BILLS
The proverb, "Where there's a will there's a way" is now revised to
"When there's a bill we're away."
YOUNG DOCTOR--"Why do you always ask your patients what they have for
dinner?"
OLD DOCTOR--"It's a most important question, for according to their
menus I make out my bills."
Farmer Gray kept summer boarders. One of these, a schoolteacher, hired
him to drive her to the various points of interest around the country.
He pointed out this one and that, at the same time giving such items of
information as he possessed.
The school-teacher, pursing her lips, remarked, "It will not be
necessary for you to talk."
When her bill was presented, there was a five-dollar charge marked
"Extra."
"What is this?" she asked, pointing to the item.
"That," replied the farmer, "is for sass. I don't often take it, but
when I do I charge for it."--_E. Egbert_.
PATIENT (_angrily_)--"The size of your bill makes my blood boil."
DOCTOR--"Then that will be $20 more for sterilizing your system."
At the bedside of a patient who was a noted humorist, five doctors were
in consultation as to the best means of producing a perspiration.
The sick man overheard the discussion, and, after listening for a few
moments, he turned his head toward the group and whispered with a dry
chuckle:
"Just send in your bills, gentlemen; that will bring it on at once."
"Thank Heaven, those bills are got rid of," said Bilkins, fervently, as
he tore up a bundle of statements of account dated October 1st.
"All paid, eh?" said Mrs. Bilkins.
"Oh, no," said Bilkins. "The duplicates dated November 1st have come in
and I don't have to keep these any longer."
More
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AUTOMOBILES
TEACHER--"If a man saves $2 a week, how long will it take him to save a thousand?" BOY--"He never would, ma'am. After he got $900 he'd buy a car." "How fast is your car, Jimpson?" asked Harkaway. "Well," said Jimpson, "it keeps about six ... AUTOMOBILING
"Sorry, gentlemen," said the new constable, "but I'll hev to run ye in. We been keepin' tabs on ye sence ye left Huckleberry Corners." "Why, that's nonsense!" said Dubbleigh. "It's taken us four hours to come twenty miles, thanks to a flabby tir... AVIATION
The aviator's wife was taking her first trip with her husband in his airship. "Wait a minute, George," she said. "I'm afraid we will have to go down again." "What's wrong?" asked her husband. "I believe I have dropped one of the pearl buttons... AVIATORS
Little drops in water-- Little drops on land-- Make the aviator, Join the heavenly band. --_Satire_. "Are you an experienced aviator?" "Well, sir, I have been at it six weeks and I am all here."--_Life_. ... BABIES
_See_ Children. ... BACCALAUREATE SERMONS
PROUD FATHER--"Rick, my boy, if you live up to your oration you'll be an honor to the family." VALEDICTORIAN-"I expect to do better than that, father. I am going to try to live up to the baccalaureate sermon." ... BACTERIA
There once were some learned M.D.'s, Who captured some germs of disease, And infected a train Which, without causing pain, Allowed one to catch it with ease. Two doctors met in the hall of the hospital. "Well," said the firs... BADGES
Mrs. Philpots came panting downstairs on her way to the temperance society meeting. She was a short, plump woman. "Addie, run up to my room and get my blue ribbon rosette, the temperance badge," she directed her maid. "I have forgotten it. You wil... BAGGAGE
An Aberdonian went to spend a few days in London with his son, who had done exceptionally well in the great metropolis. After their first greetings at King's Cross Station, the young fellow remarked: "Feyther, you are not lookin' weel. Is there an... BALDNESS
One mother who still considers Marcel waves as the most fashionable way of dressing the hair was at work on the job. Her little eight-year-old girl was crouched on her father's lap, watching her mother. Every once in a while the baby fingers wou... BANKS AND BANKING
During a financial panic, a German farmer went to a bank for some money. He was told that the bank was not paying out money, but was using cashier's checks. He could not understand this, and insisted on money. The officers took him in hand, one ... BAPTISM
A revival was being held at a small colored Baptist church in southern Georgia. At one of the meetings the evangelist, after an earnest but fruitless exhortation, requested all of the congregation who wanted their souls washed white as snow to sta... BAPTISTS
An old colored man first joined the Episcopal Church, then the Methodist and next the Baptist, where he remained. Questioned as to the reason for his church travels he responded: "Well, suh, hit's this way: de 'Piscopals is gemmen, suh, but I co... BARGAINS
