BUSINESS
A Boston lawyer, who brought his wit from his native Dublin, while
cross-examining the plaintiff in a divorce trial, brought forth the
following:
"You wish to divorce this woman because she drinks?"
"Yes, sir."
"Do you drink yourself?"
"That's _my_ business!" angrily.
Whereupon the unmoved lawyer asked: "Have you any other business?"
At the Boston Immigration Station one blank was recently filled out as
follows:
Name--Abraham Cherkowsky.
Born--Yes.
Business--Rotten.
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BORES
"What kind of a looking man is that chap Gabbleton you just mentioned? I don't believe I have met him." "Well, if you see two men off in a corner anywhere and one of them looks bored to death, the other is Gabbleton."--_Puck_. A man who was... BORROWERS
A well-known but broken-down Detroit newspaper man, who had been a power in his day, approached an old friend the other day in the Pontchartrain Hotel and said: "What do you think? I have just received the prize insult of my life. A paper down ... BOSSES
The insurance agent climbed the steps and rang the bell. "Whom do you wish to see?" asked the careworn person who came to the door. "I want to see the boss of the house," replied the insurance agent. "Are you the boss?" "No," meekly return... BOSTON
A tourist from the east, visiting an old prospector in his lonely cabin in the hills, commented: "And yet you seem so cheerful and happy." "Yes," replied the one of the pick and shovel. "I spent a week in Boston once, and no matter what happens to... BOXING
John L. Sullivan was asked why he had never taken to giving boxing lessons. "Well, son, I tried it once," replied Mr. Sullivan. "A husky young man took one lesson from me and went home a little the worse for wear. When he came around for his se... BOYS
A certain island in the West Indies is liable to the periodical advent of earthquakes. One year before the season of these terrestrial disturbances, Mr. X., who lived in the danger zone, sent his two sons to the home of a brother in England, to se... BREAKFAST FOODS
Pharaoh had just dreamed of the seven full and the seven blasted ears of corn. "You are going to invent a new kind of breakfast food," interpreted Joseph.--_Judge_. ... BREATH
One day a teacher was having a first-grade class in physiology. She asked them if they knew that there was a burning fire in the body all of the time. One little girl spoke up and said: "Yes'm, when it is a cold day I can see the smoke." Sa... BREVITY
An after-dinner speaker was called on to speak on "The Antiquity of the Microbe." He arose and said, "Adam had 'em," and then sat down. A negro servant, on being ordered to announce visitors to a dinner party, was directed to call out in a lou... BRIBERY
A judge, disgusted with a jury that seemed unable to reach an agreement in a perfectly evident case, rose and said, "I discharge this jury." One sensitive talesman, indignant at what he considered a rebuke, obstinately faced the judge. "You c... BRIDES
"My dear," said the young husband as he took the bottle of milk from the dumb-waiter and held it up to the light, "have you noticed that there's never cream on this milk?" "I spoke to the milkman about it," she replied, "and he explained that t... BRIDGE WHIST
"How about the sermon?" "The minister preached on the sinfulness of cheating at bridge." "You don't say! Did he mention any names?" ... BROOKLYN
At the Brooklyn Bridge.--"Madam, do you want to go to Brooklyn?" "No, I have to."--_Life_. ... BRYAN, WILLIAM JENNINGS
Some time after the presidential election of 1908, one of Champ Clark's friends noticed that he still wore one of the Bryan watch fobs so popular during the election. On being asked the reason for this, Champ replied: "Oh, that's to keep my watch ... BUILDINGS
Pat had gone back home to Ireland and was telling about New York. "Have they such tall buildings in America as they say, Pat?" asked the parish priest. "Tall buildings ye ask, sur?" replied Pat. "Faith, sur, the last one I worked on we had to... BURGLARS
A burglar was one night engaged in the pleasing occupation of stowing a good haul of swag in his bag when he was startled by a touch on the shoulder, and, turning his head, he beheld a venerable, mild-eyed clergyman gazing sadly at him. "Oh, my... BUSINESS
A Boston lawyer, who brought his wit from his native Dublin, while cross-examining the plaintiff in a divorce trial, brought forth the following: "You wish to divorce this woman because she drinks?" "Yes, sir." "Do you drink yourself?" ... BUSINESS ENTERPRISE
It happened in Topeka. Three clothing stores were on the same block. One morning the middle proprietor saw to the right of him a big sign--"Bankrupt Sale," and to the left--"Closing Out at Cost." Twenty minutes later there appeared over his own do... BUSINESS ETHICS
"Johnny," said his teacher, "if coal is selling at $6 a ton and you pay your dealer $24 how many tons will he bring you?" "A little over three tons, ma'am," said Johnny promptly. "Why, Johnny, that isn't right," said the teacher. "No, ma'am... BUSINESS WOMEN
Wanted--A housekeeping man by a business woman. Object matrimony. ... CAMPAIGNS
_See_ Candidates; Public speakers. ... CAMPING
Camp life is just one canned thing after another. ... CANDIDATES
"When I first decided to allow the people of Tupelo to use my name as a candidate for Congress, I went out to a neighboring parish to speak," said Private John Allen recently to some friends at the old Metropolitan Hotel in Washington. "An old ... CANNING AND PRESERVING
A canner, exceedingly canny, One morning remarked to his granny, "A canner can can Anything that he can; But a canner can't can a can, can he?" --Carolyn Wells. ... CAPITALISTS
Of the late Bishop Charles G. Grafton a Fond du Lac man said: "Bishop Grafton was remarkable for the neatness and point of his pulpit utterances. Once, during a disastrous strike, a capitalist of Fond du Lac arose in a church meeting and asked lea... CAREFULNESS
Michael Dugan, a journeyman plumber, was sent by his employer to the Hightower mansion to repair a gas-leak in the drawing-room. When the butler admitted him he said to Dugan: "You are requested to be careful of the floors. They have just been ... CARPENTERS
While building a house, Senator Platt of Connecticut had occasion to employ a carpenter. One of the applicants was a plain Connecticut Yankee, without any frills. "You thoroughly understand carpentry?" asked the senator. "Yes, sir." "You c... CARVING
To Our National Birds--the Eagle and the Turkey--(while the host is carving): May one give us peace in all our States, And the other a piece for all our plates. ... CASTE
In some parts of the South the darkies are still addicted to the old style country dance in a big hall, with the fiddlers, banjoists, and other musicians on a platform at one end. At one such dance held not long ago in an Alabama town, when the ... CATS
There was a young lady whose dream Was to feed a black cat on whipt cream, But the cat with a bound Spilt the milk on the ground, So she fed a whipt cat on black cream. There once were two cats in Kilkenny, And each cat th... CAUSE AND EFFECT
Archbishop Whately was one day asked if he rose early. He replied that once he did, but he was so proud all the morning and so sleepy all the afternoon that he determined never to do it again. A man who has an office downtown called his wife b... CAUTION
Marshall Field, 3rd, according to a story that was going the rounds several years ago, bids fair to become a very cautious business man when he grows up. Approaching an old lady in a Lakewood hotel, he said: "Can you crack nuts?" "No, dear," ...