The Intruder Rebuked
JERROLD and some friends were dining in a private room at a tavern.
After dinner the landlord informed the company that the house was partly
under repair, and requested that a stranger might be allowed to take a
chop at a separate table in the apartment. The company assented, and the
stranger, a person of commonplace appearance, was introduced, ate his
chop in silence, and then fell asleep, snoring so loudly and
inharmoniously that conversation was disturbed. Some gentlemen of the
party made a noise, and the stranger, starting from his sleep, shouted
to Jerrold, I know you, Mr. Jerrold; but you shall not make a butt of
me!--Then don't bring your hog's head in here, was the prompt
reply.
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The Debt Paid
TO John I owed great obligation; But John, unhappily, thought fit To publish it to all the nation: Sure John and I am more than quit. ... The Devil's Own
AT a review of the volunteers, when the half-drowned heroes were defiling by all the best ways, the Devil's Own walked straight through. This being reported to Lord B----, he remarked, that the lawyers always went through thick and thin. ... The Direct Road
WALKING to his club one evening with a friend, some intoxicated young gentleman reeled up to Douglas Jerrold, and said: Can you tell us the way to the 'Judge and Jury?' (a place of low entertainment). Keep on as you are, young gentleman, was the rep... The Doctrine Of Chances
LORD KAMES used to relate a story of a man who claimed the honor of his acquaintance on rather singular grounds. His lordship, when one of the justiciary judges, returning from the north circuit to Perth, happened one night to sleep at Dunkeld. The ... The Dog Tax
BROWN drops in. Brown is said to be the toady of Jones. When Jones has the influenza, Brown dutifully catches cold in the head. Douglas Jerrold remarked to Brown, Have you heard the rumor that's flying about town?--No.--Well, they say that Jones pay... The Doubt Explained
A MAN with a very short nose was continually ridiculing another, whose nose was remarkably long. The latter said to him one day, You are always making observations upon my nose; perhaps you think it was made at the expense of yours. ... The Duke Of Wellington And The Aurist
ON one occasion the Duke's deafness was alluded to by Lady A----, who asked if she was sitting on his right side, and if he had benefited by the operations which she heard had been performed, and had been so painful to him. He said, in reply, that t... The Empty Gun
AS Dick and Tom in fierce dispute engage, And, face to face, the noisy contest wage; Don't cock your chin at me, Dick smartly cries. Fear not--his head's not charged, a friend replies. ... The Fire Of London
ONE speaking of the fire of London, said, Cannon Street roared, Bread Street was burnt to a crust, Crooked Lane was burnt straight, Addle Hill staggered, Creed Lane would not believe it till it came, Distaff Lane had sprung a fine thread, Ironmonger... The Fool Or Knave
THY praise or dispraise is to me alike; One doth not stroke me, nor the other strike. ... The Force Of Habit
A TOPING bookseller presented a check at the banking-house of Sir W. Curtis and Co., and upon the cashier putting the usual question, How will you have it? replied, Cold, without sugar. ... The Force Of Satire
JACOB JOHNSON, the publisher, having refused to advance Dryden a sum of money for a work upon which he was engaged, the incensed bard sent a message to him, and the following lines, adding, Tell the dog that he who wrote these can write more:-- ... The Gentleman Has Brought Us The _knife_ But
where is the fork? ... The Gouty Shoe
JAMES SMITH used to tell, with great glee, a story showing the general conviction of his dislike to ruralities. He was sitting in the library at a country-house, when a gentleman proposed a quiet stroll in the pleasure-grounds:-- Stroll! why, don... The Grandson
HORACE WALPOLE, on one occasion observed that there had existed the same indecision, irresolution, and want of system in the politics of Queen Anne, as at the time he spoke, under the reign of George the Third. But, added he, there is nothing new un... The Honest Man's Litany
FROM a wife of small fortune, but yet very proud, Who values herself on her family's blood: Who seldom talks sense, but for ever is loud, Libera me! From living i' th' parish that has an... The Hopeful Pupil
WHEN the comedy of She Stoops to Conquer was in rehearsal, Goldsmith took great pains to give the performers his ideas of their several parts. On the first representation he was not a little displeased to hear the representative of Young Marlow play... The Humane Society At An Evening Party
