ANCESTRY
A western buyer is inordinately proud of the fact that one of his
ancestors affixed his name to the Declaration of Independence. At the
time the salesman called, the buyer was signing a number of checks and
affixed his signature with many a curve and flourish. The salesman's
patience becoming exhausted in waiting for the buyer to recognize him,
he finally observed:
"You have a fine signature, Mr. So-and-S
"Yes," admitted the buyer, "I should have. One of my forefathers signed
the Declaration of Independence."
"So?" said the caller, with rising inflection. And then he added:
"Vell, you aind't got nottings on me. One of my forefathers signed the
Ten Commandments."
In a speech in the Senate on Hawaiian affairs, Senator Depew of New York
told this story:
When Queen Liliuokalani was in England during the English queen's
jubilee, she was received at Buckingham Palace. In the course of the
remarks that passed between the two queens, the one from the Sandwich
Islands said that she had English blood in her veins.
"How so?" inquired Victoria.
"My ancestors ate Captain Cook."
Signor Marconi, in an interview in Washington, praised American
democracy.
"Over here," he said, "you respect a man for what he is himself--not for
what his family is--and thus you remind me of the gardener in Bologna
who helped me with my first wireless apparatus.
"As my mother's gardener and I were working on my apparatus together a
young count joined us one day, and while he watched us work the count
boasted of his lineage.
"The gardener, after listening a long while, smiled and said:
"'If you come from an ancient family, it's so much the worse for you
sir; for, as we gardeners say, the older the seed the worse the crop.'"
"Gerald," said the young wife, noticing how heartily he was eating, "do
I cook as well as your mother did?"
Gerald put up his monocle, and stared at her through it.
"Once and for all, Agatha," he said, "I beg you will remember that
although I may seem to be in reduced circumstances now, I come of an old
and distinguished family. My mother was not a cook."
"My ancestors came over in the 'Mayflower.'"
"That's nothing; my father descended from an aëroplane."--_Life_.
When in England, Governor Foss, of Massachusetts, had luncheon with a
prominent Englishman noted for boasting of his ancestry. Taking a coin
from his pocket, the Englishman said: "My great-great-grandfather was
made a lord by the king whose picture you see on this shilling."
"Indeed!" replied the governor, smiling, as he produced another coin.
"What a coincidence! My great-great-grandfather was made an angel by the
Indian whose picture you see on this cent."
People will not look forward to posterity, who never look backward to
their ancestors.--_Burke_.
From yon blue heavens above us bent,
The gardener Adam and his wife
Smile at the claims of long descent.
--_Tennyson_.
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"The divvle he does!" exclaimed Pat in disgust. "The dirty scab!" The difference between wages and salary is--when you receive wages you save two dollars a month, when you receive salary you borrow two dollars a month. He is well paid that ... _L.T.H_.
William J. Stevens, for several years local station agent at Swansea, R. I., was peacefully promenading his platform one morning when a rash dog ventured to snap at one of William's plump legs. Stevens promptly kicked the animal halfway across the... _R.L.F_.
