CHRISTMAS GIFTS
"As you don't seem to know what you'd like for Christmas, Freddie," said
his mother, "here's a printed list of presents for a good little boy."
Freddie read over the list, and then said:
"Mother, haven't you a list for a bad little boy?"
'Twas the month after Christmas,
And Santa had flit;
Came there tidings for father
Which read: "Please remit!"
More
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CATS
There was a young lady whose dream Was to feed a black cat on whipt cream, But the cat with a bound Spilt the milk on the ground, So she fed a whipt cat on black cream. There once were two cats in Kilkenny, And each cat th... CAUSE AND EFFECT
Archbishop Whately was one day asked if he rose early. He replied that once he did, but he was so proud all the morning and so sleepy all the afternoon that he determined never to do it again. A man who has an office downtown called his wife b... CAUTION
Marshall Field, 3rd, according to a story that was going the rounds several years ago, bids fair to become a very cautious business man when he grows up. Approaching an old lady in a Lakewood hotel, he said: "Can you crack nuts?" "No, dear," ... CHAMPAGNE
MR. HILTON--"Have you opened that bottle of champagne, Bridget?" BRIDGET--"Faith, I started to open it, an' it began to open itself. Sure, the mon that filled that bottle must 'av' put in two quarts instead of wan." Sir Andrew Clark was Mr.... CHARACTER
The Rev. Charles H. Spurgeon was fond of a joke and his keen wit was, moreover, based on sterling common sense. One day he remarked to one of his sons: "Can you tell me the reason why the lions didn't eat Daniel?" "No sir. Why was it?" "Be... CHARITY
"Charity," said Rev. B., "is a sentiment common to human nature. A never sees B in distress without wishing C to relieve him." Dr. C.H. Parkhurst, the eloquent New York clergyman, at a recent banquet said of charity: "Too many of us, perhap... CHICAGO
A western bookseller wrote to a house in Chicago asking that a dozen copies of Canon Farrar's "Seekers after God" be shipped to him at once. Within two days he received this reply by telegraph: "No seekers after God in Chicago or New York. Try... CHICKEN STEALING
Senator Money of Mississippi asked an old colored man what breed of chickens he considered best, and he replied: "All kinds has merits. De w'ite ones is de easiest to find; but de black ones is de easiest to hide aftah you gits 'em." Ida Bl... CHILD LABOR
"What's up old man; you look as happy as a lark!" "Happy? Why shouldn't I look happy? No more hard, weary work by yours truly. I've got eight kids and I'm going to move to Alabama."--_Life_. ... CHILDREN
Two weary parents once advertised: "WANTED, AT ONCE--Two fluent and well-learned persons, male or female, to answer the questions of a little girl of three and a boy of four; each to take four hours per day and rest the parents of said children.... CHOICES
William Phillips, our secretary of embassy at London, tells of an American officer who, by the kind permission of the British Government, was once enabled to make a week's cruise on one of His Majesty's battleships. Among other things that impress... CHOIRS
_See_ Singers. ... CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS
While waiting for the speaker at a public meeting a pale little man in the audience seemed very nervous. He glanced over his shoulder from time to time and squirmed and shifted about in his seat. At last, unable to stand it longer, he arose and de... CHRISTIANS
At a dinner, when the gentlemen retired to the smoking room and one of the guests, a Japanese, remained with the ladies, one asked him: "Aren't you going to join the gentlemen, Mr. Nagasaki?" "No. I do not smoke, I do not swear, I do not drink... CHRISTMAS GIFTS
"As you don't seem to know what you'd like for Christmas, Freddie," said his mother, "here's a printed list of presents for a good little boy." Freddie read over the list, and then said: "Mother, haven't you a list for a bad little boy?" ... CHRONOLOGY
TOURIST--"They have just dug up the corner-stone of an ancient library in Greece, on which is inscribed '4000 B.C.'" ENGLISHMAN--"Before Carnegie, I presume." ... CHURCH ATTENDANCE
"Tremendous crowd up at our church last night." "New minister?" "No it was burned down." "I understand," said a young woman to another, "that at your church you are having such small congregations. Is that so?" "Yes," answered the othe... CHURCH DISCIPLINE
Pius the Ninth was not without a certain sense of humor. One day, while sitting for his portrait to Healy, the painter, speaking of a monk who had left the church and married, he observed, not without malice: "He has taken his punishment into his ... CIRCUS
A well-known theatrical manager repeats an instance of what the late W. C. Coup, of circus fame, once told him was one of the most amusing features of the show-business; the faking in the "side-show." Coup was the owner of a small circus that bo... CIVILIZATION
An officer of the Indian Office at Washington tells of the patronizing airs frequently assumed by visitors to the government schools for the redskins. On one occasion a pompous little man was being shown through one institution when he came upo... CLEANLINESS
"Among the tenements that lay within my jurisdiction when I first took up mission work on the East Side." says a New York young woman, "was one to clean out which would have called for the best efforts of the renovator of the Augean stables. And t... CLERGY
"Now, children," said the visiting minister who had been asked to question the Sunday-school, "with what did Samson arm himself to fight against the Philistines?" None of the children could tell him. "Oh, yes, you know!" he said, and to help ... CLIMATE
In a certain town the local forecaster of the weather was so often wrong that his predictions became a standing joke, to his no small annoyance, for he was very sensitive. At length, in despair of living down his reputation, he asked headquarters ... CLOTHING
One morning as Mark Twain returned from a neighborhood morning call, sans necktie, his wife met him at the door with the exclamation: "There, Sam, you have been over to the Stowes's again without a necktie! It's really disgraceful the way you negl... CLUBS
Belle and Ben had just announced their engagement. "When we are married," said Belle, "I shall expect you to shave every morning. It's one of the rules of the club I belong to that none of its members shall marry a man who won't shave every morn... COAL DEALERS
In a Kansas town where two brothers are engaged in the retail coal business a revival was recently held and the elder of the brothers was converted. For weeks he tried to persuade his brother to join the church. One day he asked: "Why can't you... COEDUCATION
The speaker was waxing eloquent, and after his peroration on woman's rights he said: "When they take our girls, as they threaten, away from the coeducational colleges, what will follow? What will follow, I repeat?" And a loud, masculine voice i... COFFEE
Among the coffee-drinkers a high place must be given to Bismarck. He liked coffee unadulterated. While with the Prussian Army in France he one day entered a country inn and asked the host if he had any chicory in the house. He had. Bismarck said--...