Human Happiness
A CAPTAIN in the navy, meeting a friend as he landed at Portsmouth,
boasted that he had left his whole ship's company the happiest fellows
in the world. How so? asked his friend. Why, I have just flogged
seventeen, and they are happy it is over; and all the rest are happy
that they have escaped.
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High Gaming
BARON N., once playing at cards, was guilty of an odd trick; on which his opponent threw him out of the window of a one-pair-of-stairs room. The baron meeting Foote complained of this usage, and asked what he should do? Do, says the wit, never play ... Highland Politeness
SIR WALTER SCOTT had marked in his diary a territorial greeting of two proprietors which had amused him much. The laird of Kilspindie had met the laird of Tannachy-Tulloch, and the following compliments passed between them: Ye're maist obedient humm... Hinc Ille Lachrymae
THE mortality among Byron's mistresses, said the late Lady A----ll, is really alarming. I think he generally buries, in verse, a first love every fortnight.--Madam, replied Curran, mistresses are not so mortal. The fact is, my lord weeps for the pre... His Wayout
SIR RICHARD JEBB, the famous physician, who was very rough and harsh in his manner, once observed to a patient to whom he had been extremely rude, Sir, it is my way.--Then, returned his indignant patient, pointing to the door, I beg you will make th... Hoaxing An Audience
COOKE was announced one evening to play the Stranger at the Dublin Theatre. When he made his appearance, evident marks of agitation were visible in his countenance and gestures: this, by the generality of the audience, was called fine acting; but th... Holland's Funeral
HOLLAND, who was a great favorite with Foote, died. While the funeral ceremony was performing, G. Garrick remarked to Foote: You see what a snug family vault we have made here.--Family vault! said Foote, with tears trickling down his cheeks, I thoug... Home Is Home
I LIVE in Julia's eyes, said an affected dandy in Colman's hearing. I don't wonder at it, replied George; since I observed she had a sty in them when I saw her last. ... Honor
DURING a siege the officer in command proposed to the grenadiers a large sum of money as a reward to him who should first drive a fascine into a ditch which was exposed to the enemy's fire. None of the grenadiers offered. The general, astonished, be... Hook's Politeness
HOOK was once observed, during dinner, nodding like a Chinese mandarin in a tea-shop. On being asked the reason, he replied, Why when no one else asks me to take champagne, I take sherry with the epergne, and bow to the flowers. ... Horne Tooke And Wilkes
HORNE TOOKE having challenged Wilkes, who was then Sheriff of London and Middlesex, received the following laconic reply: Sir, I do not think it my business to cut the throat of every desperado that may be tired of his life; but, as I am at present ... Horses To Grass
IN an Irish paper was an advertisement for horses to stand at livery, on the following terms:-- Long-tailed horses, at 3s. 6d. per week. Short-tailed horses at 3s. per week. On inquiry into the cause of the difference, it was answered, that... How To Escape Taxation
I WOULD, says Fox, a tax devise That shall not fall on me. Then tax receipts, Lord North replies, For those you never see. ... How To Get Rid Of An Enemy
DR. MEAD, calling one day on a gentleman who had been severely afflicted with the gout, found, to his surprise, the disease gone, and the patient rejoicing on his recovery over a bottle of wine. Ah! said the doctor, shaking his head, this Madeira wi... How To Make A Man Of Consequence
A BROW austere, a circumspective eye, A frequent shrug of the os humeri, A nod significant, a stately gait, A blustering manner, and a tone of weight, A smile sarcastic, an expressive stare,-- Adopt all these, as time and p... Human Happiness
A CAPTAIN in the navy, meeting a friend as he landed at Portsmouth, boasted that he had left his whole ship's company the happiest fellows in the world. How so? asked his friend. Why, I have just flogged seventeen, and they are happy it is over; and... Humor Under Difficulties
A CRITIC one day talked to Jerrold about the humor of a celebrated novelist, dramatist, and poet, who was certainly no humorist. Humor! exclaimed Jerrold, why he sweats at a joke, like a Titan at a thunderbolt! ... Husbanding His Resources
A WAG, reading in one of Brigham Young's manifestoes, that the great resources of Utah are her women, exclaimed, It is very evident that the prophet is disposed to husband his resources. ... I Can Get Through
IN the cloisters of Trinity College, beneath the library, are grated windows, through which many of the students have occasionally, after the gates were locked, taken the liberty of passing, without an exeat, in rather a novel style. A certain Canta... I Hear You Said Was The Worst Book I Ever
wrote. Jerrold.--No, I didn't. I said it was the worst book anybody ever wrote. ... I Takes 'em As They Come
A CANTAB, one day observing a ragamuffin-looking boy scratching his head at the door of Alderman Purchase, in Cambridge, where he was begging, and thinking to pass a joke upon him, said, So, Jack, you are picking them out, are you?--Nah, sar, retort... I've Done The Same Thing Often
A MR. JOHN SMITH, who is described, evidently not without reason, as a fast talker, gave the following description of the blowing up of a steamboat on the Mississippi: I had landed at Helena for a minute to drop some letters into the post-office, wh... Idolatry
THE toilette of a woman is an altar erected by self-love to vanity. ... If You Do Not Receive This Of Course It Must Have Miscarried
therefore I beg you will write to let me know. ... Imitation Of A Cow
MR. JAMES BOSWELL, the friend and biographer of Dr. Johnson, when a youth, went to the pit of Covent Garden Theatre in company with Dr. Blair, and, in a frolic, imitated the lowing of a cow; and the universal cry in the galleries was, Encore the cow... Important To Bachelors
SOME clever fellow has invented a new kind of ink, called the love-letter ink. It is a sure preventive against all cases of breach of promise, as the ink fades away, and leaves the sheet blank, in about four weeks after being written upon. ... Impossible In The Evening
THEODORE HOOK, about to be proposed a member of the Phoenix Club, inquired when they met. Every Saturday evening during the winter, was the answer. Evening? O then, said he, I shall never make a Phoenix, for I can't rise from the fire. ... Impromptu
'TIS said that walls have ears; if this be true, St Stephen's walls the gift must often rue. ... Impromptu
(Spoken between the Third and Fourth Acts of Cowley's Tragedy The Fall of Sparta.) SO great thy art, that while we viewed, Of Sparta's sons the lot severe, We caught the Spartan fortitude, And saw their woes without a tear! ...