Ready Reckoner
THE Duke of Wellington, when Premier, was the terror of the idlers in
Downing Street. On one occasion when the Treasury clerks told him that
some required mode of making up the accounts was impracticable, they
were met with the curt reply: Never mind, if you can't do it, I'll send
you half-a-dozen pay sergeants that will,--a hint that they did not
fail to take.
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Quite Aground
IT is said that poor H---- T---- has been living on his wits. He certainly must be content with very limited premises. ... Quite At Ease
FOOTE, the actor, was one day taken into White's Club-House by a friend who wanted to write a note. Lord Carmarthen approached to speak to him; but feeling rather shy, he merely said, Mr. Foote, your handkerchief is hanging out of your pocket. Foote... Quite Natural
DID any of you ever see an elephant's skin? asked the master of an ... Quite Perfection
A PAINTER in the Waterloo Road had the following announcement displayed on the front of his house: The Acme of Stencil! A learned Theban in the same line in an adjoining street, in order to outdo the old original stenciller, thus set forth his prete... Quite Poetical
HARRY ERSKINE made a neat remark to Walter Scott after he got his Clerkship of Session. The scheme to bestow it on him had been begun by the Tories, but (most honorably) was completed by the Whigs, and after the fall of the latter, Harry met the new... Quite Professional
A COMEDIAN, who had been almost lifted from his feet by the pressure at the funeral of a celebrated tragedian, ultimately reached the church-door. Having recovered his breath, which had been suspended in the effort, he exclaimed, And so this is the ... Quite True
AVARICE is criminal poverty. ... Rare Virtue
THE paucity of some persons' good actions reminds one of Jonathan Wild, who was once induced to be guilty of a good action, after fully satisfying himself, upon the maturest deliberation, that he could gain nothing by refraining from it. ... Rather A-curate
IT is strange that the Church dignitaries, the further they advance in their profession, become the more incorrigible; at least, before they have gone many steps, they may be said to be past a CURE. ... Rather Ethereal
DR. JOHN WILKINS wrote a work in the reign of Charles II., to show the possibility of making a voyage to the moon. The Duchess of Newcastle, who was likewise notorious for her vagrant speculations, said to him, Doctor, where am I to bait at in the u... Rather Ferocious
AS Burke was declaiming with great animation against Hastings, he was interrupted by little Major Scott. Am I, said he, indignantly, to be teased by the barking of this jackal while I am attacking the royal tiger of Bengal? ... Rather Hard
WE are told that a member for old Sarum (consisting of one large mansion) was once in danger of being pelted with stones; he would have found it hard to have been assailed with his own constituents. ... Rather Saucy
YOU had better ask for manners than money, said a finely-dressed gentleman to a beggar who asked for alms. I asked for what I thought you had the most of, was the cutting reply. ... Rather The Worst Half
ON one occasion a lad, while at home for the holidays, complained to his mother that a schoolfellow who slept with him took up half the bed. And why not? said the mother; he's entitled to half, isn't he!--Yes, mother, rejoined her son; but how would... Ready Reckoner
THE Duke of Wellington, when Premier, was the terror of the idlers in Downing Street. On one occasion when the Treasury clerks told him that some required mode of making up the accounts was impracticable, they were met with the curt reply: Never min... Ready Reply
THE grass-plots in the college courts or quadrangles are not for the unhallowed feet of the under-graduates. Some, however, are hardy enough to venture, in despite of all remonstrance. A master of Trinity had often observed a student of his college ... Ready-made Wood Pavement
WHEN the Marylebone vestrymen were discussing the propriety of laying down wood pavement within their parish, and were raising difficulties on the subject, Jerrold, as he read the report of the discussion, said:-- Difficulties in the way! Absurd. ... Reason For Going To Church
IT was observed of an old citizen that he was the most regular man in London in his attendance at church, and no man in the kingdom was more punctual in his prayers. He has a very good reason for it, replied John Wilkes, for, as he never gave a shil... Reason For Thick Ankles
HARRY, I cannot think, says Dick, What makes my ankles grow so thick. You do not recollect, says Harry, How great a calf they have to carry. ... Reasons For Drinking
DR. ALDRICH, of convivial memory, said there were five reasons for drinking:-- Good wine, a friend, or being dry, Or lest you should be by and by, Or any other reason why. ... Reciprocal Action
A VERY fat man, for the purpose of quizzing his doctor, asked him to prescribe for a complaint, which he declared was sleeping with his mouth open. Sir, said the doctor, your disease is incurable. Your skin is too short, so that when you shut your e... Recruiting Serjeant And Countryman
A RECRUITING serjeant addressing an honest country bumpkin with,--Come, my lad, thou'lt fight for thy King, won't thou?--Voight for my King, answered Hodge, why, has he fawn out wi' ony body? ... Reformation
JUDGE BURNET, son of the famous Bishop of Salisbury, when young, is said to have been of a wild and dissipated turn. Being one day found by the Bishop in a very serious humor, What is the matter with you, Tom? said he, what are you ruminating on?--A... Relations Of Mankind
BY what curious links, and fantastical relations, are mankind connected together! At the distance of half the globe, a Hindoo gains his support by groping at the bottom of the sea for the morbid concretion of a ... Reproof
I CAN'T find bread for my family, said a lazy fellow in company. Nor I, replied an industrious miller; I am obliged to work for it. ... Reputation
REPUTATION is to notoriety what real turtle is to mock. ... Resignation
AN actor, on his benefit night, having a very limited audience, when he came to the often-quoted passage, 'Tis not in mortals to command success, We'll do more, Sempronius--we'll deserve it, heaved a deep sigh, and substituted for the last line, We'... Resting Herself
A LABORER'S daughter, who had been in service from her childhood, would frequently wish to be married, that, as she expressed herself, she might rest her bones. Some time afterwards she got married, and her late mistress meeting her, asked her, Well...