Our Landlady
A LANDLADY, who exhibited an inordinate love for the vulgar fluid gin,
would order her servant to get the supplies after the following fashion:
Betty, go and get a quartern loaf, and half a quartern of gin. Off
started Betty. She was speedily recalled: Betty, make it half a
quartern loaf, and a quartern of gin. But Betty had never fairly got
across the threshold on the mission ere the voice was again heard:
Betty, on second thoughts, you may as well make it all gin.
More
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One For His Nob
A BARRISTER entered the hall with his wig very much awry, of which he was not at all apprised, but was obliged to endure from almost every observer some remark on its appearance, till at last, addressing himself to Mr. Curran, he asked him, Do you s... One Good Turn Deserves Another
DR. A., physician at Newcastle, being summoned to a vestry, in order to reprimand the sexton for drunkenness, he dwelt so long on the sexton's misconduct, as to draw from him this expression: Sir, I thought you would have been the last man alive to ... One Head Better Than A Dozen
KING HENRY VIII., designing to send an embassy to Francis I. at a very dangerous juncture, the nobleman selected begged to be excused, saying, Such a threatening message to so hot a prince as Francis I. might go near to cost him his life.--Fear not,... One Thing At A Time
A VERY dull play was talked of, and one attempted a defence by saying, It was not hissed.--True, said another; no one can hiss and gape at the same time. ... Only A Ninepin
THE Earl of Lonsdale was so extensive a proprietor, and patron of boroughs, that he returned nine members to Parliament, who were facetiously called Lord Lonsdale's ninepins. One of the members thus designated, having made a very extravagant speech ... Only Enough For One
SHERIDAN was once staying at the house of an elderly maiden lady in the country, who wanted more of his company than he was willing to give. Proposing one day to take a stroll with him, he excused himself on account of the badness of the weather. Sh... Only For Life
A SPANISH Archbishop having a dispute with an opulent duke, who said with scorn, What are you? your title and revenues are only for your life, answered by asking, And for how many lives does your Grace hold yours? ... Open Confession
IN a cause tried in the Court of Queen's Bench, the plaintiff being a widow, and the defendants two medical men who had treated her for delirium tremens, and put her under restraint as a lunatic, witnesses were called on the part of the plaintiff to... Openly
NO, Varus hates a thing that's base; I own, indeed, he's got a knack Of flattering people to their face, But scorns to do 't behind their back. ... Opposite Tempers
GENERAL SUTTON was very passionate, and calling one morning on Sir Robert Walpole, who was quite the reverse, found his servant shaving him. During the conversation, Sir Robert said, John, you cut me; and continued the former subject of discourse. P... Oratory
AT the time when Sir Richard Steele was preparing his great room in York Buildings for public orations, he was behindhand in his payments to the workmen; and coming one day among them, to see what progress they made, he ordered the carpenter to get ... Order! Order!
A BARRISTER opened a case somewhat confusedly. Mr. Justice Maule interrupted him. I wish, Mr. ----, you would put your facts in some order; chronological order is the best, but I am not particular. Any order you like--alphabetical order. ... Origin Of The Term Grog
THE British sailors had always been accustomed to drink their allowance of brandy or rum clear, till Admiral Vernon ordered those under his command to mix it with water. The innovation gave great offence to the sailors, and for a time rendered the c... Orthography
THE laird of M'N----b was writing a letter from an Edinburgh coffee-house, when a friend observed that he was setting at defiance the laws of orthography and grammar. I ken that weel eno'! exclaimed the Highland chieftain, but how can a man write gr... Our English Love Of Dinners
IF an earthquake were to engulf England to-morrow, said Jerrold, the English would manage to meet and dine somewhere among the rubbish, just to celebrate the event. ... Our Landlady
A LANDLADY, who exhibited an inordinate love for the vulgar fluid gin, would order her servant to get the supplies after the following fashion: Betty, go and get a quartern loaf, and half a quartern of gin. Off started Betty. She was speedily recall... Out Brief Candle
A VERY small officer struck an old grenadier of his company for some supposed fault in performing his evolutions. The grenadier gravely took off his cap, and, holding it over the officer by the tip, said, Sir, if you were not my officer, I would ext... Out Of Spirits
IS my wife out of spirits? said John with a sigh, As her voice of a tempest gave warning. Quite out, sir, indeed, said her maid in reply, For she finished the bottle this morning. ... Outline Of An Ambassador
WHEN the Duke de Choiseul, who was a remarkably meagre-looking man, came to London to negotiate a peace, Charles Townsend, being asked whether the French government had sent the preliminaries of a treaty, answered, he did not know, but they had sent... Outward Appearance
MAN is a sort of tree which we are too apt to judge of by the bark. ... Over-wise
IN a lecture-room of St. John's College, Cambridge, a student one morning, construing the Medea of Euripides came to the following passage:-- [Greek: All ouk arisophos eimi.] To which he gave the proper sense,-- I am not over-wise; ... Oxford And Cambridge Actors
KING JAMES had two comedies acted before him, the one at Cambridge, the other at Oxford; that at Cambridge was called Ignoramus, an ingenious thing, wherein one Mr. Sleep was a principal actor; the other at Oxford was but a dull piece, and therein M... Paddy's Logic
THE sun is all very well, said an Irishman, but the moon is worth two of it; for the moon affords us light in the night-time, when we want it, whereas the sun's with us in the day-time, when we have no occasion for it. ... Painted Charms
OF a celebrated actress, who, in her declining days, bought charms of carmine and pearl-powder, Jerrold said, Egad! she should have a hoop about her, with a notice upon it, 'Beware of the paint.' ... Painting
A NOBLEMAN who was a great amateur painter showed one of his performances to Turner. That great artist said to him, My lord, you want nothing but poverty to become a very excellent painter. ... Painting
A GENTLEMAN seeing a fine painting representing a man playing on the lute, paid this high compliment to the artist. When I look on that painting I think myself deaf. ... Painting And Medicine
A PAINTER of very middling abilities turned doctor: on being questioned respecting this change, he answered, In painting, all faults are exposed to view; but in medicine, they are buried with the patient. ... Par Nobile Fratrum
A FORMER laird of Brotherton was on all occasions a man of few words. He had a favorite tame goose, and for hours together Brotherton and his silent companion sat by the fireside opposite to each other. On one occasion a candidate for the representa... Parliamentary Case
BISHOP ANDREWS, who was master and a great benefactor of Pembroke Hall, was one day at court with Waller the poet, and others. While King James was at dinner, attended by Andrews, Bishop of Winchester, and Neale, Bishop of Durham, his Majesty said t... Parliamentary Reprimand
IN the reign of George II., Mr. Crowle, a counsel of some eminence, was summoned to the bar of the House of Commons to receive a reprimand from the Speaker, on his knees. As he rose from the ground, with the utmost nonchalance he took out his handke...