Clerk Of Assize: What Have You To Say Why Judgment Should Not
be passed upon you according to law? Prisoner: Well, my Lord, my wife
took up with a hawker, and run away five years ago, and I've never seen
her since, and I married this other woman last winter. Mr. Justice
Maule: I will tell you what you ought to have done; and if you say you
did not know, I must tell you the law conclusively presumes that you
did. You ought to have instructed your attorney to bring an action
agains
have cost you about L100. When you had recovered substantial damages
against the hawker, you would have instructed your proctor to sue in the
Ecclesiastical Courts for a divorce a mensa atque thoro. That would
have cost you L200 or L300 more. When you had obtained a divorce a
mensa atque thoro, you would have had to appear by counsel before the
House of Lords for a divorce a vinculo matrimonii. The bill might have
been opposed in all its stages in both Houses of Parliament; and
altogether you would have had to spend about L1000 or L1200. You will
probably tell me that you never had a thousand farthings of your own in
the world; but, prisoner, that makes no difference. Sitting here as a
British judge, it is my duty to tell you that this is not a country in
which there is one law for the rich and another for the poor.
More
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Change For A Guinea
THE beautiful Lady Coventry was exhibiting to Selwyn a splendid new dress, covered with large silver spangles, the size of a shilling, and inquired of him whether he admired her taste. Why, he said, you will be change for a guinea. ... Changing Hats
BARRY the painter was with Nollekens at Rome in 1760, and they were extremely intimate. Barry took the liberty one night, when they were about to leave the English coffee-house, to exchange hats with him. Barry's was edged with lace, and Nollekens's... Changing His Coat
A WEALTHY merchant of Fenchurch Street, lamenting to a confidential friend that his daughter had eloped with one of his footmen, concluded, by saying, Yet I wish to forgive the girl, and receive her husband, as it is now too late to part them. But t... Changing His Line
A GENTLEMAN, inquiring of Jack Bannister respecting a man who had been hanged, was told that he was dead. And did he continue in the grocery line? said the former. Oh no, replied Jack; he was quite in a different line when he died. ... Characteristics
THE late Dr. Brand was remarkable for his spirit of contradiction. One extremely cold morning, in the month of January, he was addressed by a friend with,--It is a very cold morning, doctor.--I don't know that, was the doctor's observation, though h... Charitable Wit
WIT in an influential form was displayed by the Quaker gentleman soliciting subscription for a distressed widow, for whom everybody expressed the greatest sympathy. Well, said he, everybody declares he is sorry for her; I am truly sorry--I am sorry ... Charity And Inconvenience
IT is objected, and we admit often with truth, that the wealthy are ready to bestow their money, but not to endure personal inconvenience. The following anecdote is told in illustration: A late nobleman was walking in St. James's Street, in a hard f... Charity Begins At Home
WELL, neighbor, what's the news this morning? said a gentleman to a friend. I have just bought a sack of flour for a poor woman.--Just like you! Whom have you made so happy by your charity this time?--My wife. ... Charles Duke Of Norfolk
IN cleanliness, the Duke was negligent to so great a degree, that he rarely made use of water for purposes of bodily refreshment and comfort. Nor did he change his linen more frequently than he washed himself. Complaining, one day, to Dudley North, ... Charles Ii And Milton
CHARLES II. and his brother James went to see Milton, to reproach him, and finished a profusion of insults with saying, You old villain! your blindness is the visitation of Providence for your sins.--If Providence, replied the venerable bard, has pu... Charles James Fox
AFTER Byron's engagement in the West Indies, there was a great clamor about the badness of the ammunition. Soon after this, Mr. Fox had a duel with Mr. Adam. On receiving that gentleman's ball, and finding that it had made but little impression, he ... Cheap At The Money
A SHILLING subscription having been set on foot to bury an attorney who had died very poor, Lord Chief Justice Norbury exclaimed, Only a shilling to bury an attorney! Here's a guinea; go and bury one-and-twenty of them. ... Check To The King
