ADDRESSES
In a large store a child, pointing to a shopper exclaimed, "Oh, mother,
that lady lives the same place we do. I just heard her say, 'Send it up
C.O.D.' Isn't that where we live?"
An Englishman went into his local library and asked for Frederic
Harrison's _George Washington and other American Addresses_. In a little
while he brought back the book to the librarian and said:
"This book does not give me what I require; I want to find out the
addresses of several American magnates; I know where George Washington
has gone to, for he never told a lie."
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"The divvle he does!" exclaimed Pat in disgust. "The dirty scab!" The difference between wages and salary is--when you receive wages you save two dollars a month, when you receive salary you borrow two dollars a month. He is well paid that ... _L.T.H_.
William J. Stevens, for several years local station agent at Swansea, R. I., was peacefully promenading his platform one morning when a rash dog ventured to snap at one of William's plump legs. Stevens promptly kicked the animal halfway across the... _R.L.F_.
Little six-year-old Harry was asked by his Sunday-school teacher: "And, Harry, what are you going to give your darling little brother for Christmas this year?" "I dunno," said Harry; "I gave him the measles last year." For little childr... "YOU"
Here's to the world, the merry old world, To its days both bright and blue; Here's to our future, be it what it may, And here's to my best--that's you! ... ABILITY
"Pa," said little Joe, "I bet I can do something you can't." "Well, what is it?" demanded his pa. "Grow," replied the youngster triumphantly.--_H.E. Zimmerman_. ... ABOLITION
He was a New Yorker visiting in a South Carolina village and he sauntered up to a native sitting in front of the general store, and began a conversation. "Have you heard about the new manner in which the planters are going to pick their cotton ... ABSENTMINDEDNESS
SHE--"I consider, John, that sheep are the stupidest creatures living." HE--(_absent-mindedly_)--"Yes, my lamb." ... ACCIDENTS
The late Dr. Henry Thayer, founder of Thayer's Laboratory in Cambridge, was walking along a street one winter morning. The sidewalk was sheeted with ice and the doctor was making his way carefully, as was also a woman going in the opposite directi... ACTING
Hopkinson Smith tells a characteristic story of a southern friend of his, an actor, who, by the way, was in the dramatization of _Colonel Carter_. On one occasion the actor was appearing in his native town, and remembered an old negro and his wife... ACTORS AND ACTRESSES
An "Uncle Tom's Cabin" company was starting to parade in a small New England town when a big gander, from a farmyard near at hand waddled to the middle of the street and began to hiss. One of the double-in-brass actors turned toward the fowl and... ADAPTATION
"I know a nature-faker," said Mr. Bache, the author, "who claims that a hen of his last month hatched, from a setting of seventeen eggs, seventeen chicks that had, in lieu of feathers, fur. "He claimed that these fur-coated chicks were a proof o... ADDRESSES
In a large store a child, pointing to a shopper exclaimed, "Oh, mother, that lady lives the same place we do. I just heard her say, 'Send it up C.O.D.' Isn't that where we live?" An Englishman went into his local library and asked for Frederic... ADVERTISING
Not long ago a patron of a café in Chicago summoned his waiter and delivered himself as follows: "I want to know the meaning of this. Look at this piece of beef. See its size. Last evening I was served with a portion more than twice the size o... ADVICE
Her exalted rank did not give Queen Victoria immunity from the trials of a grandmother. One of her grandsons, whose recklessness in spending money provoked her strong disapproval, wrote to the Queen reminding her of his approaching birthday and de... AERONAUTICS
A flea and a fly in a flue, Were imprisoned; now what could they do? Said the fly, "let us flee." "Let us fly," said the flea, And they flew through a flaw in the flue. The impression that men will never fly like birds seems to... AEROPLANES
"Mother, may I go aeroplane?" "Yes, my darling Mary. Tie yourself to an anchor chain And don't go near the airy." --_Judge_. Harry N. Atwood, the noted aviator, was the guest of honor at a dinner in New York, and on the occa... AFTER DINNER SPEECHES
A Frenchman once remarked: "The table is the only place where one is not bored for the first hour." Every rose has its thorn There's fuzz on all the peaches. There never was a dinner yet Without some lengthy speeches. Jose... AGE
The good die young. Here's hoping that you may live to a ripe old age. "How old are you, Tommy?" asked a caller. "Well, when I'm home I'm five, when I'm in school I'm six, and when I'm on the cars I'm four." "How effusively sweet that M... AGENTS
"John, whatever induced you to buy a house in this forsaken region?" "One of the best men in the business."--_Life_. ... AGRICULTURE
A farmer, according to this definition, is a man who makes his money on the farm and spends it in town. An agriculturist is a man who makes his money in town and spends it on the farm. In certain parts of the west, where without irrigation the... ALARM CLOCKS
MIKE (in bed, to alarm-clock as it goes off)--"I fooled yez that time. I was not aslape at all." ... ALERTNESS
"Alert?" repeated a congressman, when questioned concerning one of his political opponents. "Why, he's alert as a Providence bridegroom I heard of the other day. You know how bridegrooms starting off on their honeymoons sometimes forget all about ... ALIBI
A party of Manila army women were returning in an auto from a suburban excursion when the driver unfortunately collided with another vehicle. While a policeman was taking down the names of those concerned an "English-speaking" Filipino law-student... ALIMONY
"What is alimony, ma?" "It is a man's cash surrender value."--_Town Topics_ The proof of the wedding is in the alimony. ... ALLOWANCES
"Why don't you give your wife an allowance?" "I did once, and she spent it before I could borrow it back." ... ALTERNATIVES
_See_ Choices. ... ALTRUISM
WILLIE--"Pa!" PA--"Yes." WILLIE--"Teacher says we're here to help others." PA--"Of course we are." WILLIE--"Well, what are the others here for?" There was once a remarkably kind boy who was a great angler. There was a trout stream i...