Evidence Of A Jockey
THE following dialogue was lately heard at an assize:--Counsel: What
was the height of the horse? Witness: Sixteen feet. Counsel: How old
was he? Witness: Six years. Counsel: How high did you say he was?
Witness: Sixteen hands. Counsel: You said just now sixteen feet.
Witness: Sixteen feet! Did I say sixteen feet? Counsel: You did.
Witness: If I did say sixteen feet, it was sixteen feet!--you don't
catch me crossing myself!
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Epitaph On A Miser
READER, beware immoderate love of pelf, Here lies the worst of thieves,--who robbed himself. ... Epitaph Upon Peter Staggs
POOR Peter Staggs now rests beneath this rail, Who loved his joke, his pipe, and mug of ale; For twenty years he did the duties well, Of ostler, boots, and waiter at the Bell. But death stepped in, and ordered Peter Staggs ... Epitaphs
IF truth, perspicuity, wit, gravity, and every property pertaining to the ancient or modern epitaph, may be expected united in one single epitaph, it is in one made for Burbadge, the tragedian, in the days of Shakespeare,--the following being the wh... Equal To Nothing
ON being informed that the judges in the Court of Common Pleas had little or nothing to do, Bushe remarked, Well, well, they're equal to it! ... Equality
SOME one was praising our public schools to Charles Landseer, and said, All our best men were public school men. Look at our poets. There's Byron, he was a Harrow boy----Yes, interrupted Charles, and there's Burns,--he was a ploughboy. ... Equality
A HIGHWAYMAN and a chimney-sweeper were condemned to be hanged the same time at Tyburn,--the first for an exploit on the highway, the latter for a more ignoble robbery. Keep farther off, can't you? said the highwayman, with some disdain. Sir, replie... Equality Of The Law
THE following cannot be omitted from a Jest Book, although somewhat lengthy:-- A man was convicted of bigamy, and the annexed conversation took ... Equitable Law
A RICH man made his will, leaving all he had to a company of fellow-citizens to dispose of, but reserving to his right heir such a portion as pleased them. The heir having sued the company for his share of the property, the judge inquired whether th... Erasmus Versus Luther
ERASMUS, of whom Cambridge has a right to be not a little proud, was entreated by Lord Mountjoy to attack the errors of Luther. My lord, answered Erasmus, nothing is more easy than to say Luther is mistaken, and nothing more difficult than to prove ... Error In Judgment
AN author once praised another writer very heartily to a third person. It is very strange, was the reply, that you speak so well of him, for he says that you are a charlatan.--O, replied the other, I think it very likely that both of us may be mista... Erudite
A LADY had a favorite lapdog, which she called Perchance. A singular name, said somebody, for a beautiful pet, madam. Where did you find it?--O, drawled she, it was named from Byron's dog. You remember where he says, 'Perchance my dog will howl.' ... Essay On Man
AT ten, a child; at twenty, wild; At thirty, tame, if ever; At forty, wise; at fifty, rich; At sixty, good, or never! ... Euclid Refuted
... Euclid Refuted
A PART, says Euclid, one at once may see, Unto the whole can never equal be; Yet W----'s speeches can this fact control, Of them a part is equal to the whole. ... Ever
yours, S.S. ... Evidence Of A Jockey
THE following dialogue was lately heard at an assize:--Counsel: What was the height of the horse? Witness: Sixteen feet. Counsel: How old was he? Witness: Six years. Counsel: How high did you say he was? Witness: Sixteen hands. Counsel: You said jus... Exaggeration
A MAN was boasting before a companion of his very strong sight. I can discern from here a mouse on the top of that very high tower.--I don't see it, answered, his comrade; but I hear it running. ... Excusable Fear
A HUSBAND, who only opposed his wife's ill humor by silence, was told by a friend that he was afraid of his wife.--It is not she I am afraid of, replied the husband, it is the noise. ... Excuse For Cowardice
A BRAGGART ran away from battle, and gave as a reason, that a friend had written his epitaph, which had an excellent point in it, provided he attained the age of one hundred. ... Existence Of Matter
AS Berkeley, the celebrated author of the Immaterial Theory, was one morning musing in the cloisters of Dublin College, an acquaintance came up to him, and, seeing him rapt in contemplation, hit him a smart rap on the shoulder with his cane. The dea... Expectoration
WE are terribly afraid that some Americans spit upon the floor, even when that floor is covered by good carpets. Now all claims to civilization are suspended till this secretion is otherwise disposed of. ... Experimentum Crucis
A MERCHANT being asked to define the meaning of experimental and natural philosophy, said he considered the first to be asking a man to discount a bill at a long date, and the second his refusing to do it. ... Extenuating Circumstances
A CASE of some great offence was tried before Lord Hermand (who was a great toper), and the counsel pleaded extenuation for his client in that he was drunk when he committed the offence. Drunk! exclaimed Lord Hermand, in great indignation; if he cou... Extraordinary Compromise
AT Durham assize a deaf old lady, who had brought an action for damages against a neighbor, was being examined, when the judge suggested a compromise, and instructed counsel to ask what she would take to settle the matter. His lordship wants to know... Extreme Simplicity
A COUNTRYMAN took his seat at a tavern-table opposite to a gentleman who was indulging in a bottle of wine. Supposing the wine to be common property, our unsophisticated country friend helped himself to it with the gentleman's glass. That's cool! ex... Extremely Sulphurous
LORD CHESTERFIELD, being told that a certain termagant and scold was married to a gamester, replied, that cards and brimstone made the best matches. ... Extremes Meet
AN Irish gardener seeing a boy stealing some fruit, swore, if he caught him there again, he'd lock him up in the ice-house and warm his jacket. ... Extremes Meet
A CLEVER literary friend of Jerrold, and one who could take a joke, told him he had just had some calf's-tail soup.--Extremes meet sometimes, said Jerrold. ... Fair Play
CURRAN, who was a very small man, having a dispute with a brother counsel (who was a very stout man), in which words ran high on both sides, called him out. The other, however, objected. You are so little, said he, that I might fire at you a dozen t... Fairly Won
THE only practical joke in which Richard Harris Barham (better known by his nom-de-plume of Thomas Ingoldsby) ever personally engaged, was enacted when he was a boy at Canterbury. In company with a schoolfellow, D----, now a gallant major, he entere...