Proper Distinction
AN undergraduate had unconsciously strayed into the garden of a certain
D.D., then master of the college adjoining. He had not been there many
minutes, when Dr. ---- entered himself, and, perceiving the student, in
no very courteous manner desired the young gentleman to walk out; which
the undergraduate not doing (in the opinion of the doctor) in sufficient
haste, Domine demanded, rather peremptorily, whether he knew who he
was? at the same time informing the intruder he was Dr. ----. That,
replied the undergraduate, is impossible; for Dr. ---- is a
gentleman, and you are a blackguard!
More
-
Powder Without Ball
DR. GOODALL, of Eton, about the same time that he was made Provost of Eton, received also a Stall at Windsor. A young lady, whilst congratulating him on his elevation, and requesting him to give a ball during the vacation, happened to touch his wig ... Practical Retort
IN a country theatre there were only seven persons in the house one night. The pit took offence at the miserable acting of a performer, and hissed him energetically; whereupon the manager brought his company on the stage, and out-hissed the visitors... Precautionary
LORD JOHN RUSSELL, remarkable for the smallness of his person as Lord Nugent was for the reverse, was expected at a house where Sydney Smith was a guest. Lord John comes here to-day, said Sydney Smith, his corporeal anti-part, Lord Nugent, is alread... Preferment
AMONG the daly inquirers after the health of an aged Bishop of D----m, during his indisposition, no one was more sedulously punctual than the Bishop of E----r; and the invalid seemed to think that other motives than those of anxious kindness might c... Pretty
HOPE is the dream of those who are awake. ... Priest's Orders
AN actor named Priest was playing at one of the principal theatres. Some one remarked to the Garrick Club that there were a great many men in the pit. Probably clerks who have taken Priest's orders, said Mr. Poole, one of the best punsters as well a... Prime's Preservative
SERGEANT PRIME had a remarkably long nose, and being one day out riding, was flung from his horse, and fell upon his face in the middle of the road. A countryman, who saw the occurrence, ran hastily up, raised the sergeant from the mire, and asked h... Primogeniture
AN Irish clergyman having gone to visit the portraits of the Scottish kings in Holyrood House, observed one of the monarchs of a very youthful appearance, while his son was depicted with a long beard, and wore the traits of extreme old age. Sancta M... Priority
AN old Scotch domestic gave a capital reason to his young master for his being allowed to do as he liked: Ye need na find faut wi' me, Maister Jeems, I hae been langer about the place than yersel'. ... Profession And Practice
A YOUNG lawyer who had been admitted about a year, was asked by a friend, How do you like your new profession? The reply was accompanied by a brief sigh to suit the occasion: My profession is much better than my practice. ... Professional
AN editor at a dinner-table being asked if he would take some pudding, replied, in a fit of abstraction, Owing to a crowd of other matter, we are unable to find room for it. ... Professional Candor
A GENTLEMAN afflicted with rheumatism consulted a physician, who immediately wrote him a prescription. As the patient was going away the doctor called him back. By the way, sir, should my prescription happen to afford you any relief, please to let m... Professional Companions
A GENTLEMAN, who was dining with another, praised the meat very much, and inquired who was his butcher. His name is Addison.--Addison! echoed the guest; pray is he any relation to the poet?--I can't say: but this I know, he is seldom without his Ste... Professional Recognition
MISS KELLY standing one day in the street, enjoying the vagaries of punch with the rest of the crowd, the showman came up to her and solicited a contribution. She was not very ready in answering the demand, when the fellow, taking care to make her u... Profitable Juggling
A PROFESSOR of legerdemain entertained an audience in a village, which was principally composed of colliers. After astonishing the natives with various tricks, he asked the loan of a halfpenny. A collier, with a little hesitation, handed out the coi... Proof Impression