ONE day James the Second, in the middle of his courtiers, made use of this assertion: I never knew a modest man make his way at court. To this observation one of the gentlemen present boldly replied: And, please your majesty, whose fault is that? Th... Cheese And Dessert
TWO city ladies meeting at a visit, one a grocer's wife, and the other a cheesemonger's, when they had risen up and took their departure, the cheesemonger's wife was going out of the room first, upon which the grocer's lady, pulling her back by the ... Chemical Oddity
WHILE an ignorant lecturer was describing the nature of gas, a blue-stocking lady inquired of a gentleman near her, what was the difference between oxygin and hydrogin? Very little, madam, said he; by oxygin we mean pure gin; and by hydrogin, gin an... Chin-surveying
A PERSON not far from Torrington, Devon, whose face is somewhat above the ordinary dimensions, has been waited on and shaved by a certain barber every day for twenty-one years, without coming to any regular settlement; the tradesman, thinking it tim... Choice Spirits
AN eminent spirit-merchant in Dublin announced, in one of the Irish papers, that he has still a small quantity of the whiskey on sale which was drunk by his late Majesty while in Dublin. ... City Glutton
THE celebrated John Wilkes attended a City dinner not long after his promotion to city honors. Among the guests was a noisy vulgar deputy, a great glutton, who, on his entering the dinner-room, always with great deliberation took off his wig, suspen... City Love
IN making love let poor men sigh, But love that's ready-made is better For men of business;--so I, If madam will be cruel, let her. But should she wish that I should wait And miss the 'Change,--oh no, I thank her, ... Classical Wit
DR. MAGINN dining with a friend on ham and chicken, addressed Sukey Boyle, his friend's housekeeper, thus: You know, Boyle, what old Ovid, in his 'Art of Love' (book iii.), says; I give you the same wish:-- 'Semper tibi pendeat hamus,' May ... Claw And Claw
LORD ERSKINE and Dr. Parr, who were both remarkably conceited, were in the habit of conversing together, and complimenting each other on their respective abilities. On one of these occasions, Parr promised that he would write Erskine's epitaph; to w... Clear The Court
AN Irish crier at Ballinasloe being ordered to clear the court, did so by this announcement: Now, then, all ye blackguards that isn't lawyers, must lave the coort. DLI--SCOTCH CAUTION. AN old shoemaker in Glasgow was sitting by the be... Clearing Emigrants
AN Irish gentleman, resident in Canada, was desirous to persuade his sons to work as backwoodsmen, instead of drinking champagne at something more than a dollar a bottle. Whenever this old gentleman saw his sons so engaged he used to exclaim, Ah, my... Clerical Wit
AN old gentleman of eighty-four having taken to the altar a young damsel of about sixteen, the clergyman said to him, The font is at the other end of the church.--What do I want with the font? said the old gentleman. Oh! I beg your pardon, said the ... Clerk Of Assize: What Have You To Say Why Judgment Should Not
be passed upon you according to law? Prisoner: Well, my Lord, my wife took up with a hawker, and run away five years ago, and I've never seen her since, and I married this other woman last winter. Mr. Justice Maule: I will tell you what you ought to h... Cold Comfort
A JURYMAN, kept several days at his own expense, sent a friend to the judge to complain that he had been paid nothing for his attendance. O, tell him, said the witty judge, that if ever he should have to go before a jury himself he will get one for ... Coleridge And Thelwall
THELWALL and Coleridge were sitting once in a beautiful recess in the Quantock Hills, when the latter said, Citizen John, this is a fine place to talk treason in!--Nay, Citizen Samuel, replied he; It is rather a place to make a man forget that there... Colonial Breweries
WHAT two ideas are more inseparable than Beer and Britannia? what event more awfully important to an English colony, than the erection of its first brewhouse?--S.S. ... Come Of Age
A YOUNG man met a rival who was somewhat advanced in years, and, wishing to annoy him, inquired how old he was? I can't exactly tell, replied the other; but I can inform you that an ass is older at twenty than a man at sixty! ... Come Said I
