Agricultural Experiences
THE late Bishop Blomfield, when a Suffolk clergyman, asked a school-boy
what was meant in the Catechism by succoring his father and mother.
Giving on 'em milk, was the prompt reply.
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Absurdly Logical
A MAD Quaker (wrote Sydney Smith) belongs to a small and rich sect; and is, therefore, of greater importance than any other mad person of the same degree in life. ... Accommodating
A MAN in a passion spoke many scurrilous words; a friend being by, said, You speak foolishly. He answered, It is that you may understand me. ... Accommodating Principles
IN one of Sir Robert Walpole's letters, he gives a very instructive picture of a skilful minister and a condescending Parliament. My dear friend, writes Sir Robert, there is scarcely a member whose purse I do not know to a sixpence, and whose very s... Accurate Description
A CERTAIN lawyer received a severe injury from something in the shape of a horsewhip. Where were you hurt? said a medical friend. Was it near the vertebra?--No, no, said the other; it was near the racecourse. ... Acres And Wiseacres
A WEALTHY but weak-headed barrister once remarked to Curran that No one should be admitted to the Bar who had not an independent landed property.--May I ask, sir, replied Curran, how many acres make a wise-acre? ... Actor
A MEMBER of one of the dramatic funds was complaining of being obliged to retire from the stage with an income of only one hundred and fifty pounds a year, upon which an old officer, on half-pay, said to him: A comedian has no reason to complain, wh... Advertisement Extraordinary
(To those in want of employment.) Whoe'er will at the Gloucester's Head apply, Is always sure to find a vacancy. ... Advice Gratis
ON the trial of a cause in the Court of Common Pleas, Mr. Serjeant Vaughan having asked a witness a question rather of law than of fact, Lord Chief Justice Eldon observed, Brother Vaughan, this is not quite fair; you wish the witness to give you, fo... Advice To A Dramatist
YOUR comedy I've read, my friend, And like the half you've pilfered best; But, sure, the Drama you might mend; Take courage, man, and steal the rest! ... Advice To The Young
JERROLD said to an ardent young gentleman, who burned with a desire to see himself in print, Be advised by me, young man: don't take down the shutters before there is something in the window. ... Affectation
DELIA is twenty-two, and yet so weak, Poor thing, she's learning still to walk and speak. ... Agreeable And Not Complimentary
IN King William's time a Mr. Tredenham was taken before the Earl of Nottingham on suspicion of having treasonable papers in his possession. I am only a poet, said the captive, and those papers are my roughly-sketched play. The Earl examined the pape... Agricultural Experiences
THE late Bishop Blomfield, when a Suffolk clergyman, asked a school-boy what was meant in the Catechism by succoring his father and mother. Giving on 'em milk, was the prompt reply. ... Ai
A LEARNED barrister, quoting Latin verses to a brother wig, who did not appear to understand them, added, Don't you know the lines? They are in Martial.--Marshall. Oh, yes; Marshall, who wrote on underwriting.--Not so bad, replied the other. After a... Alere Flamman
MRS. B---- desired Dr. Johnson to give his opinion of a new work she had just written, adding, that if it would not do, she begged him to tell her, for she had other irons in the fire, and in case of its not being likely to succeed, she could bring ... All The Difference
IN a large party, one evening, the conversation turned upon young men's allowance at college. Tom Sheridan lamented the ill-judging parsimony of many parents in that respect. I am sure, Tom, said his father, you need not complain; I always allowed y... All The Difference
A GLASGOW professor met a poor student passing along one of the courts, and remarked to him that his gown was very short. It will be long enough before I get another, answered the student. The reply tickled the professor's fancy so much that he cont... All The Same
IN Edinburgh resided a gentleman, who is as huge, though not so witty, as Falstaff. It is his custom when he travels to book two places, and thus secure half the inside to himself. He once sent his servant to book him to Glasgow. The man returned wi... Allegorical Representation
A PAINTER, who was well acquainted with the dire effects of law, had to represent two men,--one who had gained a law-suit, and another who had lost one. He painted the former with a shirt on, and the latter naked. ... Almanac-makers
TWO women scolding each other, one said, Thou liest like a thief and a witch. The other replies, But thou liest like an almanac-maker; for thou liest every day and all the year long. ... Alone In His Glory
A FACETIOUS fellow having unwittingly offended a conceited puppy, the latter told him he was no gentleman.--Are you a gentleman? asked the droll one. Yes, sir, bounced the fop. Then, I am very glad I am not, replied the other. ... Always The Better
A CAMBRIDGE tutor said to his pupil, If you go over to Newmarket, beware of betting, for in nine cases out of ten it brings a man to ruin.--Sir, said the youth, I must really differ from you; so far from ever being the worse for it, I have invariabl... Amarillis
... American Penance
AS for me, as soon as I hear that the last farthing is paid to the last creditor, I will appear on my knees at the bar of the Pennsylvanian Senate in the plumeopicean robe of American controversy. Each Conscript Jonathan shall trickle over me a few ...