ADVERTISING
Not long ago a patron of a café in Chicago summoned his waiter and
delivered himself as follows:
"I want to know the meaning of this. Look at this piece of beef. See its
size. Last evening I was served with a portion more than twice the size
of this."
"Where did you sit?" asked the waiter.
"What has that to do with it? I believe I sat by the window."
serve customers by the window large portions. It's a good advertisement
for the place."
"Advertising costs me a lot of money."
"Why I never saw your goods advertised."
"They aren't. But my wife reads other people's ads."
When Mark Twain, in his early days, was editor of a Missouri paper, a
superstitious subscriber wrote to him saying that he had found a spider
in his paper, and asking him whether that was a sign of good luck or
bad. The humorist wrote him this answer and printed it:
"Old subscriber: Finding a spider in your paper was neither good luck
nor bad luck for you. The spider was merely looking over our paper to
see which merchant is not advertising, so that he can go to that store,
spin his web across the door and lead a life of undisturbed peace ever
afterward."
"Good Heavens, man! I saw your obituary in this morning's paper!"
"Yes, I know. I put it in myself. My opera is to be produced to-night,
and I want good notices from the critics."--_C. Hilton Turvey_.
Paderewski arrived in a small western town about noon one day and
decided to take a walk in the afternoon. While strolling ling along he
heard a piano, and, following the sound, came to a house on which was a
sign reading:
"Miss Jones. Piano lessons 25 cents an hour."
Pausing to listen he heard the young woman trying to play one of
Chopin's nocturnes, and not succeeding very well.
Paderewski walked up to the house and knocked. Miss Jones came to the
door and recognized him at once. Delighted, she invited him in and he
sat down and played the nocturne as only Paderewski can, afterward
spending an hour in correcting her mistakes. Miss Jones thanked him and
he departed.
Some months afterward he returned to the town, and again took the same
walk.
He soon came to the home of Miss Jones, and, looking at the sign, he
read:
"Miss Jones. Piano lessons $1.00 an hour. (Pupil of Paderewski.)"
Shortly after Raymond Hitchcock made his first big hit in New York,
Eddie Foy, who was also playing in town, happened to be passing Daly's
Theatre, and paused to look at the pictures of Hitchcock and his company
that adorned the entrance. Near the pictures was a billboard covered
with laudatory extracts from newspaper criticisms of the show.
When Foy had moodily read to the bottom of the list, he turned to an
unobtrusive young man who had been watching him out of the corner of his
eye.
"Say, have you seen this show?" he asked.
"Sure," replied the young man.
"Any good? How's this guy Hitchcock, anyhow?"
"Any good?" repeated the young man pityingly. "Why, say, he's the best
in the business. He's got all these other would-be side-ticklers lashed
to the mast. He's a scream. Never laughed so much at any one in all my
life."
"Is he as good as Foy?" ventured Foy hopefully.
"As good as Foy!" The young man's scorn was superb. "Why, this Hitchcock
has got that Foy person looking like a gloom. They're not in the same
class. Hitchcock's funny. A man with feelings can't compare them. I'm
sorry you asked me, I feel so strongly about it."
Eddie looked at him very sternly and then, in the hollow tones of a
tragedian, he said:
"I am Foy."
"I know you are," said the young man cheerfully. "I'm Hitchcock!"
Advertisements are of great use to the vulgar. First of all, as they are
instruments of ambition. A man that is by no means big enough for the
Gazette, may easily creep into the advertisements; by which means we
often see an apothecary in the same paper of news with a
plenipotentiary, or a running footman with an ambassador.--_Addison_.
_See also_ Salesmen and Salesmanship.
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Not long ago a patron of a café in Chicago summoned his waiter and delivered himself as follows: "I want to know the meaning of this. Look at this piece of beef. See its size. Last evening I was served with a portion more than twice the size o... ADVICE
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_See_ Choices. ... ALTRUISM
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Oliver Herford sat next to a soulful poetess at dinner one night, and that dreamy one turned her sad eyes upon him. "Have you no other ambition, Mr. Herford," she demanded, "than to force people to degrade themselves by laughter?" Yes, Herford ... AMERICAN GIRL
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Eugene Field was at a dinner in London when the conversation turned to the subject of lynching in the United States. It was the general opinion that a large percentage of Americans met death at the end of a rope. Finally the hostess turned to Fi... AMUSEMENTS
A newspaper thus defined amusements: The Friends' picnic this year was not as well attended as it has been for some years. This can be laid to three causes, viz.: the change of place in holding it, deaths in families, and other amusements. ... ANATOMY
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Charlie and Nancy had quarreled. After their supper Mother tried to re-establish friendly relations. She told them of the Bible verse, "Let not the sun go down upon your wrath." "Now, Charlie," she pleaded, "are you going to let the sun go down ... ANNIVERSARIES
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"Suppose," asked the professor in chemistry, "that you were summoned to the side of a patient who had accidentally swallowed a heavy dose of oxalic acid, what would you administer?" The student who, studying for the ministry, took chemistry beca... APPEARANCES
"How fat and well your little boy looks." "Ah, you should never judge from appearances. He's got a gumboil on one side of his face and he has been stung by a wasp on the other." ... APPLAUSE
A certain theatrical troupe, after a dreary and unsuccessful tour, finally arrived in a small New Jersey town. That night, though there was no furore or general uprising of the audience, there was enough hand-clapping to arouse the troupe's deject... ARBITRATION INTERNATIONAL
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The colonel of a volunteer regiment camping in Virginia came across a private on the outskirts of the camp, painfully munching on something. His face was wry and his lips seemed to move only with the greatest effort. "What are you eating?" dema... ART
There was an old sculptor named Phidias, Whose knowledge of Art was invidious. He carved Aphrodite Without any nightie-- Which startled the purely fastidious. --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_. The friend had dropped in to see D'A... ARTISTS
ARTIST--"I'd like to devote my last picture to a charitable purpose." CRITIC--"Why not give it to an institution for the blind?" "Wealth has its penalties." said the ready-made philosopher. "Yes," replied Mr. Cumrox. "I'd rather be back at... ATHLETES
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TEACHER--"If a man saves $2 a week, how long will it take him to save a thousand?" BOY--"He never would, ma'am. After he got $900 he'd buy a car." "How fast is your car, Jimpson?" asked Harkaway. "Well," said Jimpson, "it keeps about six ...