Where Is The Audience?
THE manager of a country theatre looked into the house between the acts,
and turned with a face of dismay to the prompter, with the question of,
Why, good gracious, where's the audience?--Sir, replied the
prompter, without moving a muscle, he is just now gone to get some
beer. The manager wiped the perspiration from his brow and said, Will
he return do you think?--Most certainly; he expresses himself highly
satisfied with the play, and applauded as one man.--Then let business
proceed, exclaimed the manager, proudly; and it did proceed.
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Way Of Using Books
STERNE used to say, The most accomplished way of using books is to serve them as some people do lords, learn their titles and then brag of their acquaintance. ... Wearing Away
A SCHOOLMASTER said of himself: I am like a hone, I sharpen a number of blades, but I wear myself in doing it. ... Well Matched
DR. BUSBY, whose figure was beneath the common size, was one day accosted in a public coffee-room by an Irish baronet of colossal stature, with, May I pass to my seat, O Giant? When the doctor, politely making way, replied, Pass, O Pigmy!--O, sir, s... Well Said
A GENTLEMAN, speaking of the happiness of the married state before his daughter, disparagingly said, She who marries, does well; but she who does not marry, does better.--Well then, said the young lady, I will do well; let those who choose do better... Well Turned
ON the formation of the Grenville administration, Bushe, who had the reputation of a waverer, apologized one day for his absence from court, on the ground that he was cabinet-making. The chancellor maliciously disclosed the excuse on his return. O, ... Well-bred Horse
HOW does your new-purchased horse answer? said the late Duke of Cumberland to George Selwyn. I really don't know, replied George, for I never asked him a question. ... Wellington Surprised
A NOBLEMAN ventured, in a moment of conviviality at his grace's table, to put this question to him: Allow me to ask, as we are all here titled, if you were not SURPRISED at Waterloo? To which the duke responded, No; but I am NOW. ... Welsh Wig-ging
AN Englishman and a Welshman, disputing in whose country was the best living, said the Welshman, There is such noble housekeeping in Wales, that I have known above a dozen cooks employed at one wedding dinner.--Ay, answered the Englishman, that was ... Wet And Dry
DR. MACKNIGHT, who was a better commentator than preacher, having been caught in a shower of rain, entered the vestry soaked with wet. As the time drew on for divine service he became much distressed, and ejaculated over and over, O, I wish that I w... What Everybody Does
HOPKINS once lent Simpson, his next door neighbor, an umbrella, and having an urgent call to make on a wet day, knocked at Simpson's door. I want my umbrella.--Can't have it, said Simpson. Why? I want to go to the East End, and it rains in torrents;... What Is An Archdeacon?
LORD ALTHORP, when Chancellor of the Exchequer, having to propose to the House of Commons a vote of L400 a year for the salary of the Archdeacon of Bengal, was puzzled by a question from Mr. Hume, What are the duties of an archdeacon? So he sent one... What's A Hat Without A Head?
CAPTAIN INNES of the Guards (usually called Jock Innes by his contemporaries) was with others getting ready for Flushing, or some of those expeditions at the beginning of the great war. His commanding officer remonstrated about the badness of his ha... What's Going On?
A VERY prosy gentleman, who was in the habit of waylaying Jerrold, met his victim, and, planting himself in the way, said, Well, Jerrold, what is going on to-day? Jerrold said, darting past the inquirer, I am! ... What's In A Name?
SOON after Lord ----'s elevation to the peerage, he remarked that authors were often very ridiculous in the titles they gave. That, said a distinguished writer present, is an error from which even sovereigns appear not to be exempt. ... What's In A Syllable?
LONGFELLOW, the poet, was introduced to one Longworth, and some one noticed the similarity of the first syllable of the names. Yes, said the poet, but in this case I fear Pope's line will apply,--'Worth makes the man, the want of it the fellow.' ... What's My Thought Like?
Quest. WHY is a pump like Viscount Castlereagh? Ans. Because it is a slender thing of wood, That up and down its awkward arm doth sway, And coolly shout, and spout, and spout away, In one weak, washy, everla... Where Is The Audience?
THE manager of a country theatre looked into the house between the acts, and turned with a face of dismay to the prompter, with the question of, Why, good gracious, where's the audience?--Sir, replied the prompter, without moving a muscle, he is jus... Where It Came From
A LADY, whose fondness for generous living had given her a flushed face and rubicund nose, consulted Dr. Cheyne. Upon surveying herself in the glass, she exclaimed, Where in the name of wonder, doctor, did I get such a nose as this?--Out of the deca... Whig And Tory
WHIG and Tory scratch and bite, Just as hungry dogs we see; Toss a bone 'twixt two, they fight; Throw a couple, they agree. ... Whist
MRS. BRAY relates the following of a Devonshire physician, happily named Vial, who was a desperate lover of whist. One evening in the midst of a deal, the doctor fell off his chair in a fit. Consternation seized on the company. Was he alive or dead?... Whist-playing
CHARLES LAMB said once to a brother whist-player, who was a hand more clever than clean, and who had enough in him to afford the joke: M., if dirt were trumps, what hands you would hold! ... Whitbread's Entire
ON the approach of the election at Westminster, when Earl Percy was returned, Mr. Denis O'Brien, the agent of Mr. Sheridan, said, that there were thousands in Westminster who would sooner vote for the Duke of Northumberland's porter, than give their... White Hands
IN a country market a lady, laying her hand upon a joint of veal, said, Mr. Smallbone, I think this veal is not quite so white as usual.--Put on your gloves, madam, replied the butcher, and you will think differently. The lady did so, and the veal w... White Teeth
PROFESSOR SAUNDERSON, who occupied so distinguished a situation in the University of Cambridge as that of Lucasian Professor of Mathematics, was quite blind. Happening to make one in a large party, he remarked of a lady, who had just left the room, ... Who's The Fool?
MR. SERGEANT PARRY, in illustration of a case, told the following anecdote:-- Some merchants went to an Eastern sovereign, and exhibited for sale several very fine horses. The king admired them, and bought them; he, moreover, gave the merchants a... Who's To Blame
KING JAMES used to say, that he never knew a modest man make his way in a court. As he was repeating this expression one day, a David Floyd, who was then in waiting at his Majesty's elbow, replied bluntly, Pray, sir, whose fault is that! The king st... Whose?
SYDNEY SMITH being ill, his physician advised him to take a walk upon an empty stomach.--Upon whose? said he. ... Why Are Women Beardless?
HOW wisely Nature, ordering all below, Forbade a beard on woman's chin to grow, For how could she be shaved (whate'er the skill) Whose tongue would never let her chin be still! ... Why Master Of The House
A TRAVELLER coming up to an inn door, said: Pray, friend, are you the master of this house?--Yes, sir, answered Boniface, my wife has been dead these three weeks. ... Wignell The Actor
ONE of old Mr. Sheridan's favorite characters was Cato: and on its revival at Covent Garden Theatre, a Mr. Wignell assumed his old-established part of Portius; and having stepped forward with a prodigious though accustomed strut, began:-- The... Wilkes And A Liberty
SO ungrateful was the sound of Wilkes and No. 45 (the famous number of the North Briton) to George III., that about 1772, George IV., then a mere boy, having been chid for some fault, and wishing to take his boyish revenge, stole to the king's apart... Wilkes And Liberty
WHEN Wilkes was in France, and at Court, Madame Pompador addressed him thus: You Englishmen are fine fellows; pray how far may a man go in his abuse of the Royal family among you?--I do not at present know, replied he, dryly, but I am trying. ...