Give me a pen, it is but fair You take my note. Quoth he, Hold there; Jack! to the cash I've bid adieu;-- No need to waste my paper too. ... Common Politeness
TWO gentlemen having a difference, one went to the other's door and wrote Scoundrel! upon it. The other called upon his neighbor, and was answered by a servant that his master was not at home. No matter, was the reply; I only wished to return his vi... Comparative Virtue
A SHOPKEEPER at Doncaster had for his virtues obtained the name of the little rascal. A stranger asked him why this appellation had been given to him. To distinguish me from the rest of my trade, quoth he, who are all great rascals. ... Comparisons Are Odious
LORD CHANCELLOR HARDWICK'S bailiff, having been ordered by his lady to procure a sow of a particular description, came one day into the dining-room when full of company, proclaiming with a burst of joy he could not suppress, I have been at Royston f... Complimentary
LORD NORTH, who was very corpulent before a severe sickness, said to his physician after it, Sir, I am obliged to you for introducing me to some old acquaintances.--Who are they, my lord?--My ribs, replied his lordship, which I have not felt for man... Complimentary
A GENTLEMAN dining at an hotel, was annoyed by a stupid waiter continually coming hovering round the table, and desired him to retire. Excuse me, sir, said Napkin, drawing himself up, but I'm responsible for the silver. ... Computation
AN Irish counsellor having lost his cause, which had been tried before three judges, one of whom was esteemed a very able lawyer, and the other two but indifferent, some of the other barristers were very merry on the occasion. Well, now, says he, I ... Con-cider-ate
LORD BOTTETOT, in passing through Gloucester, soon after the cider tax, in which he was very unpopular, observing himself burning in effigy, he stopped his coach, and giving a purse of guineas to the mob, said, Pray, gentlemen, if you will burn me, ... Conceited But Not Seated
SEVERAL ex-members are announced as about to stand at the ensuing elections, and indeed it is probable many will have to do so after them, ... Concurrent Events
A YOUNG fellow, very confident in his abilities, lamented one day that he had lost all his Greek. I believe it happened at the same time, sir, said Dr. Johnson, that I lost all my large estate in Yorkshire. ... Conditional Agreement
DR. A----, when dangerously ill at an hotel, was applied to by the landlord to pass his bill. The doctor, observing that all the charges were very high, wrote at the bottom of the account, If I die, I pass this account; if I live, I'll examine it. ... Confidence
WHY, said a country clergyman to one of his flock, do you always sleep in your pew when I am in the pulpit, while you are all attention to every stranger I invite?--Because, sir, was the reply, when you preach I'm sure all's right, but I can't trust... Confidence
THE first time Jerrold saw a celebrated song-writer, the latter said to him:-- Youngster, have you sufficient confidence in me to lend me a guinea? Jerrold.--O yes; I've all the confidence, but I have n't the guinea. ... Confidencetaken From The French
ON the first night of the representation of one of Jerrold's pieces, a successful adaptator from the French rallied him on his nervousness. I, said the adaptator, never feel nervous on the first night of my pieces.--Ah, my boy, Jerrold replied, you ... Congratulation To One Who Curled His Hair
I'm very glad, to E--b--h said His brother exquisite, Macassar Draper, That 'tis the outer product of your head, And not the inner, you commit to paper! ... Conservative Logic
TAXES are equal is a dogma which I'll prove at once, exclaimed a Tory boor; Taxation hardly presses on the rich, And likewise presses hardly on the poor. ... Considerable Latitude
SIR RICHARD JEBB being called to see a patient who fancied himself very ill, told him ingenuously what he thought, and declined prescribing for him. Now you are here, said the patient, I shall be obliged to you, Sir Richard, if you will tell me how ... Consistency
NO wonder Tory landlords flout Fixed Duty, for 'tis plain With them the Anti-Corn-Law Bill Must go against the grain. ... Constancy
CURRAN, hearing that a stingy and slovenly barrister had started for the Continent with a shirt and a guinea, observed, He'll not change either till he comes back. ...