MANAGER (five-and-ten-cent store)--"What did the lady who just went out want?" SHOPGIRL--"She inquired if we had a shoe department." "Hades," said the lady who loves to shop, "would be a magnificent and endless bargain counter and I looking... BASEBALL
A run in time saves the nine. Knowin' all 'bout baseball is jist 'bout as profitable as bein' a good whittler.--_Abe Martin_. "Plague take that girl!" "My friend, that is the most beautiful girl in this town." "That may be. But she o... BATHS AND BATHING
The only unoccupied room in the hotel--one with a private bath in connection with it--was given to the stranger from Kansas. The next morning the clerk was approached by the guest when the latter was ready to check out. "Well, did you have a go... BAZARS
Once upon a time a deacon who did not favor church bazars was going along a dark street when a footpad suddenly appeared, and, pointing his pistol, began to relieve his victim of his money. The thief, however, apparently suffered some pangs of r... BEARDS
There was an old man with a beard, Who said, "It is just as I feared!-- Two owls and a hen, Four larks and a wren, Have all built their nests in my beard." ... BEAUTY
If eyes were made for seeing, Then beauty is its own excuse for being. --Emerson. A thing of beauty is a joy forever; Its loveliness increases; it will never Pass into nothingness; but still will keep A bower quiet for us, a... BEAUTY, PERSONAL
In good looks I am not a star. There are others more lovely by far. But my face--I don't mind it, Because I'm behind it-- It's the people in front that I jar. "Shine yer boots, sir?" "No," snapped the man. "Shine 'em so's... BEDS
A western politician tells the following story as illustrating the inconveniences attached to campaigning in certain sections of the country. Upon his arrival at one of the small towns in South Dakota, where he was to make a speech the followin... BEER
A man to whom illness was chronic, When told that he needed a tonic, Said, "O Doctor dear, Won't you please make it beer?" "No, no," said the Doc., "that's Teutonic." ... BEES
TEACHER--"Tommy, do you know 'How Doth the Little Busy Bee'?" TOMMY--"No; I only know he doth it!" ... BEETLES
Now doth the frisky June Bug Bring forth his aeroplane, And try to make a record, And busticate his brain! He bings against the mirror, He bangs against the door, He caroms on the ceiling, And turtles on the floor! ... BEGGING
THE "ANGEL" (about to give a beggar a dime)--"Poor man! And are you married?" BEGGAR--"Pardon me, madam! D'ye think I'd be relyin' on total strangers for support if I had a wife?" MAN--"Is there any reason why I should give you five cents?"... BETTING
The officers' mess was discussing rifle shooting. "I'll bet anyone here," said one young lieutenant, "that I can fire twenty shots at two hundred yards and call each shot correctly without waiting for the marker. I'll stake a box of cigars that ... BIBLE INTERPRETATION
"Miss Jane, did Moses have the same after-dinner complaint my papa's got?" asked Percy of his governess. "Gracious me, Percy! Whatever do you mean, my dear?" "Well, it says here that the Lord gave Moses two tablets." "Mr. Preacher," said ... BIGAMY
There once was an old man of Lyme. Who married three wives at a time: When asked, "Why a third?" He replied, "One's absurd! And bigamy, sir, is a crime." ... BILLS
The proverb, "Where there's a will there's a way" is now revised to "When there's a bill we're away." YOUNG DOCTOR--"Why do you always ask your patients what they have for dinner?" OLD DOCTOR--"It's a most important question, for according ... BIRTHDAYS
When a man has a birthday he takes a day off, but when a woman has a birthday she takes a year off. ... BLUFFING
Francis Wilson, the comedian, says that many years ago when he was a member of a company playing "She Stoops to Conquer," a man without any money, wishing to see the show, stepped up to the box-office in a small town and said: "Pass me in, plea... BLUNDERS
An early morning customer in an optician's shop was a young woman with a determined air. She addressed the first salesman she saw. "I want to look at a pair of eyeglasses, sir, of extra magnifying power." "Yes, ma'am," replied the salesman; "som... BOASTING
Maybe the man who boasts that he doesn't owe a dollar in the world couldn't if he tried. "What sort of chap is he?" "Well, after a beggar has touched him for a dime he'll tell you he 'gave a little dinner to an acquaintance of his.'"--_R.R. ... BONANZAS
A certain Congressman had disastrous experience in goldmine speculations. One day a number of colleagues were discussing the subject of his speculation, when one of them said to this Western member: "Old chap, as an expert, give us a definition... BOOKKEEPING
