CHAMPAGNE
MR. HILTON--"Have you opened that bottle of champagne, Bridget?"
BRIDGET--"Faith, I started to open it, an' it began to open itself.
Sure, the mon that filled that bottle must 'av' put in two quarts
instead of wan."
Sir Andrew Clark was Mr. Gladstone's physician, and was known to the
great statesman as a "temperance doctor" who very rarely prescribed
alcohol for his patients. On one occasion he surprised Mr. Gladstone by
recommending him to take some wine. In answer to his illustrious
patient's surprise he said:
"Oh, wine does sometimes help you get through work! For instance, I have
often twenty letters to answer after dinner, and a pint of champagne is
a great help."
"Indeed!" remarked Mr. Gladstone; "does a pint of champagne really help
you to answer the twenty letters?"
"No," Sir Andrew explained; "but when I've had a pint of champagne I
don't care a rap whether I answer them or not."
More
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BROOKLYN
At the Brooklyn Bridge.--"Madam, do you want to go to Brooklyn?" "No, I have to."--_Life_. ... BRYAN, WILLIAM JENNINGS
Some time after the presidential election of 1908, one of Champ Clark's friends noticed that he still wore one of the Bryan watch fobs so popular during the election. On being asked the reason for this, Champ replied: "Oh, that's to keep my watch ... BUILDINGS
Pat had gone back home to Ireland and was telling about New York. "Have they such tall buildings in America as they say, Pat?" asked the parish priest. "Tall buildings ye ask, sur?" replied Pat. "Faith, sur, the last one I worked on we had to... BURGLARS
A burglar was one night engaged in the pleasing occupation of stowing a good haul of swag in his bag when he was startled by a touch on the shoulder, and, turning his head, he beheld a venerable, mild-eyed clergyman gazing sadly at him. "Oh, my... BUSINESS
A Boston lawyer, who brought his wit from his native Dublin, while cross-examining the plaintiff in a divorce trial, brought forth the following: "You wish to divorce this woman because she drinks?" "Yes, sir." "Do you drink yourself?" ... BUSINESS ENTERPRISE
It happened in Topeka. Three clothing stores were on the same block. One morning the middle proprietor saw to the right of him a big sign--"Bankrupt Sale," and to the left--"Closing Out at Cost." Twenty minutes later there appeared over his own do... BUSINESS ETHICS
"Johnny," said his teacher, "if coal is selling at $6 a ton and you pay your dealer $24 how many tons will he bring you?" "A little over three tons, ma'am," said Johnny promptly. "Why, Johnny, that isn't right," said the teacher. "No, ma'am... BUSINESS WOMEN
Wanted--A housekeeping man by a business woman. Object matrimony. ... CAMPAIGNS
_See_ Candidates; Public speakers. ... CAMPING
Camp life is just one canned thing after another. ... CANDIDATES
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A canner, exceedingly canny, One morning remarked to his granny, "A canner can can Anything that he can; But a canner can't can a can, can he?" --Carolyn Wells. ... CAPITALISTS
Of the late Bishop Charles G. Grafton a Fond du Lac man said: "Bishop Grafton was remarkable for the neatness and point of his pulpit utterances. Once, during a disastrous strike, a capitalist of Fond du Lac arose in a church meeting and asked lea... CAREFULNESS
Michael Dugan, a journeyman plumber, was sent by his employer to the Hightower mansion to repair a gas-leak in the drawing-room. When the butler admitted him he said to Dugan: "You are requested to be careful of the floors. They have just been ... CARPENTERS
While building a house, Senator Platt of Connecticut had occasion to employ a carpenter. One of the applicants was a plain Connecticut Yankee, without any frills. "You thoroughly understand carpentry?" asked the senator. "Yes, sir." "You c... CARVING
To Our National Birds--the Eagle and the Turkey--(while the host is carving): May one give us peace in all our States, And the other a piece for all our plates. ... CASTE
In some parts of the South the darkies are still addicted to the old style country dance in a big hall, with the fiddlers, banjoists, and other musicians on a platform at one end. At one such dance held not long ago in an Alabama town, when the ... CATS
There was a young lady whose dream Was to feed a black cat on whipt cream, But the cat with a bound Spilt the milk on the ground, So she fed a whipt cat on black cream. There once were two cats in Kilkenny, And each cat th... CAUSE AND EFFECT
Archbishop Whately was one day asked if he rose early. He replied that once he did, but he was so proud all the morning and so sleepy all the afternoon that he determined never to do it again. A man who has an office downtown called his wife b... CAUTION
