Balancing Accounts
THEOPHILUS CIBBER, who was very extravagant, one day asked his father
for a hundred pounds. Zounds, sir, said Colly, can't you live upon
your salary? When I was your age, I never spent a farthing of my
father's money.--But you have spent a great deal of my father's,
replied Theophilus. This retort had the desired effect.
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As Black As He Could Be Painted
A LITTLE boy one day came running home, and said, O father, I've just seen the blackest man that ever was!--How black was he, my son?--O, he was as black as black can be! why, father, charcoal would make a white mark on him! ... As You Like It
AN old sea captain used to say he didn't care how he dressed when abroad, because nobody knew him. And he didn't care how he dressed when at home, because everybody knew him. ... Aspiring Poverty
A ROMAN Catholic prelate requested Pugin, the architect, to furnish designs, etc., for a new church. It was to be very large, very handsome, and very cheap; the parties purposing to erect being very poor; in fact, having only L----.--Say thirty shil... Assurance And Insurance
STERNE, the author of the Sentimental Journey, who had the credit of treating his wife very ill, was one day talking to Garrick in a fine sentimental manner in praise of conjugal love and fidelity: The husband, said he, with amazing assurance, who b... At His Fingers' Ends
I SUPPOSE, said a quack, while feeling the pulse of his patient, that you think me a humbug?--Sir, replied the sick man, I perceive that you can discover a man's thoughts by your touch. ... Attending To A Wish
I WISH you would pay a little attention, sir! exclaimed a stage manager to a careless actor. Well, sir, so I am paying as little as I can! was the calm reply. ... Attired To Tire
SIR JOSEPH JEKYLL wrote the following impromptu, on observing a certain sergeant, well known for his prosiness, bustling into the Court of King's Bench, where he was engaged in a case:-- Behold the sergeant full of fire, Long shall his ... Auricular Confession
A CUNNING juryman addressed the clerk of the court when administering the oath, saying, Speak up; I cannot hear what you say.--Stop; are ... Awkward Orthography
MATHEWS once went to Wakefield, then, from commercial failures, in a dreadful state. In vain did he announce his inimitable Youthful Days; the Yorkshiremen came not. When he progressed to Edinburgh, a friend asked him if he made much money in Wakefi... Axiom)
THIS is a vulgar error, as I'll prove, Or freely forfeit half a pipe of sherry; 'Tis plain one sixteenth part of Brougham's sense, Equals the whole possessed by L--d--d--y. ... Aye! There's The Rub
A GENTLEMAN, playing at piquet, was much teased by a looker-on who was short-sighted, and, having a very long nose, greatly incommoded the player. To get rid of the annoyance, the player took out his handkerchief, and applied it to the nose of his o... Bacon
A MALEFACTOR, under sentence of death, pretending that he was related to him, on that account petitioned Lord Chancellor Bacon for a reprieve. To which petition his lordship answered, that he could not possibly be Bacon till he had first been hung. ... Bad Habit
SIR FREDERICK FLOOD had a droll habit, of which he could never effectually break himself. Whenever a person at his back whispered or suggested anything to him whilst he was speaking in public, without a moment's reflection, he always repeated the su... Bad Sport
MR. HARE, formerly the envoy to Poland, had apartments in the same house with Mr. Fox, and like his friend Charles, had frequent visits from bailiffs. One morning, as he was looking out of his window, he observed two of them at the door. Pray, gentl... Balancing Accounts
THEOPHILUS CIBBER, who was very extravagant, one day asked his father for a hundred pounds. Zounds, sir, said Colly, can't you live upon your salary? When I was your age, I never spent a farthing of my father's money.--But you have spent a great dea... Bark And Bite
LORD CLARE, who was much opposed to Curran, one day brought a Newfoundland dog upon the bench, and during Curran's speech turned himself aside and caressed the animal. Curran stopped. Go on, go on, Mr. Curran, said Lord Clare. O, I beg a thousand pa... Barry's Powers Of Pleasing
SPRANGER BARRY, to his silver-toned voice, added all the powers of persuasion. A carpenter, to whom he owed some money for work at the Dublin Theatre, called at Barry's house, and was very clamorous in demanding payment. Mr. Barry overhearing him, s... Bear And Van
THE facetious Mr. Bearcroft told his friend Mr. Vansittart, Your name is such a long one, I shall drop the sittart, and call you Van for the future.--With all my heart, said he: by the same rule, I shall drop croft, and call you Bear! ... Bearding A Barber
A HIGHLANDER, who sold brooms, went into a barber's shop in Glasgow to get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and, after having shaved him, asked the price of it. Tippence, said the Highlander. No, no, says the shaver; I'll give you a penn... Ben Jonson
WHEN the Archbishop of York sent him from his table an excellent dish of fish, but without drink, said:-- In a dish came fish From the arch-bis- Hop was not there, Because there was no beer. ... Benefit Of Competition
POPE, when he first saw Garrick act, observed, I am afraid that the young man will be spoiled, for he will have no competitor! ... Better Known Than Trusted
A WELL-KNOWN borrower stopped a gentleman whom he did not know, and requested the loan of a sovereign. Sir, said the gentleman, I am surprised that you should ask me such a favor, who do not know you.--O, dear sir, replied the borrower, that's the v... Betting
THE folly of betting is well satirized in one of Walpole's Letters: Sept. 1st, 1750,--They have put in the papers a good story made at White's. A man dropped down dead at the door, and was carried in; the club immediately made bets whether he was de... Bewick The Engraver
WHEN the Duke of Northumberland first called to see Mr. Bewick's workshops at Newcastle, he was not personally known to the engraver. On discovering the high rank of his visitor, Bewick exclaimed, I beg pardon, my lord, I did not know your grace, an... Bill Paid In Full
AT Wimpole there was to be seen a portrait of Mr. Harley, the speaker, in his robes of office. The active part he took to forward the bill to settle the crown on the house of Hanover induced him to have a scroll painted in his hand, bearing the titl... Billy Brown And The Counsellor
WHEN Mr. Sheridan pleaded in court his own cause, and that of the Drury Lane Theatre, an Irish laborer, known amongst the actors by the name of Billy Brown, was called upon to give his evidence. Previous to his going into court, the counsellor, shoc... Black And White
DURING the short time that Lord Byron was in Parliament, a petition, setting forth the wretched condition of the Irish peasantry, was one evening presented, and very coldly received by the hereditary legislative wisdom.--Ah, said Lord Byron, what a ... Black And White
THE Tories vow the Whigs are black as night, And boast that they are only blessed with light. Peel's politics to both sides so incline, He may be called the equinoctial line. ...