Certainly Not Asleep
A COUNTRY schoolmaster had two pupils, to one of whom he was partial,
and to the other severe. One morning it happened that these two boys
were late, and were called up to account for it. You must have heard
the bell, boys; why did you not come?--Please, sir, said the
favorite, I was dreaming that I was going to Margate, and I thought the
school-bell was the steamboat-bell.--Very well, said the master, glad
of any pretext to excuse his favorite. And now, sir, turning to the
other, what have you to say?--Please, sir, said the puzzled boy,
I--I--was waiting to see Tom off!
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Calculation
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WHEN the late Lord Campbell married Miss Scarlett, and departed on his wedding trip, Mr. Justice Abbott observed, when a cause was called on in the Bench, I thought, Mr. Brougham, that Mr. Campbell was in this case?--Yes, my lord, replied Brougham, ... Certainly Not Asleep
A COUNTRY schoolmaster had two pupils, to one of whom he was partial, and to the other severe. One morning it happened that these two boys were late, and were called up to account for it. You must have heard the bell, boys; why did you not come?--Pl... Challenging A Jury
AN Irish fire-eater, previous to a trial in which he was the defendant, was informed by his counsel, that if there were any of the jury to whom he objected, he might legally challenge them. Faith, and so I will, replied he; if they do not acquit me ... Change For A Guinea
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A WEALTHY merchant of Fenchurch Street, lamenting to a confidential friend that his daughter had eloped with one of his footmen, concluded, by saying, Yet I wish to forgive the girl, and receive her husband, as it is now too late to part them. But t... Changing His Line
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IT is objected, and we admit often with truth, that the wealthy are ready to bestow their money, but not to endure personal inconvenience. The following anecdote is told in illustration: A late nobleman was walking in St. James's Street, in a hard f... Charity Begins At Home
WELL, neighbor, what's the news this morning? said a gentleman to a friend. I have just bought a sack of flour for a poor woman.--Just like you! Whom have you made so happy by your charity this time?--My wife. ... Charles Duke Of Norfolk
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CHARLES II. and his brother James went to see Milton, to reproach him, and finished a profusion of insults with saying, You old villain! your blindness is the visitation of Providence for your sins.--If Providence, replied the venerable bard, has pu... Charles James Fox
AFTER Byron's engagement in the West Indies, there was a great clamor about the badness of the ammunition. Soon after this, Mr. Fox had a duel with Mr. Adam. On receiving that gentleman's ball, and finding that it had made but little impression, he ... Cheap At The Money
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ONE day James the Second, in the middle of his courtiers, made use of this assertion: I never knew a modest man make his way at court. To this observation one of the gentlemen present boldly replied: And, please your majesty, whose fault is that? Th... Cheese And Dessert
TWO city ladies meeting at a visit, one a grocer's wife, and the other a cheesemonger's, when they had risen up and took their departure, the cheesemonger's wife was going out of the room first, upon which the grocer's lady, pulling her back by the ...