Marshall Field, 3rd, according to a story that was going the rounds several years ago, bids fair to become a very cautious business man when he grows up. Approaching an old lady in a Lakewood hotel, he said: "Can you crack nuts?" "No, dear," ... CHAMPAGNE
MR. HILTON--"Have you opened that bottle of champagne, Bridget?" BRIDGET--"Faith, I started to open it, an' it began to open itself. Sure, the mon that filled that bottle must 'av' put in two quarts instead of wan." Sir Andrew Clark was Mr.... CHARACTER
The Rev. Charles H. Spurgeon was fond of a joke and his keen wit was, moreover, based on sterling common sense. One day he remarked to one of his sons: "Can you tell me the reason why the lions didn't eat Daniel?" "No sir. Why was it?" "Be... CHARITY
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A western bookseller wrote to a house in Chicago asking that a dozen copies of Canon Farrar's "Seekers after God" be shipped to him at once. Within two days he received this reply by telegraph: "No seekers after God in Chicago or New York. Try... CHICKEN STEALING
Senator Money of Mississippi asked an old colored man what breed of chickens he considered best, and he replied: "All kinds has merits. De w'ite ones is de easiest to find; but de black ones is de easiest to hide aftah you gits 'em." Ida Bl... CHILD LABOR
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Two weary parents once advertised: "WANTED, AT ONCE--Two fluent and well-learned persons, male or female, to answer the questions of a little girl of three and a boy of four; each to take four hours per day and rest the parents of said children.... CHOICES
William Phillips, our secretary of embassy at London, tells of an American officer who, by the kind permission of the British Government, was once enabled to make a week's cruise on one of His Majesty's battleships. Among other things that impress... CHOIRS
_See_ Singers. ... CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS
While waiting for the speaker at a public meeting a pale little man in the audience seemed very nervous. He glanced over his shoulder from time to time and squirmed and shifted about in his seat. At last, unable to stand it longer, he arose and de... CHRISTIANS
At a dinner, when the gentlemen retired to the smoking room and one of the guests, a Japanese, remained with the ladies, one asked him: "Aren't you going to join the gentlemen, Mr. Nagasaki?" "No. I do not smoke, I do not swear, I do not drink... CHRISTMAS GIFTS
"As you don't seem to know what you'd like for Christmas, Freddie," said his mother, "here's a printed list of presents for a good little boy." Freddie read over the list, and then said: "Mother, haven't you a list for a bad little boy?" ... CHRONOLOGY
TOURIST--"They have just dug up the corner-stone of an ancient library in Greece, on which is inscribed '4000 B.C.'" ENGLISHMAN--"Before Carnegie, I presume." ... CHURCH ATTENDANCE
"Tremendous crowd up at our church last night." "New minister?" "No it was burned down." "I understand," said a young woman to another, "that at your church you are having such small congregations. Is that so?" "Yes," answered the othe... CHURCH DISCIPLINE
Pius the Ninth was not without a certain sense of humor. One day, while sitting for his portrait to Healy, the painter, speaking of a monk who had left the church and married, he observed, not without malice: "He has taken his punishment into his ... CIRCUS
A well-known theatrical manager repeats an instance of what the late W. C. Coup, of circus fame, once told him was one of the most amusing features of the show-business; the faking in the "side-show." Coup was the owner of a small circus that bo... CIVILIZATION
An officer of the Indian Office at Washington tells of the patronizing airs frequently assumed by visitors to the government schools for the redskins. On one occasion a pompous little man was being shown through one institution when he came upo... CLEANLINESS
"Among the tenements that lay within my jurisdiction when I first took up mission work on the East Side." says a New York young woman, "was one to clean out which would have called for the best efforts of the renovator of the Augean stables. And t... CLERGY
"Now, children," said the visiting minister who had been asked to question the Sunday-school, "with what did Samson arm himself to fight against the Philistines?" None of the children could tell him. "Oh, yes, you know!" he said, and to help ... CLIMATE
In a certain town the local forecaster of the weather was so often wrong that his predictions became a standing joke, to his no small annoyance, for he was very sensitive. At length, in despair of living down his reputation, he asked headquarters ...