Tommy, fourteen years old, arrived home for the holidays, and at his father's request produced his account book, duly kept at school. Among the items "S. P. G." figured largely and frequently. "Darling boy," fondly exclaimed his doting mamma: "se... BOOKS AND READING
LADY PRESIDENT--"What book has helped you most?" NEW MEMBER--"My husband's check-book."--_Martha Young_. "You may send me up the complete works of Shakespeare, Goethe and Emerson--also something to read." There are three classes of book... BOOKSELLERS AND BOOKSELLING
A bookseller reports these mistakes of customers in sending orders: ... BOOKWORMS
"A book-worm," said papa, "is a person who would rather read than eat, or it is a worm that would rather eat than read." ... BOOMERANGS
_See_ Repartee; Retaliation. ... BORES
"What kind of a looking man is that chap Gabbleton you just mentioned? I don't believe I have met him." "Well, if you see two men off in a corner anywhere and one of them looks bored to death, the other is Gabbleton."--_Puck_. A man who was... BORROWERS
A well-known but broken-down Detroit newspaper man, who had been a power in his day, approached an old friend the other day in the Pontchartrain Hotel and said: "What do you think? I have just received the prize insult of my life. A paper down ... BOSSES
The insurance agent climbed the steps and rang the bell. "Whom do you wish to see?" asked the careworn person who came to the door. "I want to see the boss of the house," replied the insurance agent. "Are you the boss?" "No," meekly return... BOSTON
A tourist from the east, visiting an old prospector in his lonely cabin in the hills, commented: "And yet you seem so cheerful and happy." "Yes," replied the one of the pick and shovel. "I spent a week in Boston once, and no matter what happens to... BOXING
John L. Sullivan was asked why he had never taken to giving boxing lessons. "Well, son, I tried it once," replied Mr. Sullivan. "A husky young man took one lesson from me and went home a little the worse for wear. When he came around for his se... BOYS
A certain island in the West Indies is liable to the periodical advent of earthquakes. One year before the season of these terrestrial disturbances, Mr. X., who lived in the danger zone, sent his two sons to the home of a brother in England, to se... BREAKFAST FOODS
Pharaoh had just dreamed of the seven full and the seven blasted ears of corn. "You are going to invent a new kind of breakfast food," interpreted Joseph.--_Judge_. ... BREATH
One day a teacher was having a first-grade class in physiology. She asked them if they knew that there was a burning fire in the body all of the time. One little girl spoke up and said: "Yes'm, when it is a cold day I can see the smoke." Sa... BREVITY
An after-dinner speaker was called on to speak on "The Antiquity of the Microbe." He arose and said, "Adam had 'em," and then sat down. A negro servant, on being ordered to announce visitors to a dinner party, was directed to call out in a lou... BRIBERY
A judge, disgusted with a jury that seemed unable to reach an agreement in a perfectly evident case, rose and said, "I discharge this jury." One sensitive talesman, indignant at what he considered a rebuke, obstinately faced the judge. "You c... BRIDES
"My dear," said the young husband as he took the bottle of milk from the dumb-waiter and held it up to the light, "have you noticed that there's never cream on this milk?" "I spoke to the milkman about it," she replied, "and he explained that t... BRIDGE WHIST
"How about the sermon?" "The minister preached on the sinfulness of cheating at bridge." "You don't say! Did he mention any names?" ... BROOKLYN
At the Brooklyn Bridge.--"Madam, do you want to go to Brooklyn?" "No, I have to."--_Life_. ... BRYAN, WILLIAM JENNINGS
Some time after the presidential election of 1908, one of Champ Clark's friends noticed that he still wore one of the Bryan watch fobs so popular during the election. On being asked the reason for this, Champ replied: "Oh, that's to keep my watch ... BUILDINGS
Pat had gone back home to Ireland and was telling about New York. "Have they such tall buildings in America as they say, Pat?" asked the parish priest. "Tall buildings ye ask, sur?" replied Pat. "Faith, sur, the last one I worked on we had to... BURGLARS
A burglar was one night engaged in the pleasing occupation of stowing a good haul of swag in his bag when he was startled by a touch on the shoulder, and, turning his head, he beheld a venerable, mild-eyed clergyman gazing sadly at him. "Oh, my... BUSINESS
A Boston lawyer, who brought his wit from his native Dublin, while cross-examining the plaintiff in a divorce trial, brought forth the following: "You wish to divorce this woman because she drinks?" "Yes, sir." "Do you drink yourself?" ...