MR. BETHEL, an Irish barrister, when the question of the Union was in debate, like all the junior barristers published pamphlets upon the subject. Mr. Lysaght met this pamphleteer in the hall of the Four Courts, and in a friendly way, said, Zounds! ... Proof Positive
A CHEMIST asserted that all bitter things were hot. No, said a gentleman present, there is a bitter cold day. ... Proper Distinction
AN undergraduate had unconsciously strayed into the garden of a certain D.D., then master of the college adjoining. He had not been there many minutes, when Dr. ---- entered himself, and, perceiving the student, in no very courteous manner desired t... Prosiness
A PROSY old gentleman meeting Jerrold, related a long, limp account of a stupid practical joke, concluding with the information that he really thought he should have died with laughter.--I wish to heaven you had, was Jerrold's reply. ... Proving Their Metal
WHEN the Prince of Orange, afterwards William the Third, came over to this country, five of the seven bishops who were sent to the Tower declared for his highness; but the other two would not come into the measures. Upon which Dryden said, that the ... Pulling Up A Poet
A POET was once walking with T----, in the street, reciting some of his verses. T---- perceiving, at a short distance, a man yawning, pointed him out to the poet, saying, Not so loud, he hears you. ... Punctuation
SOME gentlemen talking on the inattention of writers to punctuation, it was observed that the lawyers used no stops in their writings. I should not mind that, said one of the party, but they put no periods to their works. ... Puppies Never See Till They Are Nine Days Old
IT is related, that when a former Bishop of Bristol held the office of Vice-Chancellor of the University of Cambridge, he one day met a couple of undergraduates, who neglected to pay the accustomed compliment of capping. The bishop inquired the reas... Pure Folks
VERY pure folks won't be held up to the light and shown to be very dirty bottles, without paying back hard abuse for the impertinence. ... Putting A Stop To Pilgrim's Progress
JEMMY GORDON, meeting the prosecutor of a felon, named Pilgrim, who was convicted and sentenced to be transported at the Cambridge assizes, exclaimed, You have done, sir, what the Pope of Rome could never do; you have put a stop to Pilgrim's Progres... Qed
A COUNTRY schoolmaster was met by a certain nobleman, who asked his name and vocation. Having declared his name, he added, And I am master of this parish.--Master of this parish, observed the peer, how can that be?--I am master of the children of th... Quaint Epitaph
DR. FULLER having requested one of his companions to make an epitaph for him, received the following: Here lies Fuller's earth! ... Qualifying For Bail
A GENTLEMAN once appeared in the Court of King's Bench to give bail in the sum of 3,000l. Serjeant Davy, wanting to display his wit, said to him, sternly, And pray, sir, how do you make out that you are worth 3,000l.? The gentleman stated the partic... Quantum Suff
IN former days, when roads were bad, and wheeled vehicles almost unknown, an old laird was returning from a supper party, with his lady mounted behind him on horseback. On crossing the river Urr, the old lady dropped off, but was not missed till her... Queer Partners
JERROLD, at a party, noticed a doctor in solemn black waltzing with a young lady who was dressed in a silk of brilliant blue. As I live! there's a blue pill dancing with a black draught! said Jerrold. ... Question And Answer
A QUAKER was examined before the Board of Excise, respecting certain duties; the commissioners thinking themselves disrespectfully treated by his theeing and thouing, one of them with a stern countenance asked him, Pray, sir, do you know what we sit... Question Answered
THAT idiot W---- coming out of the Opera one night, called out, Where is my fellow?--Not in England, I'll swear, said a bystander. ... Quid Pro Quo
A PHYSICIAN of an acrimonious disposition, and having a thorough hatred of lawyers, reproached a barrister with the use of phrases utterly unintelligible. For example, said he, I never could understand what you lawyers mean by docking an entail.--Th... Quid Pro Quo
SMITH and Brown, running opposite ways round a corner, struck each other. Oh dear! says Smith, how you made my head ring!--That's a sign it's hollow, said Brown. Didn't yours ring? said Smith. No, said Brown. That's a sign it's cracked, replied his ...