Severe Rebuke
SIR WILLIAM B. being at a parish meeting, made some proposals which were
objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, Sir, said he to the farmer,
do you know that I have been at two universities, and at two colleges
in each university?--Well, sir, replied the farmer, what of that? I
had a calf that sucked two cows, and the observation I made was, the
more he sucked the greater calf he grew.
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Seeing Not Believing
A LADY'S-MAID told her mistress that she once swallowed several pins together. Dear me! said the lady, didn't they kill you? ... Self-applause
SOME persons can neither stir hand nor foot without making it clear they are thinking of themselves, and laying little traps for ... Self-conceit
HAIL, charming power of self-opinion! For none are slaves in thy dominion; Secure in thee, the mind's at ease, The vain have only one to please. ... Self-condemnation
JOSEPH II., emperor of Germany, travelling in his usual way, without his retinue, attended by only a single aide-de-camp, arrived very late at the house of an Englishman, who kept an inn in the Netherlands. After eating a few slices of ham and biscu... Self-condemnation
A COUNTRY gentleman, walking in his garden, saw his gardener asleep in an arbor. What! says the master, asleep, you idle dog, you are not worthy that the sun should shine on you.--I am truly sensible of my unworthiness, answered the man, and therefo... Self-interest
THOSE who wish to tax anything containing intelligence, must be actuated by selfish views, seeing that it is an imposition of which they are not likely to feel the burden. ... Self-knowledge
----, said one of his eulogists, always knows his own mind. We will cede the point, for it amounts to an admission that he knows nothing. ... Sensibility
A KEEN sportsman, who kept harriers, was so vexed when any noise was made while the hounds were at fault, that he rode up to a gentleman who accidentally coughed at such a time, and said, I wish, with all my heart, sir, your cough was better. ... Sent Home Free
A VERY considerate hotel-keeper, advertising his Burton XXXX, concludes the advertisement: N.B. Parties drinking more than four glasses of this potent beverage at one sitting, carefully sent home gratis in a wheelbarrow, if required. ... Sentence Of Death
THE following is a literal copy of a notice served by a worthy inhabitant of Gravesend upon his neighbor, whose fowl had eaten his pig's victuals. SIR,--I have sent to you as Coashon a gences Leting your fouls Coming Eting and destrowing My Pegs ... Sermons In Stones
THE Duke of Wellington having had his windows broken by the mob, continued to have boards before the windows of his house in Piccadilly. Strange that the Duke will not renounce his political errors, said A'Beckett, seeing that no pains have been spa... Servants
IT was an observation of Elwes, the noted miser, that if you keep one servant your work will be done; if you keep two, it will be half done; and if you keep three, you will have to do it yourself. ... Setting Him Up To Knock Him Down
TOM MOORE, observing himself to be eyed by two handsome young ladies, inquired of a friend, who was near enough to hear their remarks, what it was they said of him. Why, the taller one observed that she was delighted to have had the pleasure of seei... Setting Up And Sitting Down
SWIFT was one day in company with a young coxcomb, who, rising from his chair, said, with a conceited and confident air, I would have you to know, Mr. Dean, I set up for a wit.--Do you, indeed, replied the Dean; Then take my advice, and sit down aga... Severe
A LADY asked a sailor whom she met, why a ship was called she. The son of Neptune replied that it was because the rigging cost more than the hull. ... Severe Rebuke
SIR WILLIAM B. being at a parish meeting, made some proposals which were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, Sir, said he to the farmer, do you know that I have been at two universities, and at two colleges in each university?--Well, sir, repli... Shakespeare Illustrated
DIGNUM and Moses Kean the mimic were both tailors. Charles Bannister met them under the Piazza in Covent Garden, arm-in-arm. I never see those men together, said he, but they put me in mind of Shakespeare's comedy, Measure for Measure! ... Shakespearian Grog
AS for the brandy, nothing extenuate,--and the water, put naught in, in malice. ... Shaking Hands
AT a duel the parties discharged their pistols without effect, whereupon one of the seconds interfered, and proposed that the combatants should shake hands. To this the other second objected, as unnecessary,--For, said he, their hands have been shak... Sharp Boy
A MOTHER admonishing her son (a lad about seven years of age), told him he should never defer till to-morrow what he could do to-day. The little urchin replied, Then, mother, let's eat the remainder of the plum-pudding to-night. ... Sharp If Not Pleasant
AN arch boy was feeding a magpie when a gentleman in the neighborhood, who had an impediment in his speech, coming up, said, T-T-T-Tom, can your mag t-t-talk yet?--Ay, sir, says the boy, better than you, or I'd wring his head off. ... Sheridan And Burke
AFTER a very violent speech from an opposition member, Mr. Burke started suddenly from his seat, and rushed to the ministerial side of the house, exclaiming with much vehemence, I quit the camp! I quit the camp!--I hope, said Mr. Sheridan, as the ho... Sheridan Convivial
LORD BYRON notes: What a wreck is Sheridan! and all from bad pilotage; for no one had ever better gales, though now and then a little squally. Poor dear Sherry! I shall never forget the day he, and Rogers, and Moore, and I passed together, when he t... Short And Sharp
WHY, Mr. B., said a tall youth to a little person who was in company with half-a-dozen huge men, I protest you are so very small I did not see you before. Very likely, replied the little gentleman; I am like a sixpence among six copper pennies,--... Short Commons
AT a shop-window in the Strand there appeared the following notice: Wanted, two apprentices, who will be treated as one of the family. ... Short Measure
SOME one wrote in a hotel visitors' book his initials, A.S. A wag wrote underneath, Two-thirds of the truth. ... Short Stories
SIR WALTER SCOTT once stated that he kept a lowland laird waiting for him in the library at Abbotsford, and that when he came in he found the laird deep in a book which Sir Walter perceived to be Johnson's Dictionary. Well, Mr. ----, said Sir Walter... Short-sighted
DEAN COWPER, of Durham, who was very economical of his wine, descanting one day on the extraordinary performance of a man who was blind, remarked, that the poor fellow could see no more than that bottle.--I do not wonder at it at all, sir, replied a... Should Not Silence Give Consent?
A LAIRD of Logan was at a meeting of the heritors of Cumnock, where a proposal was made to erect a new churchyard wall. He met the proposition with the dry remark, I never big dykes till the tenants complain. ... Sign Of Being Cracked
IN a cause respecting a will, evidence was given to prove the testatrix, an apothecary's widow, a lunatic; amongst other things, it was deposed that she had swept a quantity of pots, lotions, potions, &c., into the street as rubbish. I doubt, said t...