After Dinner Speeches
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TEACHER--"If a man saves $2 a week, how long will it take him to save a
BOY--"He never would, ma'am. After he got $900 he'd buy a car."
"How fast is your car, Jimpson?" asked Harkaway.
"Well," said Jimpson, "it keeps about six months ahead of my income
"What is the name of your automobile?"
"I don't know."
"You don't know? What do your folks call it?"
"Oh, as to that, father always says 'The Mortgage'; brother Tom calls it
'The Fake'; mother, 'My Limousine'; sister, 'Our Car'; grandma, 'That
Peril'; the chauffeur, 'Some Freak,' and our neighbors, 'The
"What little boy can tell me the difference between the 'quick' and the
'dead?'" asked the Sunday-school teacher.
Willie waved his hand frantically.
"Please, ma'am, the 'quick' are the ones that get out of the way of
automobiles; the ones that don't are the 'dead.'"
"Do you have much trouble with your automobile?"
"Trouble! Say, I couldn't have more if I was married to the blamed
A little "Brush" chugged painfully up to the gate of a race track.
The gate-keeper, demanding the usual fee for automobiles, called:
"A dollar for the car!"
The owner looked up with a pathetic smile of relief and said:
Autos rush in where mortgages have dared to tread.
_See also_ Fords; Profanity.
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Protestant Episcopal Church