After Dinner Speeches
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The parson looks it o'er and frets.
It puts him out of sorts
To see how many times he gets
A penny for his thoughts.
There were introductions all around. The big man stared in a puzzled way
at the club guest. "You look like a man I've seen somewhere, Mr.
Blinker," he said. "Your face seems familiar. I fancy you have a double.
And a funny thing about it is that I remember I formed a strong
prejudice against the man who looks like you--although, I'm quite sure,
we never met."
The little guest softly laughed. "I'm the man," he answered, "and I know
why you formed the prejudice. I passed the contribution plate for two
years in the church you attended."
The collections had fallen off badly in the colored church and the
pastor made a short address before the box was passed.
"I don' want any man to gib mo' dan his share, bredern," he said gently,
"but we mus' all gib ercordin' to what we rightly hab. I say 'rightly
hab," bredern, because we don't want no tainted money in dis box.
'Squire Jones tol' me dat he done miss some chickens dis week. Now if
any of our bredern hab fallen by de wayside in connection wif dose
chickens let him stay his hand from de box.
"Now, Deacon Smiff, please pass de box while I watch de signs an' see if
dere's any one in dis congregation dat needs me ter wrastle in prayer
A newly appointed Scotch minister on his first Sunday of office had
reason to complain of the poorness of the collection. "Mon," replied one
of the elders, "they are close--vera close."
"But," confidentially, "the auld meenister he put three or four
saxpenses into the plate hissel', just to gie them a start. Of course he
took the saxpenses awa' with him afterward." The new minister tried the
same plan, but the next Sunday he again had to report a dismal failure.
The total collection was not only small, but he was grieved to find that
his own sixpences were missing. "Ye may be a better preacher than the
auld meenister," exclaimed the elder, "but if ye had half the knowledge
o' the world, an' o' yer ain flock in particular, ye'd ha' done what he
did an' glued the saxpenses to the plate."
POLICE COMMISSIONER--"If you were ordered to disperse a mob, what would
APPLICANT--"Pass around the hat, sir."
POLICE COMMISSIONER--"That'll do; you're engaged."
"I advertized that the poor were made welcome in this church," said the
vicar to his congregation, "and as the offertory amounts to ninety-five
cents, I see that they have come."
_See also_ Salvation.
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