Little six-year-old Harry was asked by his Sunday-school teacher: "And, Harry, what are you going to give your darling little brother for Christmas this year?" "I dunno," said Harry; "I gave him the measles last year." For little childr... "YOU"
Here's to the world, the merry old world, To its days both bright and blue; Here's to our future, be it what it may, And here's to my best--that's you! ... ABILITY
"Pa," said little Joe, "I bet I can do something you can't." "Well, what is it?" demanded his pa. "Grow," replied the youngster triumphantly.--_H.E. Zimmerman_. ... ABOLITION
He was a New Yorker visiting in a South Carolina village and he sauntered up to a native sitting in front of the general store, and began a conversation. "Have you heard about the new manner in which the planters are going to pick their cotton ... ABSENTMINDEDNESS
SHE--"I consider, John, that sheep are the stupidest creatures living." HE--(_absent-mindedly_)--"Yes, my lamb." ... ACCIDENTS
The late Dr. Henry Thayer, founder of Thayer's Laboratory in Cambridge, was walking along a street one winter morning. The sidewalk was sheeted with ice and the doctor was making his way carefully, as was also a woman going in the opposite directi... ACTING
Hopkinson Smith tells a characteristic story of a southern friend of his, an actor, who, by the way, was in the dramatization of _Colonel Carter_. On one occasion the actor was appearing in his native town, and remembered an old negro and his wife... ACTORS AND ACTRESSES
An "Uncle Tom's Cabin" company was starting to parade in a small New England town when a big gander, from a farmyard near at hand waddled to the middle of the street and began to hiss. One of the double-in-brass actors turned toward the fowl and... ADAPTATION
"I know a nature-faker," said Mr. Bache, the author, "who claims that a hen of his last month hatched, from a setting of seventeen eggs, seventeen chicks that had, in lieu of feathers, fur. "He claimed that these fur-coated chicks were a proof o... ADDRESSES
In a large store a child, pointing to a shopper exclaimed, "Oh, mother, that lady lives the same place we do. I just heard her say, 'Send it up C.O.D.' Isn't that where we live?" An Englishman went into his local library and asked for Frederic... ADVERTISING
Not long ago a patron of a café in Chicago summoned his waiter and delivered himself as follows: "I want to know the meaning of this. Look at this piece of beef. See its size. Last evening I was served with a portion more than twice the size o... ADVICE
Her exalted rank did not give Queen Victoria immunity from the trials of a grandmother. One of her grandsons, whose recklessness in spending money provoked her strong disapproval, wrote to the Queen reminding her of his approaching birthday and de... AERONAUTICS
A flea and a fly in a flue, Were imprisoned; now what could they do? Said the fly, "let us flee." "Let us fly," said the flea, And they flew through a flaw in the flue. The impression that men will never fly like birds seems to... AEROPLANES
"Mother, may I go aeroplane?" "Yes, my darling Mary. Tie yourself to an anchor chain And don't go near the airy." --_Judge_. Harry N. Atwood, the noted aviator, was the guest of honor at a dinner in New York, and on the occa... AFTER DINNER SPEECHES
A Frenchman once remarked: "The table is the only place where one is not bored for the first hour." Every rose has its thorn There's fuzz on all the peaches. There never was a dinner yet Without some lengthy speeches. Jose... AGE
The good die young. Here's hoping that you may live to a ripe old age. "How old are you, Tommy?" asked a caller. "Well, when I'm home I'm five, when I'm in school I'm six, and when I'm on the cars I'm four." "How effusively sweet that M... AGENTS
"John, whatever induced you to buy a house in this forsaken region?" "One of the best men in the business."--_Life_. ... AGRICULTURE
A farmer, according to this definition, is a man who makes his money on the farm and spends it in town. An agriculturist is a man who makes his money in town and spends it on the farm. In certain parts of the west, where without irrigation the... ALARM CLOCKS
MIKE (in bed, to alarm-clock as it goes off)--"I fooled yez that time. I was not aslape at all." ... ALERTNESS
"Alert?" repeated a congressman, when questioned concerning one of his political opponents. "Why, he's alert as a Providence bridegroom I heard of the other day. You know how bridegrooms starting off on their honeymoons sometimes forget all about ... ALIBI
A party of Manila army women were returning in an auto from a suburban excursion when the driver unfortunately collided with another vehicle. While a policeman was taking down the names of those concerned an "English-speaking" Filipino law-student... ALIMONY
"What is alimony, ma?" "It is a man's cash surrender value."--_Town Topics_ The proof of the wedding is in the alimony. ... ALLOWANCES
"Why don't you give your wife an allowance?" "I did once, and she spent it before I could borrow it back." ... ALTERNATIVES
_See_ Choices. ... ALTRUISM
