Quantum Suff
IN former days, when roads were bad, and wheeled vehicles almost
unknown, an old laird was returning from a supper party, with his lady
mounted behind him on horseback. On crossing the river Urr, the old lady
dropped off, but was not missed till her husband reached his door. The
party who were despatched in quest of her, arrived just in time to find
her remonstrating with the advancing tide, which trickled into her
mouth, in these words, No anither drap; neither het nor cauld.
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Professional Recognition
MISS KELLY standing one day in the street, enjoying the vagaries of punch with the rest of the crowd, the showman came up to her and solicited a contribution. She was not very ready in answering the demand, when the fellow, taking care to make her u... Profitable Juggling
A PROFESSOR of legerdemain entertained an audience in a village, which was principally composed of colliers. After astonishing the natives with various tricks, he asked the loan of a halfpenny. A collier, with a little hesitation, handed out the coi... Proof Impression
MR. BETHEL, an Irish barrister, when the question of the Union was in debate, like all the junior barristers published pamphlets upon the subject. Mr. Lysaght met this pamphleteer in the hall of the Four Courts, and in a friendly way, said, Zounds! ... Proof Positive
A CHEMIST asserted that all bitter things were hot. No, said a gentleman present, there is a bitter cold day. ... Proper Distinction
AN undergraduate had unconsciously strayed into the garden of a certain D.D., then master of the college adjoining. He had not been there many minutes, when Dr. ---- entered himself, and, perceiving the student, in no very courteous manner desired t... Prosiness
A PROSY old gentleman meeting Jerrold, related a long, limp account of a stupid practical joke, concluding with the information that he really thought he should have died with laughter.--I wish to heaven you had, was Jerrold's reply. ... Proving Their Metal
WHEN the Prince of Orange, afterwards William the Third, came over to this country, five of the seven bishops who were sent to the Tower declared for his highness; but the other two would not come into the measures. Upon which Dryden said, that the ... Pulling Up A Poet
A POET was once walking with T----, in the street, reciting some of his verses. T---- perceiving, at a short distance, a man yawning, pointed him out to the poet, saying, Not so loud, he hears you. ... Punctuation
SOME gentlemen talking on the inattention of writers to punctuation, it was observed that the lawyers used no stops in their writings. I should not mind that, said one of the party, but they put no periods to their works. ... Puppies Never See Till They Are Nine Days Old
IT is related, that when a former Bishop of Bristol held the office of Vice-Chancellor of the University of Cambridge, he one day met a couple of undergraduates, who neglected to pay the accustomed compliment of capping. The bishop inquired the reas... Pure Folks
VERY pure folks won't be held up to the light and shown to be very dirty bottles, without paying back hard abuse for the impertinence. ... Putting A Stop To Pilgrim's Progress
JEMMY GORDON, meeting the prosecutor of a felon, named Pilgrim, who was convicted and sentenced to be transported at the Cambridge assizes, exclaimed, You have done, sir, what the Pope of Rome could never do; you have put a stop to Pilgrim's Progres... Qed
A COUNTRY schoolmaster was met by a certain nobleman, who asked his name and vocation. Having declared his name, he added, And I am master of this parish.--Master of this parish, observed the peer, how can that be?--I am master of the children of th... Quaint Epitaph
DR. FULLER having requested one of his companions to make an epitaph for him, received the following: Here lies Fuller's earth! ... Qualifying For Bail
A GENTLEMAN once appeared in the Court of King's Bench to give bail in the sum of 3,000l. Serjeant Davy, wanting to display his wit, said to him, sternly, And pray, sir, how do you make out that you are worth 3,000l.? The gentleman stated the partic... Quantum Suff
IN former days, when roads were bad, and wheeled vehicles almost unknown, an old laird was returning from a supper party, with his lady mounted behind him on horseback. On crossing the river Urr, the old lady dropped off, but was not missed till her... Queer Partners
JERROLD, at a party, noticed a doctor in solemn black waltzing with a young lady who was dressed in a silk of brilliant blue. As I live! there's a blue pill dancing with a black draught! said Jerrold. ... Question And Answer
A QUAKER was examined before the Board of Excise, respecting certain duties; the commissioners thinking themselves disrespectfully treated by his theeing and thouing, one of them with a stern countenance asked him, Pray, sir, do you know what we sit... Question Answered
THAT idiot W---- coming out of the Opera one night, called out, Where is my fellow?--Not in England, I'll swear, said a bystander. ... Quid Pro Quo
A PHYSICIAN of an acrimonious disposition, and having a thorough hatred of lawyers, reproached a barrister with the use of phrases utterly unintelligible. For example, said he, I never could understand what you lawyers mean by docking an entail.--Th... Quid Pro Quo
SMITH and Brown, running opposite ways round a corner, struck each other. Oh dear! says Smith, how you made my head ring!--That's a sign it's hollow, said Brown. Didn't yours ring? said Smith. No, said Brown. That's a sign it's cracked, replied his ... Quid Pro Quo
AN Irish lawyer, famed for cross-examining, was, on one occasion, completely silenced by a horse-dealer. Pray, Mr. ----, you belong to a very honest profession?--I can't say so, replied the witness; for, saving you lawyers, I think it the most disho... Quid Pro Quo
A WORTHY Roman Catholic clergyman, well known as Priest Matheson, and universally respected in the district, had charge of a mission in Aberdeenshire, and for a long time made his journeys on a piebald pony, the priest and his Pyet Shelty sharing an... Quiet Theft
A SADDLE being missing at a funeral, it was observed, no wonder that nothing was heard of it, for it is believed to have been stolen by a mute. ... Quin And Charles I
QUIN sometimes said a wise thing. Disputing concerning the execution of Charles I.,--By what laws, said his opponent, was he put to death? Quin replied, By all the laws that he had left them. ... Quin And The Parson
A WELL-BENEFICED old parson having a large company to dinner, entertained them with nothing else but the situation and profits of his parochial livings, which he said he kept entirely to himself. Quin, being one of the party, and observing that the ... Quin's Saying
ON the 30th of January (the martyrdom of King Charles the First), Quin used to say, Every king in Europe would rise with a crick in his neck. ... Quin's Soliloquy On Seeing The Embalmed Body Of Duke
HUMPHREY, AT ST. ALBAN'S. A PLAGUE on Egypt's arts, I say-- Embalm the dead--on senseless clay Rich wine and spices waste: Like sturgeon, or like brawn, shall I, Bound in a precious pickle lie, Which I can neve... Quite Aground
IT is said that poor H---- T---- has been living on his wits. He certainly must be content with very limited premises. ... Quite At Ease
FOOTE, the actor, was one day taken into White's Club-House by a friend who wanted to write a note. Lord Carmarthen approached to speak to him; but feeling rather shy, he merely said, Mr. Foote, your handkerchief is hanging out of your pocket. Foote...