After Dinner Speeches
Employers And Employees
Joke Topics Home
"Say, dad, remember that story you told me about when you were expelled
"Well, I was just thinking, dad, how true it is that history repeats
WANTED: Burly beauty-proof individual to read meters in sorority houses.
We haven't made a nickel in two years. The Gas Co.--_Michigan
FRESHMAN--"I have a sliver in my finger."
SOP--"Been scratching your head?"
STUDE--"Do you smoke, professor?"
PROF.--"Why, yes, I'm very fond of a good cigar."
STUDE--"Do you drink, sir?"
PROF.--"Yes, indeed, I enjoy nothing better than a bottle of wine."
STUDE--"Gee, it's going to cost me something to pass this
Three boys from Yale, Princeton and Harvard were in a room when a lady
entered. The Yale boy asked languidly if some fellow ought not to give a
chair to the lady; the Princeton boy slowly brought one, and the Harvard
boy deliberately sat down in it.--_Life_.
A college professor was one day nearing the close of a history lecture
and was indulging in one of those rhetorical climaxes in which he
delighted when the hour struck. The students immediately began to slam
down the movable arms of their lecture chairs and to prepare to leave.
The professor, annoyed at the interruption of his flow of eloquence,
held up his hand:
"Wait just one minute, gentlemen. I have a few more pearls to cast."
When Rutherford B. Hayes was a student at college it was his custom to
take a walk before breakfast.
One morning two of his student friends went with him. After walking a
short distance they met an old man with a long white beard. Thinking
that they would have a little fun at the old man's expense, the first
one bowed to him very gracefully and said: "Good morning, Father
The next one made a low bow and said: "Good morning, Father Isaac."
Young Hayes then made his bow and said: "Good morning Father Jacob."
The old man looked at them a moment and then said: "Young men, I am
neither Abraham, Isaac nor Jacob. I am Saul, the son of Kish, and I am
out looking for my father's asses, and lo, I have found them."
A western college boy amused himself by writing stories and giving them
to papers for nothing. His father objected and wrote to the boy that he
was wasting his time. In answer the college lad wrote:
"So, dad, you think I am wasting my time in writing for the local papers
and cite Johnson's saying that the man who writes, except for money, is
a fool. I shall act upon Doctor Johnson's suggestion and write for
money. Send me fifty dollars."
The president of an eastern university had just announced in chapel that
the freshman class was the largest enrolled in the history of the
institution. Immediately he followed the announcement by reading the
text for the morning: "Lord, how are they increased that trouble me!"
STUDE.--"Is it possible to confide a secret to you?"
FRIEND--"Certainly. I will be as silent as the grave."
STUDE--"Well, then, I have a pressing need for two bucks."
FRIEND--"Do not worry. It is as if I had heard nothing." --_-Michigan
"Why did you come to college, anyway? You are not studying," said the
"Well," said Willie, "I don't know exactly myself. Mother says it is to
fit me for the Presidency; Uncle Bill, to sow my wild oats; Sis, to get
a chum for her to marry, and Pa, to bankrupt the family."
A young Irishman at college in want of twenty-five dollars wrote to his
uncle as follows:
"Dear Uncle.--If you could see how I blush for shame while I
am writing, you would pity me. Do you know why? Because I have
to ask you for a few dollars, and do not know how to express
myself. It is impossible for me to tell you. I prefer to die.
I send you this by messenger, who will wait for an answer.
Believe me, my dearest uncle, your most obedient and
"P.S.--Overcome with shame for what I have written, I have
been running after the messenger in order to take the letter
from him, but I cannot catch him. Heaven grant that something
may happen to stop him, or that this letter may get lost."
The uncle was naturally touched, but was equal to the emergency. He
replied as follows:
"My Dear Jack--Console yourself and blush no more. Providence
has heard your prayers. The messenger lost your letter. Your
The professor was delivering the final lecture of the term. He dwelt
with much emphasis on the fact that each student should devote all the
intervening time preparing for the final examinations.
"The examination papers are now in the hands of the printer. Are there
any questions to be asked?"
Silence prevailed. Suddenly a voice from the rear inquired:
"Who's the printer?"
It was Commencement Day at a well-known woman's college, and the father
of one of the young women came to attend the graduation exercises. He
was presented to the president, who said, "I congratulate you, sir, upon
your extremely large and affectionate family."
"Large and affectionate?" he stammered and looking very much surprised.
"Yes, indeed," said the president. "No less than twelve of your
daughter's brothers have called frequently during the winter to take her
driving and sleighing, while your eldest son escorted her to the theater
at least twice a week. Unusually nice brothers they are."
The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars, nor its
great scholars great men.--_O.W. Holmes_.
_See also_ Harvard university; Scholarship.
Next: COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES
Previous: COLLEGE GRADUATES
Random Joke Topics
Weights And Measures