After Dinner Speeches
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Archbishop Whately was one day asked if he rose early. He replied that
once he did, but he was so proud all the morning and so sleepy all the
afternoon that he determined never to do it again.
A man who has an office downtown called his wife by telephone the other
morning and during the conversation asked what the baby was doing.
"She was crying her eyes out," replied the mother.
"I don't know whether it is because she has eaten too many strawberries
or because she wants more," replied the discouraged mother.
BANKS--"I had a new experience yesterday, one you might call
unaccountable. I ate a hearty dinner, finishing up with a Welsh rabbit,
a mince pie and some lobster à la Newburgh. Then I went to a place of
amusement. I had hardly entered the building before everything swam
BINKS--"The Welsh rabbit did it."
BUNKS--"No; it was the lobster."
BONKS--"I think it was the mince pie."
BANKS--"No; I have a simpler explanation than that. I never felt better
in my life; I was at the Aquarium."--_Judge_.
Among a party of Bostonians who spent some time in a hunting-camp in
Maine were two college professors. No sooner had the learned gentlemen
arrived than their attention was attracted by the unusual position of
the stove, which was set on posts about four feet high.
This circumstance afforded one of the professors immediate opportunity
to comment upon the knowledge that woodsmen gain by observation.
"Now," said he, "this man has discovered that heat emanating from a
stove strikes the roof, and that the circulation is so quickened that
the camp is warmed in much less time than would be required were the
stove in its regular place on the floor."
But the other professor ventured the opinion that the stove was elevated
to be above the window in order that cool and pure air could be had at
The host, being of a practical turn, thought that the stove was set high
in order that a good supply of green wood could be placed under it.
After much argument, they called the guide and asked why the stove was
in such a position.
The man grinned. "Well, gents," he explained, "when I brought the stove
up the river I lost most of the stove-pipe overboard; so we had to set
the stove up that way so as to have the pipe reach through the roof."
Jack Barrymore, son of Maurice Barrymore, and himself an actor of some
ability, is not over-particular about his personal appearance and is a
He was in San Francisco on the morning of the earthquake. He was thrown
out of bed by one of the shocks, spun around on the floor and left
gasping in a corner. Finally, he got to his feet and rushed for a
bathtub, where he stayed all that day. Next day he ventured out. A
soldier, with a bayonet on his gun, captured Barrymore and compelled him
to pile bricks for two days.
Barrymore was telling his terrible experience in the Lambs' Club in New
"Extraordinary," commented Augustus Thomas, the playwright. "It took a
convulsion of nature to make Jack take a bath, and the United States
Army to make him go to work."
Random Joke Topics
Presence Of Mind
Titles Of Honor And Nobility