Mr Abernethy
A LADY who went to consult Mr. Abernethy, began describing her
complaint, which is what he very much disliked. Among other things she
said, Whenever I lift my arm, it pains me exceedingly.--Why then,
ma'am, answered Mr. A., you area great fool for doing so.
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Miss Wilberforce
WHEN Mr. Wilberforce was a candidate for Hull, his sister, an amiable and witty young lady, offered the compliment of a new gown to each of the wives of those freemen who voted for her brother, on which she was saluted with a cry of Miss Wilberforce... Mistaken Identity
A PHYSICIAN attending a lady several times, had received a couple of guineas each visit; at last, when he was going away, she gave him but one; at which he was surprised, and looking on the floor, I believe, madam, said he, I have dropt a guinea.--N... Modern Acting
JERROLD was told that a certain well-puffed tragedian, who has a husky voice, was going to act Cardinal Wolsey, Jerrold.--Cardinal Wolsey!--Linsey Wolsey! ... Modest
IT has been said that a lady once asked Lord B--g--m who was the best debater in the House of Lords. His lordship modestly replied, Lord Stanley is the second, madam. ... Modest Merit
A PLAYER applied to the manager of a respectable company for an engagement for himself and his wife, stating that his lady was capable of playing all the first line of business; but as for himself he was the worst actor in the world. They were engag... Modest Request
A GENTLEMAN travelling, was accosted by a man walking along the road, who begged the favor of him to put his great coat, which he found very heavy, into his carriage. With all my heart, said the gentleman; but if we should not be travelling to the s... Money Returned
A LAWYER being sick, made his last will, and gave all his estate to fools and madmen: being asked the reason for so doing; From such, said he, I had it, and to such I give it again. ... Money's Worth
A SOLDIER, having retired from service, thought to raise a few pounds by writing his adventures. Having completed the manuscript, he offered it to a bookseller for forty pounds. It was a very small volume, and the bookseller was much surprised at hi... Money's Worth
WHILST inspecting a farm in a pauperized district, an enterprising agriculturist could not help noticing the slow, drawling motions of one of the laborers there, and said, My man, you do not sweat at that work.--Why, no, master, was the reply, seven... Money's Worth
A RICH upstart once asked a poor person if he had any idea of the advantages arising from riches. I believe they give a rogue an advantage over an honest man, was the reply. ... Moral Equality Of Man
ALL honest men, whether counts or cobblers, are of the same rank, if classed by moral distinctions. ... More Honored In The Breach
A LAIRD OF LOGAN sold a horse to an Englishman, saying, You buy him as you see him; but he's an honest beast. The purchaser took him home. In a few days he stumbled and fell, to the damage of his own knees and his rider's head. On this the angry pur... Motherly Remark
SIR DAVID BAIRD, with great gallantry and humanity, had a queer temper. When news came to England that he was one of those poor prisoners in India who were tied back to back to fetter them, his mother exclaimed, Heaven pity the man that's tied to my... Mr Abernethy
A LADY who went to consult Mr. Abernethy, began describing her complaint, which is what he very much disliked. Among other things she said, Whenever I lift my arm, it pains me exceedingly.--Why then, ma'am, answered Mr. A., you area great fool for d... Mr Canning's Parasites
NATURE descends down to infinite smallness. Mr. Canning has his parasites; and if you take a large buzzing blue-bottle fly, and look at it in a microscope, you may see twenty or thirty little ugly insects crawling about it, which doubtless think the... Mr Charles Yorke
WHEN Mr. Charles Yorke was returned a member for the University of Cambridge, about the year 1770, he went round the Senate to thank those who had voted for him. Among the number was a Mr. P., who was proverbial for having the largest and most hideo... Mr Erskine's Firmness
IN the famous trial of the Dean of Asaph, Mr. Erskine put a question to the jury, relative to the meaning of their verdict. Mr. Justice Buller objected to its propriety. The counsel reiterated his question, and demanded an answer. The judge again in... Mr Thelwall
WHEN citizen Thelwall was on his trial at the Old Bailey for high treason, during the evidence for the prosecution he wrote the following note, and sent it to his counsel, Mr. Erskine: I am determined to plead my cause myself. Mr. Erskine wrote unde... Mr Tierney's Humor
MR. TIERNEY, when alluding to the difficulty the Foxites and Pittites had in passing over to join each other in attacking the Addington Ministry (forgetting at the moment how easily he had himself overcome a like difficulty in joining that Ministry)... Much Alike
A SAILOR was asked, Where did your father die?--In a storm, answered the sailor. And your grandfather?--He was drowned.--And your great-grandfather?--He perished at sea.--How, then, said the questioner, dare you go to sea, since all your ancestors p... Multiplying One
SYDNEY SMITH once said: I remember entering a room with glass all round it at the French embassy, and saw myself reflected on every side. I took it for a meeting of the clergy, and was delighted of course. ... Musical Taste
A LATE noble statesman, more famous for his wit than his love of music, being asked why he did not subscribe to the Ancient Concerts, and it being urged as a reason for it that his brother, the Bishop of W----, did: Oh, replied his lordship, if I wa... Nat Lee And Sir Roger L'estrange
THE author of Alexander the Great, whilst confined in a madhouse, was visited by Sir Roger L'Estrange, of whose political abilities Lee entertained no very high opinion. Upon the knight inquiring whether the poet knew him, Lee answered:-- Cus... National Prejudice
FOOTE being told of the appointment of a Scotch nobleman, said, The Irish, sir, take us all in, and the Scotch turn us all out. ... Native Wit
JOHN was thought to be very stupid. He was sent to a mill one day, and the miller said, John, some people say you are a fool! Now, tell me what you do know, and what you don't know.--Well, replied John, I know millers' hogs are fat!--Yes, that's wel... Natural
MRS. SMITH, hearing strange sounds, inquired of her new servant if she snored in her sleep. I don't know, marm, replied Becky, quite innocently; I never lay awake long enough to diskiver. ...