Taking His Measure
A CONCEITED packman called at a farm-house in the west of Scotland, in
order to dispose of some of his wares. The goodwife was startled by his
southern accent, and his high talk about York, London, and other big
places. An' whaur come ye frae yersel? was the question of the gude
wife. Ou! I am from the Border!--The Border. Oh! I thocht that; for
we aye think the selvidge is the wakest bit o' the wab!
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Strange Jetsum
A THIN old man, with a rag-bag in his hand, was picking up a number of small pieces of whalebone which lay on the street. The deposit was of such a singular nature, that we asked the quaint-looking gatherer how he supposed they came there. Don't kno... Strange Vespers
A MAN who had a brother, a priest, was asked, Has your brother a living?--No.--How does he employ himself?--He says mass in the morning.--And in the evening?--In the evening he don't know what he says. ... Striking Reproof
IT being reported that Lady Caroline Lamb had, in a moment of passion, knocked down one of her pages with a stool, the poet Moore, to whom this was told by Lord Strangford, observed: Oh! nothing is more natural for a literary lady than to double dow... Subtraction And Addition
A CHIMNEY-SWEEPER'S boy went into a baker's shop for a twopenny loaf, and conceiving it to be diminutive in size, remarked to the baker that he did not believe it was weight. Never mind that, said the man of dough, you will have the less to carry.--... Sudden Freedom
A NATION grown free in a single day is a child born with the limbs and the vigor of a man, who would take a drawn sword for his rattle, and set ... Suggestion
DO you know what made my voice so melodious? said a celebrated vocal performer, of awkward manners, to Charles Bannister. No, replied the other. Why, then, I'll tell you: when I was about fifteen, I swallowed, by accident, some train oil.--I don't t... Suggestive Repudiation
LORD BYRON was once asked by a friend in the green-room of the Drury Lane Theatre, whether he did not think Miss Kelly's acting in the Maid and the Magpie exceedingly natural. I really am no judge, answered his lordship, I was never innocent of stea... Suited To His Subject
THE ballot was, it seems, first proposed in 1795, by Major Cart-wright, who somewhat appropriately wrote a book upon the Common-Wheel. ... Summary Decision
MR. BROUGHAM, when at the bar, opened before Lord Chief Justice Tenterden an action for the amount of a wager laid upon the event of a dog-fight, which, through some unwillingness of dogs or men, had not been brought to an issue. We, my lord, said t... Swearing The Peace
AN Irishman, swearing the peace against his three sons, thus concluded his affidavit: And this deponent further saith, that the only one of his children who showed him any real filial affection was his youngest son Larry, for he never struck him whe... Sweeps
WE feel for climbing boys as much as anybody can do; but what is a climbing boy in a chimney to a full-grown suitor in the Master's office! ... Sydney Smith
SYDNEY SMITH was once dining in company with a French gentleman, who had been before dinner indulging in a number of free-thinking speculations, and had ended by avowing himself a materialist. Very good soup, this, said Mr. Smith. Oui, monsieur, c'e... Sydney Smith Soporific
A LADY complaining to Sydney Smith that she could not sleep,--I can furnish you, he said, with a perfect soporific. I have published two volumes of Sermons; take them up to bed with you. I recommended them once to Blanco White, and before the third ... Take Warning!
A BARRISTER who had retired from practice, said: If any man was to claim the coat upon my back, and threaten my refusal with a lawsuit, he should certainly have it; lest, in defending my coat, I should, too late, find that I was deprived of my waist... Taking A Hint
THE Bishop preached: My friends, said he, How sweet a thing is charity, The choicest gem in virtue's casket! It is, indeed, sighed miser B., And instantly I'll go and--ask it. ... Taking His Measure
A CONCEITED packman called at a farm-house in the west of Scotland, in order to dispose of some of his wares. The goodwife was startled by his southern accent, and his high talk about York, London, and other big places. An' whaur come ye frae yersel... Tall And Short
AT an evening party, Jerrold was looking at the dancers. Seeing a very tall gentleman waltzing with a remarkably short lady, he said to a friend at hand, Humph! there's the mile dancing with the mile-stone. ... Tell It Not In England
LADY CARTERET, wife of the Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland, in Swift's time, one day said to the wit, The air of this country is very good.--Don't say so in England, my lady, quickly replied the dean, for if you do they will certainly tax it. ... Telling One's Age
A LADY, complaining how rapidly time stole away, said: Alas! I am near thirty. A doctor, who was present, and knew her age, said: Do not fret at it, madam; for you will get further from that frightful epoch every day. ... Temperance Cruets
THE late James Smith might often be seen at the Garrick Club, restricting himself at dinner to a half-pint of sherry; whence he was designated an incorporated temperance society. The late Sir William Aylett, a grumbling member of the Union, and a tw... The Abbey Church At Bath
THESE walls, so full of monuments and bust, Show how Bath waters serve to lay the dust. ... The Aged Young Lady
AN old lady, being desirous to be thought younger than she was, said that she was but forty years old. A student who sat near observed, that it must be quite true, for he had heard her repeat the same for the last ten years. MLXXXVI--KE... The Amende Honorable
QUOTH Will, On that young servant-maid My heart its life-string stakes. Quite safe! cries Dick, don't be afraid, She pays for all she breaks. ... The Anglo-french Alliance
JERROLD was in France, and with a Frenchman who was enthusiastic on the subject of the Anglo-French alliance. He said that he was proud to see the English and French such good friends at last. Tut! the best thing I know between France and England is... The Angry Ocean
MOTHER, this book tells about the angry waves of the ocean. Now, what makes the ocean get angry?--Because it has been crossed so often, my son. ... The Best Judge
A LADY said to her husband, in Jerrold's presence:-- My dear, you certainly want some new trousers.--No, I think not, replied the husband. Well, Jerrold interposed, I think the lady who always wears them ought to know. ... The Best Wine
SHERIDAN being asked what wine he liked best, replied, The wine of other people. ... The Birth Of A Prince
JERROLD was at a party when the Park guns announced the birth of a prince. How they do powder these babies! Jerrold exclaimed. ... The Bishop And His Portmanteau
THE other day, a certain bishop lost his portmanteau. The circumstance has given rise to the following:-- I have lost my portmanteau-- I pity your grief; It contained all my sermons-- I pity the thief. ... The Candle And Lantern
DURING the period Sir Busick Harwood was Professor of Anatomy in the University of Cambridge, he was called in, in a case of some difficulty, by the friends of a patient, who were anxious for his opinion of the malady. Being told the name of the med...