AT an evening party, a very elderly lady was dancing with a young partner. A stranger approached Jerrold, who was looking on, and said,-- Pray, sir, can you tell me who is the young gentleman dancing with that very elderly lady! One of the Huma... The Intruder Rebuked
JERROLD and some friends were dining in a private room at a tavern. After dinner the landlord informed the company that the house was partly under repair, and requested that a stranger might be allowed to take a chop at a separate table in the apart... The Iron Duke
IT is said the Duke of Wellington bought a book of the Hunchback at Covent Garden Theatre, for which he gave a pound in gold, refusing to receive the difference. His Grace seemed very ready to sacrifice a sovereign, which he probably would have done... The Jest Of Ancestry
LORD CHESTERFIELD placed among the portraits of his ancestors two old heads, inscribed Adam de Stanhope, and Eve de Stanhope: the ridicule is admirable. Old Peter Leneve, the herald, who thought ridicule consisted in not being of an old family, m... The Lame Beggar
I AM unable, yonder beggar cries, To stand or move. If he says true, he lies. ... The Last War
MR. PITT, speaking in the House of Commons of the glorious war which preceded the disastrous one in which we lost the colonies, called it the last war. Several members cried out, The last war but one. He took no notice; and soon after, repeating the... The Late Lord Audley
MR. PHILIP THICKNESSE, father of the late Lord Audley, being in want of money, applied to his son for assistance. This being denied, he immediately hired a cobbler's stall, directly opposite his lordship's house, and put up a board, on which was ins... The Late Mr Collins
COLLINS the poet, coming into a town the day after a young lady, of whom he was fond, had left it, said, how unlucky he was that he had come a day after the fair. ... The Latin For Cold
A SCHOOLMASTER asked one of his scholars in the winter time, what was the Latin for cold. O sir, answered the lad, I forget at this moment, although I have it at my fingers' ends. ... The Letter C
CURIOUS coincidences respecting the letter C, as connected with the Princess Charlotte, daughter of George IV.:--Her mother's name was Caroline, her own name was Charlotte; that of her consort Cobourg; she was married at Carlton House; her town resi... The Letter H
SIR JAMES SCARLETT, when at the Bar, had to cross-examine a witness whose evidence it was thought would be very damaging, unless he could be bothered a little, and his only vulnerable point was said to be his self-esteem. The witness presented himse... The Letter H
IN a dispute, whether the letter H was really a letter or a simple aspiration, Rowland Hill contended that it was the former; adding that, if it were not a letter, it must have been a very serious affair to him, by making him ill (Hill without H) al... The Light Subject
THE government, having threatened to proceed rigorously against those who refused to pay the assessed taxes, offered to them a remission of one fourth. This at least, said a sufferer, may be called, giving them some quarter. ... The Majesty Of Mud
DURING the rage of republican principles in England, and whilst the Corresponding Society was in full vigor, Mr. Selwyn one May-day met a troop of chimney-sweepers, dressed out in all their gaudy trappings; and observed to Mr. Fox, who was walking w... The Measure Of A Brain
ONE afternoon, when Jerrold was in his garden at Putney, enjoying a glass of claret, a friend called upon him. The conversation ran on a certain dull fellow, whose wealth made him prominent at that time. Yes, said Jerrold, drawing his finger round... The Medicine Must Be Of Use
SARAH, Duchess of Marlborough, once pressing the duke to take a medicine, with her usual warmth said, I'll be hanged if it do not prove serviceable. Dr. Garth, who was present, exclaimed, Do take it, then, my lord duke, for it must be of service one... The Mixture As Before
A GENTLEMAN who had an Irish servant, having stopped at an inn for several days, desired to have a bill, and found a large quantity of port placed to his servant's account, and questioned him about it. Please your honor, cried Pat, do read how many ... The Money-borrower Deceived
A YOUTH had borrowed a hundred pounds of a very rich friend, who had concluded that he should never see them again. He was mistaken, for the youth returned him the money. Some time after, the youth came again to borrow, but was refused. No, sir, sai... The One Thing Wanting
IN a small party, the subject turning on matrimony, a lady said to her sister, I wonder, my dear, you have never made a match; I think you want the brimstone;--she replied, No, not the brimstone, only the spark. ...