord Thurlow, He was a sturdy oak at Westminster, and a willow at St James's. ... A Woodman
A YOUNG man, boasting of his health and constitutional stamina, was asked to what he chiefly attributed so great a happiness. To laying in a good foundation, to be sure. I make a point, sir, to eat a great deal every morning.--Then I presume, sir, y... A Word In Season
MRS. POWELL the actress was at a court of assize when a young barrister, who rose to make his maiden speech, suddenly stopped short and could not proceed. The lady, feeling for his situation, cried out, as though he had been a young actor on his fir... A Word To The Wise
DR. BALGUY, a preacher of great celebrity, after having preached an excellent discourse at Winchester Cathedral, the text of which was, All wisdom is sorrow, received the following elegant compliment from Dr. Wharton, then at Winchester school:-- ... A Written Character
GEORGE III. having purchased a horse, the dealer put into his hands a large sheet of paper, completely written over. What's this? said his majesty. The pedigree of the horse, sire, which you have just bought, was the answer. Take it back, take it ba... A Yankee Yarn
MR. DICKENS tells an American story of a young lady, who, being intensely loved by five young men, was advised to jump overboard, and marry the man who jumped in after her. Accordingly, next morning, the five lovers being on deck, and looking very d... A Yokshire Bull
A YORKSHIRE clergyman, preaching for the Blind Asylum, began by gravely remarking: If all the world were blind, what a melancholy sight it would be! ... A-liquid
PORSON, once conversing with a party of congenial friends, seemed at a loss for something to cheer the inward man, and drawing his glass mechanically towards him, he took up one bottle, and then another, without finding wherewithal to replenish. A f... Above Proof
AN East-India Governor having died abroad, his body was put in arrack, to preserve it for interment, in England. A sailor on board the ship being frequently drunk, the captain forbade the purser, and indeed all in the ship, to let him have any liquo... Absurdly Logical
A MAD Quaker (wrote Sydney Smith) belongs to a small and rich sect; and is, therefore, of greater importance than any other mad person of the same degree in life. ... Accommodating
A MAN in a passion spoke many scurrilous words; a friend being by, said, You speak foolishly. He answered, It is that you may understand me. ... Accommodating Principles
IN one of Sir Robert Walpole's letters, he gives a very instructive picture of a skilful minister and a condescending Parliament. My dear friend, writes Sir Robert, there is scarcely a member whose purse I do not know to a sixpence, and whose very s... Accurate Description
A CERTAIN lawyer received a severe injury from something in the shape of a horsewhip. Where were you hurt? said a medical friend. Was it near the vertebra?--No, no, said the other; it was near the racecourse. ... Acres And Wiseacres
A WEALTHY but weak-headed barrister once remarked to Curran that No one should be admitted to the Bar who had not an independent landed property.--May I ask, sir, replied Curran, how many acres make a wise-acre? ... Actor
A MEMBER of one of the dramatic funds was complaining of being obliged to retire from the stage with an income of only one hundred and fifty pounds a year, upon which an old officer, on half-pay, said to him: A comedian has no reason to complain, wh... Advertisement Extraordinary
(To those in want of employment.) Whoe'er will at the Gloucester's Head apply, Is always sure to find a vacancy. ... Advice Gratis
ON the trial of a cause in the Court of Common Pleas, Mr. Serjeant Vaughan having asked a witness a question rather of law than of fact, Lord Chief Justice Eldon observed, Brother Vaughan, this is not quite fair; you wish the witness to give you, fo... Advice To A Dramatist
YOUR comedy I've read, my friend, And like the half you've pilfered best; But, sure, the Drama you might mend; Take courage, man, and steal the rest! ... Advice To The Young
JERROLD said to an ardent young gentleman, who burned with a desire to see himself in print, Be advised by me, young man: don't take down the shutters before there is something in the window. ... Affectation
DELIA is twenty-two, and yet so weak, Poor thing, she's learning still to walk and speak. ... Agreeable And Not Complimentary
IN King William's time a Mr. Tredenham was taken before the Earl of Nottingham on suspicion of having treasonable papers in his possession. I am only a poet, said the captive, and those papers are my roughly-sketched play. The Earl examined the pape... Agricultural Experiences
THE late Bishop Blomfield, when a Suffolk clergyman, asked a school-boy what was meant in the Catechism by succoring his father and mother. Giving on 'em milk, was the prompt reply. ... Ai
A LEARNED barrister, quoting Latin verses to a brother wig, who did not appear to understand them, added, Don't you know the lines? They are in Martial.--Marshall. Oh, yes; Marshall, who wrote on underwriting.--Not so bad, replied the other. After a... Alere Flamman
MRS. B---- desired Dr. Johnson to give his opinion of a new work she had just written, adding, that if it would not do, she begged him to tell her, for she had other irons in the fire, and in case of its not being likely to succeed, she could bring ...