Time Works Wonders
A GENTLEMAN dining at a hotel, whose servants were few and far
between, despatched a lad among them for a cut of beef. After a long
time the lad returned, and was asked by the faint and hungry gentleman,
Are you the lad who took away my plate for this beef?--Yes,
sir.--Bless me, resumed the hungry wit, how you have grown!
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The Young Idea
SCHOOLMISTRESS (pointing to the first letter of the alphabet): Come, now, what is that? Scholar: I sha'n't tell you. Schoolmistress: You won't! But you must. Come, now, what is it? Scholar: I sha'n't tell you. I didn't come here to teach you,--but f... The Zodiac Club
ON the occasion of starting a convivial club, somebody proposed that it should consist of twelve members, and be called The Zodiac, each member to be named after a sign. And what shall I be? inquired a somewhat solemn man, who was afraid that his... Theatrical Mistakes
A LAUGHABLE blunder was made by Mrs. Gibbs, at Covent Garden Theatre, in the season of 1823, in the part of Miss Stirling, in The Clandestine Marriage. When speaking of the conduct of Betty, who had locked the door of Miss Fanny's room, and walked a... Theatrical Purgations
A DRAMATIC author once observed that he knew nothing so terrible as reading his piece before a critical audience. I know but one more terrible, said Compton, the actor, to be obliged to sit and hear it. ... Theatrical Wit
HATTON, who was a considerable favorite at the Haymarket Theatre, and particularly in the part of Jack Junk, was one night at Gosport, performing the character of Barbarossa. In the scene where the tyrant makes love to Zapphira, and reminds her of h... Thereby Hangs Etc
A CERTAIN Irish judge, called the Hanging Judge, and who had never been known to shed a tear except when Macheath, in the Beggar's Opera, got his reprieve, once said to Curran, Pray, Mr. Curran, is that hung beef beside you? If it is, I will try it.... Things By Their Right Names
IF by their names we things should call, It surely would be properer, To term a singing piece a bawl, A dancing piece a hopperer! ... Three Causes
THREE gentlemen being in a coffee-house, one called for a dram, because he was hot. Bring me another, says his companion, because I am cold. The third, who sat by and heard them, very quietly called out, Here, boy, bring me a glass, because I like i... Three Degrees Of Comparison
A LADY, proud of her rank and title, once compared the three classes of people, nobility, gentry, and commonalty, to china, delf, and crockery. A few minutes elapsed, when one of the company expressed a wish to see the lady's little girl, who, it wa... Three Ends To A Rope
A LAD applied to the captain of a vessel for a berth; the captain, wishing to intimidate him, handed him a piece of rope, and said, If you want to make a good sailor, you must make three ends to the rope.--I can do it, he readily replied; here is on... Three Touchstones
AN ancient sage uttered the following apothegm:--The goodness of gold is tried by fire, the goodness of women by gold, and the goodness of men by the ordeal of women. ... Throw Physic To The Dogs!
WHEN the celebrated Beau Nash was ill, Dr. Cheyne wrote a prescription for him. The next day the doctor, coming to see his patient, inquired if he had followed his prescription: No, truly, doctor, said Nash; if I had I should have broken my neck for... Thurlow And Pitt
WHEN the Lord Chancellor Thurlow was supposed to be on no very friendly terms with the Minister (Mr. Pitt), a friend asked the latter how Thurlow drew with them. I don't know, said the Premier, how he draws, but he has not refused his oats yet. ... Tillotson
WHO was then Archbishop of Canterbury, on King William's complaining of the shortness of his sermon, answered, Sire, could I have bestowed more time upon it, it would not have been so long! ... Time Works Wonders
A GENTLEMAN dining at a hotel, whose servants were few and far between, despatched a lad among them for a cut of beef. After a long time the lad returned, and was asked by the faint and hungry gentleman, Are you the lad who took away my plate for th... Timely Aid
A LADY was followed by a beggar, who very importunately asked her for alms. She refused him; when he quitted her, saying, with a profound sigh, Yet the alms I asked you for would have prevented me executing my present resolution! The lady was alarme... Timely Flattery
A GENTLEMAN was asked by Mrs. Woffington, what difference there was between her and her watch; to which he instantly replied, Your watch, madam, makes us remember the hours, and you make us forget them. ... To Lady Mount E On The Death Of A Favorite Pig
O DRY that tear so round and big, Nor waste in sighs your precious wind; Death only takes a single pig-- Your lord and son are still behind. ... To The Coming Man
SMART waiter, be contented with thy state, The world is his who best knows how to wait. ... Too Civil
MACKLIN one night sitting at the back of the front boxes, with a gentleman of his acquaintance, an underbred lounger stood up immediately before him, and covered the sight of the stage entirely from him. Macklin patted him gently on the shoulder wit... Too Civil By Half
AN Irish judge had a habit of begging pardon on every occasion. At the close of the assize, as he was about to leave the bench, the officer of the Court reminded him that he had not passed sentence of death on one of the criminals, as he had intende... Too Clever
A COUNTRY boy endeavored, to the utmost of his power, to make himself useful, and avoid being frequently told of many trifling things, as country lads generally are. His master having sent him down stairs for two bottles of wine, he said to him, Wel... Too Cold To Change
A LADY reproving a gentleman during a hard frost for swearing, advised him to leave it off, saying it was a very bad habit. Very true, madam, answered he, but at present it is too cold to think of parting with any habit, be it ever so bad. ... Too Fast
TWO travellers were robbed in a wood, and tied to trees. One of them in despair exclaimed, O, I am undone!--Are you? said the other joyfully; then I wish you'd come and undo me. ... Too Good
A PHYSICIAN, much attached to his profession, during his attendance on a man of letters, observing that the patient was very punctual in taking all his medicines, exclaimed in the pride of his heart: Ah! my dear sir, you deserve to be ill. ... Too Grateful
AFTER O'Connell had obtained the acquittal of a horse-stealer, the thief, in the ecstasy of his gratitude, cried out, Och, counsellor, I've no way here to thank your honor; but I wish't I saw you knocked down in me own parish,--wouldn't I bring a fa... Too Liberal
A WRITER in one of the Reviews was boasting that he was in the habit of distributing literary reputation. Yes, replied his friend, and you have done it so profusely that you have left none for yourself. ... Too Many Cooks
ELWES, the noted miser, used to say, If you keep one servant, your work is done; if you keep two, it is half done; and if you keep three, you may do it yourself. ...