Too Much And Too Little
TWO friends meeting after an absence of some years, during which time
the one had increased considerably in bulk, and the other still
resembled only the effigy of a man,--said the stout gentleman, Why,
Dick, you look as if you had not had a dinner since I saw you
last.--And you, replied the other, look as if you had been at
dinner ever since.
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Time Works Wonders
A GENTLEMAN dining at a hotel, whose servants were few and far between, despatched a lad among them for a cut of beef. After a long time the lad returned, and was asked by the faint and hungry gentleman, Are you the lad who took away my plate for th... Timely Aid
A LADY was followed by a beggar, who very importunately asked her for alms. She refused him; when he quitted her, saying, with a profound sigh, Yet the alms I asked you for would have prevented me executing my present resolution! The lady was alarme... Timely Flattery
A GENTLEMAN was asked by Mrs. Woffington, what difference there was between her and her watch; to which he instantly replied, Your watch, madam, makes us remember the hours, and you make us forget them. ... To Lady Mount E On The Death Of A Favorite Pig
O DRY that tear so round and big, Nor waste in sighs your precious wind; Death only takes a single pig-- Your lord and son are still behind. ... To The Coming Man
SMART waiter, be contented with thy state, The world is his who best knows how to wait. ... Too Civil
MACKLIN one night sitting at the back of the front boxes, with a gentleman of his acquaintance, an underbred lounger stood up immediately before him, and covered the sight of the stage entirely from him. Macklin patted him gently on the shoulder wit... Too Civil By Half
AN Irish judge had a habit of begging pardon on every occasion. At the close of the assize, as he was about to leave the bench, the officer of the Court reminded him that he had not passed sentence of death on one of the criminals, as he had intende... Too Clever
A COUNTRY boy endeavored, to the utmost of his power, to make himself useful, and avoid being frequently told of many trifling things, as country lads generally are. His master having sent him down stairs for two bottles of wine, he said to him, Wel... Too Cold To Change
A LADY reproving a gentleman during a hard frost for swearing, advised him to leave it off, saying it was a very bad habit. Very true, madam, answered he, but at present it is too cold to think of parting with any habit, be it ever so bad. ... Too Fast
TWO travellers were robbed in a wood, and tied to trees. One of them in despair exclaimed, O, I am undone!--Are you? said the other joyfully; then I wish you'd come and undo me. ... Too Good
A PHYSICIAN, much attached to his profession, during his attendance on a man of letters, observing that the patient was very punctual in taking all his medicines, exclaimed in the pride of his heart: Ah! my dear sir, you deserve to be ill. ... Too Grateful
AFTER O'Connell had obtained the acquittal of a horse-stealer, the thief, in the ecstasy of his gratitude, cried out, Och, counsellor, I've no way here to thank your honor; but I wish't I saw you knocked down in me own parish,--wouldn't I bring a fa... Too Liberal
A WRITER in one of the Reviews was boasting that he was in the habit of distributing literary reputation. Yes, replied his friend, and you have done it so profusely that you have left none for yourself. ... Too Many Cooks
ELWES, the noted miser, used to say, If you keep one servant, your work is done; if you keep two, it is half done; and if you keep three, you may do it yourself. ... Too Much And Too Little
TWO friends meeting after an absence of some years, during which time the one had increased considerably in bulk, and the other still resembled only the effigy of a man,--said the stout gentleman, Why, Dick, you look as if you had not had a dinner s... Too Much At Once
LORD CHESTERFIELD one day, at an inn where he dined, complained very much that the plates and dishes were very dirty. The waiter, with a degree of pertness, observed, It is said every one must eat a peck of dirt before he dies.--That may be true, sa... Too Much Of A Bad Thing
ENGLISH tourists in Ireland soon discover that the length of Irish miles constantly recurs to their observation; eleven Irish miles being equal to about fourteen English. A stranger one day complained of the barbarous condition of the road in a part... Top And Bottom
THE following playful colloquy in verse took place at a dinner-table between Sir George Rose and James Smith, in allusion to Craven Street, Strand, where he resided:-- J.S.--At the top of the street ten attorneys find place, ... Tory Liberality
A CERTAIN anti-illuminating marquis, since the memorable night of the passing of the Reform Bill, has constantly kept open house, at least, so we are informed by a person who lately looked in at his windows. ... Touching
WHEN Lord Eldon resigned the Great Seal, a small barrister said, To me his loss is irreparable. Lord Eldon always behaved to me like a father.--Yes, remarked Brougham, I understand he always treated you like a child. ... Trade Against Land
WHEN the late Mr. Whitbread's father, the brewer, first opposed the Duke of Bedford's interest at Bedford, the Duke informed him that he would spend L50,000 rather than he should come in. Whitbread, with true English spirit, replied, that was nothin... Tragedy Ms
LISTON, seeing a parcel lying on the table in the entrance-hall of Drury Lane Theatre, one side of which, from its having travelled to town by the side of some game, was smeared with blood, observed, That parcel contains a manuscript tragedy. And on... Transposing A Compliment
IT was said of a work (which had been inspected by a severe critic), in terms which at first appeared very flattering, There is a great deal in this book which is new, and a great deal that is true. So far good, the author would think; but then came... Travellers See Strange Things
A TRAVELLER, when asked whether, in his youth, he had gone through Euclid, was not quite sure, but he thought it was a small village between Wigan and Preston. ... Trophies
A FRENCH nobleman once showing Matthew Prior the palace of his master at Versailles, and desiring him to observe the many trophies of Louis the Fourteenth's victories, asked Prior if King William, his master, had many such trophies in his palace. No... True And False
A BEGGAR asking alms under the name of a poor scholar, a gentleman to whom he applied himself, asked him a question in, Latin. The fellow, shaking his head, said he did not understand him. Why, said the gentleman, did you not say you were a poor sch... True Criticism
A GENTLEMAN being prevailed upon to taste a lady's home-made wine, was asked for an opinion of what he had tasted. I always give a candid one, said her guest, where eating and drinking are concerned. It is admirable stuff to catch flies. ... True Dignity
P---- had a high respect for the literary character. At a great man's house a stranger stopped that P---- might enter the room before him. Pass, sir, said the master of the house, it is only Mr. P----, the author.--As my rank is mentioned, cried P.,...