The Time Out Of Joint
SOME one who had been down in Lord Kenyon's kitchen, remarked that he
saw the spit shining as bright as if it had never been used. Why do you
mention his spit? said Jekyll; you must know that nothing turns upon
that. In reference to the same noble lord, Jekyll observed, It was
Lent all the year round in the kitchen, and Passion week in the
parlor.
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The Ruling Passion Strong In Death
A DYING miser sent for his solicitor, and said, Now begin, and I will dictate particulars.--I give and I bequeath, commenced the man of law. No, no, interrupted the testator; I do nothing of the kind; I will never give or bequeath anything: I cannot... The Saddle On The Right Horse
AS a man who, deeply involved in debt, was walking in the street with a very melancholy air, one of his acquaintance asked him why he was so sorrowful. Alas! said he, I am in a state of insolvency.--Well, said his friend, if that is the case, it is ... The Safe Side
DURING the riots of 1780, most persons in London, in order to save their houses from being burnt or pulled down, wrote on their doors, No Popery! Old Grimaldi, the father of the celebrated Joey, to avoid all mistakes, wrote on his, No Religion! ... The Salic Law
IS a most sensible and valuable law, banishing gallantry and chivalry from Cabinets, and preventing the amiable antics of grave statesmen. ... The Scold's Vocabulary
THE copiousness of the English language perhaps was never more apparent than in the following character, by a lady, of her own husband:-- He is, says she, an abhorred, barbarous, capricious, detestable, envious, fastidious, hard-hearted, illiberal... The Season-ings
COME here, Johnny, and tell me what the four seasons are. Young Prodigy: Pepper, salt, mustard, and vinegar. ... The Snuff-box
AT a party in Portman Square, Brummell's snuff-box was particularly admired: it was handed round, and a gentleman, finding it rather difficult to open, incautiously applied a dessert-knife to the lid. Poor Brummell was on thorns; at last he could no... The Specific Gravity Of Folly
COLERIDGE once dined in company with a grave-looking person, an admirable listener, who said nothing, but smiled and nodded, and thus impressed the poet with an idea of his intelligence. That man is a philosopher, thought Coleridge. At length, towar... The Spirit And The Letter
A MAN was described in a plea as I. Jones, and the pleader referred in another part of the plea to I as an initial. The plaintiff said that the plea was bad, because I was not a name. Sir W. Maule said that there was no reason why a man might not be... The Staffordshire Collieries
MANY anecdotes might be collected to show the great difficulty of discovering a person in the collieries without being in possession of his nickname. The following was received from a respectable attorney. During his clerkship he was sent to serve s... The Sun In His Eye
LORD PLUNKETT had a son in the Church at the time the Tithe Corporation Act was passed, and warmly supported the measure. Some one observed, I wonder how it is that so sensible a man as Plunkett cannot see the imperfections in the Tithe Corporation ... The Superiority Of Machinery
A MECHANIC his labor will often discard, If the rate of his pay he dislikes: But a clock--and its case is uncommonly hard-- Will continue to work though it strikes! ... The Sword And The Scabbard
A WAG, on seeing his friend with something under his cloak, asked him what it was. A poniard, answered he; but he observed that it was a bottle: taking it from him, and drinking the contents, he returned it, saying, There, I give you the scabbard ba... The Tanner; An Epigram
A BERMONDSEY tanner would often engage, In a long tete-a-tete with his dame, While trotting to town in the Kennington stage, About giving their villa a name. A neighbor, thus hearing the skin-dresser talk, Stole out, ... The Time Out Of Joint
SOME one who had been down in Lord Kenyon's kitchen, remarked that he saw the spit shining as bright as if it had never been used. Why do you mention his spit? said Jekyll; you must know that nothing turns upon that. In reference to the same noble l... The Timidity Of Beauty
IT'S a great comfort for timid men, that beauty, like the elephant, doesn't know its strength. Otherwise, how it would trample upon us!--D.J. ... The Truth At Last
A GOOD instance of absence of mind was an editor quoting from a rival paper one of his own articles, and heading it, Wretched Attempt at Wit. ... The Truth By Accident
ONE communion Sabbath, the precentor observed the noble family of ---- approaching the tables, and likely to be kept out by those pressing in before them. Being very zealous for their accommodation, he called out to an individual whom he considered ... The Two Smiths
A GENTLEMAN, with the same Christian and surname, took lodgings in the same house with James Smith. The consequence was, eternal confusion of calls and letters. Indeed, the postman had no alternative but to share the letters equally between the two.... The Way To Kew
HOOK, in the supposed character of Gower-street undergraduate, says: One problem was given me to work which I did in a twinkling. Given C A B to find Q. Answer: Take your C A B through Hammersmith, turn to the left just before you come to Brentford,... The Wheel Of Fortune
JEKYLL saw in Colman's chambers a squirrel in the usual round cage. Ah! poor devil, said Jekyll, he's going the Home Circuit. ... The Wide Wide Sea
HOOD says that, A Quaker loves the ocean for its broad brim. ... The Will
JERRY dying intestate, his relatives claimed, Whilst his widow most vilely his mem'ry defam'd: What! cries she, must I suffer because the old knave Without leaving a will, is laid snug in the grave? That's no wonder, says one, f... The Woolsack
COLMAN and Banister dining one day with Lord Erskine, the ex-Chancellor, amongst other things, observed that he had then about three thousand head of sheep. I perceive, interrupted Colman, your lordship has still an eye to the woolsack. ... The Worst Of All Crimes
AN old offender being asked whether he had committed all the crimes laid to his charge, answered, I have done still worse! I suffered myself to be apprehended. ... The Worst Of Two Evils
VILLIERS, Duke of Buckingham, in King Charles II.'s time, was saying one day to Sir Robert Viner, in a melancholy humor: I am afraid, Sir Robert, I shall die a beggar at last, which is the most terrible thing in the world.--Upon my word, my lord, sa... The Wrong Leg
MATHEWS being invited by D'Egville to dine one day with him at Brighton, D'Egville inquired what was Mathews's favorite dish? A roasted leg of pork, with sage and onions. This was provided; and D'Egville, carving, could not find the stuffing. He tur... The Young Idea
SCHOOLMISTRESS (pointing to the first letter of the alphabet): Come, now, what is that? Scholar: I sha'n't tell you. Schoolmistress: You won't! But you must. Come, now, what is it? Scholar: I sha'n't tell you. I didn't come here to teach you,--but f...