Measuring His Distance
A BROWBEATING counsel asked a witness how far he had been from a certain
place. Just four yards, two feet, and six inches, was the reply. How
came you to be so exact, my friend?--Because I expected some fool or
other would ask me, and so I measured it.
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Making A Clearance
AT Glasgow forty years ago, when the time had come for the bowl to be introduced, some jovial and thirsty member of the company proposed as a toast, The trade of Glasgow and the outward bound; the hint was taken, and silks and satins moved off to th... Making Free
FORMERLY, members of parliament had the privilege of franking letters sent by post. When this was so, a sender on one occasion applied to the post-office to know why some of his franked letters had been charged. He was told that the name on the lett... Making Free With The Waist
CURRAN, in cross-examining the chief witness of a plaintiff in an action for an assault, obliged him to acknowledge that the plaintiff had put his arm round the waist of Miss D----, which had provoked the defendant to strike him: Then, sir, I presum... Making It Up
AN attorney being informed by his cook that there was not dinner enough provided, upon one occasion when company were expected, he asked if she had brothed the clerks. She replied that she had done so. Well then, said he, broth 'em again. ... Making Progress
A STUDENT, being asked what progress he had made in the study of medicine, modestly replied: I hope I shall soon be fully qualified as physician, for I think I am now able to cure a child. ... Man-traps
IT being unlawful to set man-traps and spring-guns, a gentleman once hit upon a happy device. He was a scholar, and being often asked the meaning of mysterious words compounded from the Greek, that appear in every day's newspaper, and finding they a... Marriage
A WIDOWER, having taken another wife, was, nevertheless, always paying some panegyric to the memory of his late spouse, in the presence of his present one; who one day added, with great feeling, Believe me, my dear, nobody regrets her loss more than... Marriage
IN marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy. ... Matrimony
MY dear, what makes you always yawn? The wife exclaimed, her temper gone, Is home so dull and dreary? Not so, my love, he said, Not so; But man and wife are one, you know; And when alone I'm weary! ... Matter In His Madness
A LUNATIC in Bedlam was asked how he came there? He answered, By a dispute.--What dispute? The bedlamite replied, The world said I was mad; I said the world was mad, and they outwitted me. ... Maule-practice
A MAN having broken open a young lady's jewel-case (the offence was differently described in the indictment), pleaded that he had done so with consent. In the future, said Mr. Justice Maule, When you receive a lady's consent under similar circumstan... Measure For Measure
A FELLOW stole Lord Chatham's large gouty shoes: his servant, not finding them, began to curse the thief. Never mind, said his lordship, all the harm I wish the rogue is, that the shoes may fit him! ... Measure For Measure
THE amiable Mrs. W---- always insists that her friends who take grog shall mix equal quantities of spirits and water, though she never observes the rule for herself. A writer of plays having once made a glass under her directions, was asked by the l... Measuring His Distance
A BROWBEATING counsel asked a witness how far he had been from a certain place. Just four yards, two feet, and six inches, was the reply. How came you to be so exact, my friend?--Because I expected some fool or other would ask me, and so I measured ... Melodramatic Hit
BURKE'S was a complete failure, when he flung the dagger on the floor of the House of Commons, and produced nothing but a smothered laugh, and a ... Men Of Letters
A CORRESPONDENT, something new Transmitting, signed himself X.Q. The editor his letter read, And begged he might be X.Q.Z. ... Men Of Weight
IF fat men ride, they tire the horse, And if they walk themselves--that's worse: Travel at all, they are at best, Either oppressors or opprest. ... Milesian Advice
NEVER be critical upon the ladies, was the maxim of an old Irish peer, remarkable for his homage to the sex; the only way in the world that a true gentleman ever will attempt to look at the faults of a pretty woman, is to shut his eyes. ... Military Eloquence
AN officer who commanded a regiment very ill-clothed, seeing a party of the enemy advancing, who appeared newly equipped, he said to his soldiers, in order to rally them on to glory, There, my brave fellows, go and clothe yourselves. ... Milton On Woman
MILTON was asked by a friend whether he would instruct his daughters in the different languages: to which he replied, No, sir; one tongue is sufficient for a woman. ... Mind Your Points
A WRITER, in describing the last scene of Othello, had this exquisite passage: Upon which the Moor, seizing a bolster full of rage and jealousy, smothers her. ... Minding His Business
MURPHY was asked how it was so difficult to waken him in the morning: Indeed, master, it's because of taking your own advice, always to attind to what I'm about; so whenever I sleeps, I pays attintion to it. ... Minding His Cue
MR. ELLISTON was enacting the part of Richmond; and having, during the evening, disobeyed the injunction which the King of Denmark lays down to the Queen, Gertrude, do not drink, he accosted Mr. Powell, who was personating Lord Stanley (for the safe... Miser's Charity
AN illiterate person, who always volunteered to go round with the hat, but was suspected of sparing his own pocket, overhearing once a hint to that effect, replied, Other gentlemen puts down what they thinks proper, and so do I. Charity's a private ... Miss Wilberforce
WHEN Mr. Wilberforce was a candidate for Hull, his sister, an amiable and witty young lady, offered the compliment of a new gown to each of the wives of those freemen who voted for her brother, on which she was saluted with a cry of Miss Wilberforce... Mistaken Identity
A PHYSICIAN attending a lady several times, had received a couple of guineas each visit; at last, when he was going away, she gave him but one; at which he was surprised, and looking on the floor, I believe, madam, said he, I have dropt a guinea.--N...