WILLIE--"Pa!" PA--"Yes." WILLIE--"Teacher says we're here to help others." PA--"Of course we are." WILLIE--"Well, what are the others here for?" There was once a remarkably kind boy who was a great angler. There was a trout stream i... AMBITION
Oliver Herford sat next to a soulful poetess at dinner one night, and that dreamy one turned her sad eyes upon him. "Have you no other ambition, Mr. Herford," she demanded, "than to force people to degrade themselves by laughter?" Yes, Herford ... AMERICAN GIRL
Here's to the dearest Of all things on earth. (Dearest precisely-- And yet of full worth.) One who lays siege to Susceptible hearts. (Pocket-books also-- That's one of her arts!) Drink to her, toast her, Your ba... AMERICANS
Eugene Field was at a dinner in London when the conversation turned to the subject of lynching in the United States. It was the general opinion that a large percentage of Americans met death at the end of a rope. Finally the hostess turned to Fi... AMUSEMENTS
A newspaper thus defined amusements: The Friends' picnic this year was not as well attended as it has been for some years. This can be laid to three causes, viz.: the change of place in holding it, deaths in families, and other amusements. ... ANATOMY
TOMMY--"My gran'pa wuz in th' civil war, an' he lost a leg or a arm in every battle he fit in!" JOHNNY--"Gee! How many battles was he in?" TOMMY--"About forty." They thought more of the Legion of Honor in the time of the first Napoleon t... ANCESTRY
A western buyer is inordinately proud of the fact that one of his ancestors affixed his name to the Declaration of Independence. At the time the salesman called, the buyer was signing a number of checks and affixed his signature with many a curve ... ANGER
Charlie and Nancy had quarreled. After their supper Mother tried to re-establish friendly relations. She told them of the Bible verse, "Let not the sun go down upon your wrath." "Now, Charlie," she pleaded, "are you going to let the sun go down ... ANNIVERSARIES
MRS. JONES--"Does your husband remember your wedding anniversary?" MRS. SMITH--"No; so I remind him of it in January and June, and get two presents." ... ANTIDOTES
"Suppose," asked the professor in chemistry, "that you were summoned to the side of a patient who had accidentally swallowed a heavy dose of oxalic acid, what would you administer?" The student who, studying for the ministry, took chemistry beca... APPEARANCES
"How fat and well your little boy looks." "Ah, you should never judge from appearances. He's got a gumboil on one side of his face and he has been stung by a wasp on the other." ... APPLAUSE
A certain theatrical troupe, after a dreary and unsuccessful tour, finally arrived in a small New Jersey town. That night, though there was no furore or general uprising of the audience, there was enough hand-clapping to arouse the troupe's deject... ARBITRATION INTERNATIONAL
A war was going on, and one day, the papers being full of the grim details of a bloody battle, a woman said to her husband: "This slaughter is shocking. It's fiendish. Can nothing he done to stop it?" "I'm afraid not," her husband answered. ... ARITHMETIC
"He seems to be very clever." "Yes, indeed, he can even do the problems that his children have to work out at school." SONNY--"Aw, pop, I don't wanter study arithmetic." POP--"What! a son of mine grow up and not he able to figure up baseb... ARMIES
A new volunteer at a national guard encampment who had not quite learned his business, was on sentry duty, one night, when a friend brought a pie from the canteen. As he sat on the grass eating pie, the major sauntered up in undress uniform. Th... ARMY RATIONS
The colonel of a volunteer regiment camping in Virginia came across a private on the outskirts of the camp, painfully munching on something. His face was wry and his lips seemed to move only with the greatest effort. "What are you eating?" dema... ART
There was an old sculptor named Phidias, Whose knowledge of Art was invidious. He carved Aphrodite Without any nightie-- Which startled the purely fastidious. --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_. The friend had dropped in to see D'A... ARTISTS
ARTIST--"I'd like to devote my last picture to a charitable purpose." CRITIC--"Why not give it to an institution for the blind?" "Wealth has its penalties." said the ready-made philosopher. "Yes," replied Mr. Cumrox. "I'd rather be back at... ATHLETES
The caller's eye had caught the photograph of Tommie Billups, standing on the desk of Mr. Billups. "That your boy, Billups?" he asked. "Yes," said Billups, "he's a sophomore up at Binkton College." "Looks intellectual rather than athletic,"... ATTENTION
The supervisor of a school was trying to prove that children are lacking in observation. To the children he said, "Now, children, tell me a number to put on the board." Some child said, "Thirty-six." The supervisor wrote sixty-three. He as... AUTHORS
