After Dinner Speeches
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The proverb, "Where there's a will there's a way" is now revised to
"When there's a bill we're away."
YOUNG DOCTOR--"Why do you always ask your patients what they have for
OLD DOCTOR--"It's a most important question, for according to their
menus I make out my bills."
Farmer Gray kept summer boarders. One of these, a schoolteacher, hired
him to drive her to the various points of interest around the country.
He pointed out this one and that, at the same time giving such items of
information as he possessed.
The school-teacher, pursing her lips, remarked, "It will not be
necessary for you to talk."
When her bill was presented, there was a five-dollar charge marked
"What is this?" she asked, pointing to the item.
"That," replied the farmer, "is for sass. I don't often take it, but
when I do I charge for it."--_E. Egbert_.
PATIENT (_angrily_)--"The size of your bill makes my blood boil."
DOCTOR--"Then that will be $20 more for sterilizing your system."
At the bedside of a patient who was a noted humorist, five doctors were
in consultation as to the best means of producing a perspiration.
The sick man overheard the discussion, and, after listening for a few
moments, he turned his head toward the group and whispered with a dry
"Just send in your bills, gentlemen; that will bring it on at once."
"Thank Heaven, those bills are got rid of," said Bilkins, fervently, as
he tore up a bundle of statements of account dated October 1st.
"All paid, eh?" said Mrs. Bilkins.
"Oh, no," said Bilkins. "The duplicates dated November 1st have come in
and I don't have to keep these any longer."
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