Making Progress
A STUDENT, being asked what progress he had made in the study of
medicine, modestly replied: I hope I shall soon be fully qualified as
physician, for I think I am now able to cure a child.
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Love And Hymen
HYMEN comes when he is called, and Love when he pleases. ... Love Of The Sea
... Luxurious Smoking
THE most luxurious smoker I ever knew, says Mr. Paget, was a young Transylvanian, who told me that his servant always inserted a lighted pipe into his mouth the first thing in the morning, and that he smoked it out before he awoke. 'It is so pleasan... Lying
DON'T give your mind to lying. A lie may do very well for a time, but, ... Lying Consistently
TWO old ladies, who were known to be of the same age, had the same desire to keep the real number concealed; one therefore used upon a New-year's-day to go to the other, and say, Madam, I am come to know how old we are to be this year. ... Mac Ready To Call
IN the time of Sir John Macpherson's Indian government, most of his staff consisted of Scotch gentlemen, whose names began with Mac. One of the aides-de-camp used to call the government-house Almack's, For, said he, if you stand in the middle of the... Mad Quakers
A MAD Quaker belongs to a small and rich sect; and is, therefore, of greater importance than any other mad person of the same degree in life. ... Maids And Wives
WOMEN are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk: once make 'em wives, and they lean their backs against their marriage ... Making A Clearance
AT Glasgow forty years ago, when the time had come for the bowl to be introduced, some jovial and thirsty member of the company proposed as a toast, The trade of Glasgow and the outward bound; the hint was taken, and silks and satins moved off to th... Making Free
FORMERLY, members of parliament had the privilege of franking letters sent by post. When this was so, a sender on one occasion applied to the post-office to know why some of his franked letters had been charged. He was told that the name on the lett... Making Free With The Waist
CURRAN, in cross-examining the chief witness of a plaintiff in an action for an assault, obliged him to acknowledge that the plaintiff had put his arm round the waist of Miss D----, which had provoked the defendant to strike him: Then, sir, I presum... Making It Up
AN attorney being informed by his cook that there was not dinner enough provided, upon one occasion when company were expected, he asked if she had brothed the clerks. She replied that she had done so. Well then, said he, broth 'em again. ... Making Progress
A STUDENT, being asked what progress he had made in the study of medicine, modestly replied: I hope I shall soon be fully qualified as physician, for I think I am now able to cure a child. ... Man-traps
IT being unlawful to set man-traps and spring-guns, a gentleman once hit upon a happy device. He was a scholar, and being often asked the meaning of mysterious words compounded from the Greek, that appear in every day's newspaper, and finding they a... Marriage
A WIDOWER, having taken another wife, was, nevertheless, always paying some panegyric to the memory of his late spouse, in the presence of his present one; who one day added, with great feeling, Believe me, my dear, nobody regrets her loss more than... Marriage
IN marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy. ... Matrimony
MY dear, what makes you always yawn? The wife exclaimed, her temper gone, Is home so dull and dreary? Not so, my love, he said, Not so; But man and wife are one, you know; And when alone I'm weary! ... Matter In His Madness
A LUNATIC in Bedlam was asked how he came there? He answered, By a dispute.--What dispute? The bedlamite replied, The world said I was mad; I said the world was mad, and they outwitted me. ... Maule-practice
A MAN having broken open a young lady's jewel-case (the offence was differently described in the indictment), pleaded that he had done so with consent. In the future, said Mr. Justice Maule, When you receive a lady's consent under similar circumstan... Measure For Measure
A FELLOW stole Lord Chatham's large gouty shoes: his servant, not finding them, began to curse the thief. Never mind, said his lordship, all the harm I wish the rogue is, that the shoes may fit him! ... Measure For Measure
THE amiable Mrs. W---- always insists that her friends who take grog shall mix equal quantities of spirits and water, though she never observes the rule for herself. A writer of plays having once made a glass under her directions, was asked by the l... Measuring His Distance
A BROWBEATING counsel asked a witness how far he had been from a certain place. Just four yards, two feet, and six inches, was the reply. How came you to be so exact, my friend?--Because I expected some fool or other would ask me, and so I measured ... Melodramatic Hit
BURKE'S was a complete failure, when he flung the dagger on the floor of the House of Commons, and produced nothing but a smothered laugh, and a ... Men Of Letters
A CORRESPONDENT, something new Transmitting, signed himself X.Q. The editor his letter read, And begged he might be X.Q.Z. ...