The following is a recipe for an author: Take the usual number of fingers, Add paper, manila or white, A typewriter, plenty of postage And something or other to write. --_Life_. Oscar Wilde, upon hearing one of Whistler's _bon... AUTOMOBILES
TEACHER--"If a man saves $2 a week, how long will it take him to save a thousand?" BOY--"He never would, ma'am. After he got $900 he'd buy a car." "How fast is your car, Jimpson?" asked Harkaway. "Well," said Jimpson, "it keeps about six ... AUTOMOBILING
"Sorry, gentlemen," said the new constable, "but I'll hev to run ye in. We been keepin' tabs on ye sence ye left Huckleberry Corners." "Why, that's nonsense!" said Dubbleigh. "It's taken us four hours to come twenty miles, thanks to a flabby tir... AVIATION
The aviator's wife was taking her first trip with her husband in his airship. "Wait a minute, George," she said. "I'm afraid we will have to go down again." "What's wrong?" asked her husband. "I believe I have dropped one of the pearl buttons... AVIATORS
Little drops in water-- Little drops on land-- Make the aviator, Join the heavenly band. --_Satire_. "Are you an experienced aviator?" "Well, sir, I have been at it six weeks and I am all here."--_Life_. ... BABIES
_See_ Children. ... BACCALAUREATE SERMONS
PROUD FATHER--"Rick, my boy, if you live up to your oration you'll be an honor to the family." VALEDICTORIAN-"I expect to do better than that, father. I am going to try to live up to the baccalaureate sermon." ... BACTERIA
There once were some learned M.D.'s, Who captured some germs of disease, And infected a train Which, without causing pain, Allowed one to catch it with ease. Two doctors met in the hall of the hospital. "Well," said the firs... BADGES
Mrs. Philpots came panting downstairs on her way to the temperance society meeting. She was a short, plump woman. "Addie, run up to my room and get my blue ribbon rosette, the temperance badge," she directed her maid. "I have forgotten it. You wil... BAGGAGE
An Aberdonian went to spend a few days in London with his son, who had done exceptionally well in the great metropolis. After their first greetings at King's Cross Station, the young fellow remarked: "Feyther, you are not lookin' weel. Is there an... BALDNESS
One mother who still considers Marcel waves as the most fashionable way of dressing the hair was at work on the job. Her little eight-year-old girl was crouched on her father's lap, watching her mother. Every once in a while the baby fingers wou... BANKS AND BANKING
During a financial panic, a German farmer went to a bank for some money. He was told that the bank was not paying out money, but was using cashier's checks. He could not understand this, and insisted on money. The officers took him in hand, one ... BAPTISM
A revival was being held at a small colored Baptist church in southern Georgia. At one of the meetings the evangelist, after an earnest but fruitless exhortation, requested all of the congregation who wanted their souls washed white as snow to sta... BAPTISTS
An old colored man first joined the Episcopal Church, then the Methodist and next the Baptist, where he remained. Questioned as to the reason for his church travels he responded: "Well, suh, hit's this way: de 'Piscopals is gemmen, suh, but I co... BARGAINS
MANAGER (five-and-ten-cent store)--"What did the lady who just went out want?" SHOPGIRL--"She inquired if we had a shoe department." "Hades," said the lady who loves to shop, "would be a magnificent and endless bargain counter and I looking... BASEBALL
A run in time saves the nine. Knowin' all 'bout baseball is jist 'bout as profitable as bein' a good whittler.--_Abe Martin_. "Plague take that girl!" "My friend, that is the most beautiful girl in this town." "That may be. But she o... BATHS AND BATHING
The only unoccupied room in the hotel--one with a private bath in connection with it--was given to the stranger from Kansas. The next morning the clerk was approached by the guest when the latter was ready to check out. "Well, did you have a go... BAZARS
Once upon a time a deacon who did not favor church bazars was going along a dark street when a footpad suddenly appeared, and, pointing his pistol, began to relieve his victim of his money. The thief, however, apparently suffered some pangs of r... BEARDS
There was an old man with a beard, Who said, "It is just as I feared!-- Two owls and a hen, Four larks and a wren, Have all built their nests in my beard." ... BEAUTY
If eyes were made for seeing, Then beauty is its own excuse for being. --Emerson. A thing of beauty is a joy forever; Its loveliness increases; it will never Pass into nothingness; but still will keep A bower quiet for us, a... BEAUTY, PERSONAL
In good looks I am not a star. There are others more lovely by far. But my face--I don't mind it, Because I'm behind it-- It's the people in front that I jar. "Shine yer boots, sir?" "No," snapped the man. "Shine 'em so's... BEDS
A western politician tells the following story as illustrating the inconveniences attached to campaigning in certain sections of the country. Upon his arrival at one of the small towns in South Dakota, where he was to make a speech the followin...