Epigram
A WATCH lost in a tavern! That's a crime;
Then see how men by drinking lose their time.
The watch kept time; and if time will away,
I see no reason why the watch should stay.
You say the key hung out, and you failed to lock it;
Time will not be kept pris'ner in a pocket.
Henceforth, if you will keep your watch, this do,
Pocket your watch, and watch your pocket, too.
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Epigram
(A good word for Ministers.) THE Whigs 'tis said have often broke Their promises which end in smoke; Thus their defence I build; Granted in office they have slept, Yet sure those promises are kept Which never are ful... Epigram
BY a friend of Sir Turncoat 'twas lately averr'd, The electors would find him as good as his word! As good as his word, did you say, gracious me! What a terrible scamp little Turncoat must be! ... Epigram
(On bank notes being made a legal tender.) THE privilege hard money to demand, It seems but fair the public should surrender; For I confess I ne'er could understand Why cash called hard, should be a legal tender. ... Epigram
YOU beat your pate, and fancy wit will come: Knock as you will, there's nobody at home. ... Epigram
(On interminable harangues.) YE fates that hold the vital shears, If ye be troubled with remorse, And will not cut ----'s thread of life, Cut then the thread of his discourse. ... Epigram
IF L--d--d--y has a grain of sense, He can be only half a lord 'tis clear; For from the fact we draw the inference, He's that which never has been made a peer. ... Epigram
(On the depth of Lord ---- arguments.) YES, in debate we must admit, His argument is quite profound; His reasoning's deep, for deuce a bit Can anybody see the ground. ... Epigram
(On the immortality of ----'s speeches.) THY speeches are immortal, O my friend, For he that hears them--hears them to no end. ... Epigram
(On Lord E--nb----h's pericranium.) LET none because of its abundant locks, Deceive themselves by thinking for a minute, That dandy E--nb----h's knowledge-box Has anything worth larceny within it. ... Epigram
LIFE is a lottery where we find That fortune plays full many a prank; And when poor ---- got his mind, 'Twas fortune made him draw a blank. ... Epigram
(On the alleged disinterestedness of a certain Prelate.) HE says he don't think of himself, And I'm to believe him inclined; For by the confession, the elf Admits that he's out of his mind. ... Epigram
(On Mr. Croker's reputation for being a wag.) THEY say his wit's refined! Thus is explained The seeming mystery--his wit is strained. ... Epigram
(On ----'s declaring his detestation of all meanness). IF really ---- do but loathe Things base or mean, I must confess I'd very freely take my oath, Self-love's a fault he don't possess. ... Epigram
(On Lord ----'s delivering his speeches in a sitting position, owing to excessive gout.) IN asserting that Z. is with villany rife, I very much doubt if the Whigs misreport him; Since two members attached to his person through life,... Epigram
(On ----'s late neglect of his judicial duties.) LORD ----'S left his circuit for a day, Which is to me a mystery profound; He leaves the circuit! he, of whom they say, That he delights in constant turning round. ... Epigram
A WATCH lost in a tavern! That's a crime; Then see how men by drinking lose their time. The watch kept time; and if time will away, I see no reason why the watch should stay. You say the key hung out, and you failed to lock it; ... Epigram
(On the sincerity of a certain prelate.) ---- ----'S discourses from his heart Proceed, as everybody owns; And thus they prove the poet's art, Who says that sermons are in stones. ... Epigram
HE that will never look upon an ass, Must lock his door and break his looking-glass. ... Epigram
(On the King's double dealing.) OF such a paradox as this, Before I never dreamt; The King of England has become, A subject of contempt!!! ... Epigram
CRIES Sylvia to a Reverend Dean, What reason can be given, Since marriage is a holy thing, That there are none in Heaven? There are no women, he replied. She quick returns the jest,-- Women there are, but I'm a... Epigram
(Accounting for the apostacy of ministers.) THE Whigs, because they rat and change To Toryism, all must spurn; Yet in the fact there's nothing strange, That Wigs should twist, or curl, or turn. ... Epigram
WHEN by a jury one is tried, Twelve of his equals are implied; Then W---- might attempt in vain, This sacred privilege to obtain. Since human nature ne'er on earth Gave to twelve equal scoundrels birth. ... Epigram
(On the oiled and perfumed ringlets of a certain Lord.) OF miracles this is sans doute the most rare, I ever perceived, heard reported, or read; A man with abundance of scents in his hair, Without the least atom of sense in his he... Epigram
THE jolly members of a toping club Like pipe-staves are, but hooped into a tub; And in a close confederacy link For nothing else, but only to hold drink. ... Epigram
(On Lord W----'s saying the independence of the House of Lords is gone.) THE independence of the Lords is gone, Says W----, to truth for once inclined; And to believe his lordship I am prone, Seeing that he himself is left behind.... Epigram
(On a certain M.P.'s indisposition.) HASTE son of Celsus, P--rc--v--l is ill; Dissect an ass before you try your skill. ... Epigram
(On the charge of illegally pawning brought against Captain B----, M.P.) IF it's true a newly made M.P. Has coolly pawned his landlord's property, As the said landlord certainly alleges, No more will Radicals and Whigs divide ... Epigram
(On a little member's versatility.) WHY little Neddy ---- yearns To rat, there is a reason strong, He needs be everything by turns, Who is by nature nothing long. ... Epigram
THAT Lord ---- owes nothing, one safely may say, For his creditors find he has nothing to pay. ... Epigram
(On ----'s ponderous speeches.) THOUGH Sir Edward has made many speeches of late, The House would most willingly spare them; For it finds they possess such remarkable weight, That it's really a trouble to bear them. ...