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CORPULENCE
The wife of a prominent Judge was making arrangements with the colored laundress of the village to take charge of their washing for the summer. Now, the Judge was pompous and extremely fat. He tipped the scales at some three hundred pounds. "Mi... COSMOPOLITANISM
Secretary of State Lazansky refused to incorporate the Hell Cafe of New York. "New York's cafes are singular enough," said Mr. Lazansky, "without the addition of such a queerly named institution as the Hell." He smiled and added: "Is there... COST OF LIVING
"Did you punish our son for throwing a lump of coal at Willie Smiggs?" asked the careful mother. "I did," replied the busy father. "I don't care so much for the Smiggs boy, but I can't have anybody in this family throwing coal around like that.... COUNTRY LIFE
BILTER (at servants' agency)--"Have you got a cook who will go to the country?" MANAGER (calling out to girls in next room)--"Is there any one here who would like to spend a day in the country?"--_Life_. VISITOR--"You have a fine road leadi... COURAGE
AUNT ETHEL--"Well, Beatrice, were you very brave at the dentist's?" BEATRICE--"Yes, auntie, I was." AUNT ETHEL--"Then, there's the half crown I promised you. And now tell me what he did to you." BEATRICE--"He pulled out two of Willie's teet... COURTESY
The mayor of a French town had, in accordance with the regulations, to make out a passport for a rich and highly respectable lady of his acquaintance, who, in spite of a slight disfigurement, was very vain of her personal appearance. His native po... COURTS
One day when old Thaddeus Stevens was practicing in the courts he didn't like the ruling of the presiding Judge. A second time when the Judge ruled against "old Thad," the old man got up with scarlet face and quivering lips and commenced tying up ... COURTSHIP
"Do you think a woman believes you when you tell her she is the first girl you ever loved?" "Yes, if you're the first liar she has ever met." Augustus Fitzgibbons Moran Fell in love with Maria McCann. With a yell and a who... COWARDS
Mrs. Hicks was telling some ladies about the burglar scare in her house the night before. "Yes," she said, "I heard a noise and got up, and there, from under the bed, I saw a man's legs sticking out." "Mercy!" exclaimed a woman. "The burglar'... COWS
Little Willie, being a city boy, had never seen a cow. While on a visit to his grandmother he walked out across the fields with his cousin John. A cow was grazing there, and Willie's curiosity was greatly excited. "Oh, Cousin John, what is that?... CRITICISM
FIRST MUSIC CRITIC--"I wasted a whole evening by going to that new pianist's concert last night!" SECOND MUSIC CRITIC--"Why?" FIRST MUSIC CRITIC--"His playing was above criticism!" As soon Seek roses in ... CRUELTY
"Why do you beat your little son? It was the cat that upset the vase of flowers." "I can't beat the cat. I belong to the S.P.C.A." ... CUCUMBERS
Consider the ways of the little green cucumber, which never does its best fighting till it's down.--Stanford Chaparral. ... CULTURE
_See_ Kultur. ... CURFEW
A former resident of Marshall, Mo., was asking about the old town. "I understand they have a curfew law out there now," he said. "No," his informant answered, "they did have one, but they abandoned it." "What was the matter?" "Well, the ... CURIOSITY
The Christmas church services were proceeding very successfully when a woman in the gallery got so interested that she leaned out too far and fell over the railing. Her dress caught in a chandelier, and she was suspended in mid-air. The minister n... CYCLONES
_See_ Windfalls. ... DACHSHUNDS
A little boy was entertaining the minister the other day until his mother could complete her toilet. The minister, to make congenial conversation, inquired: "Have you a dog?" "Yes, sir; a dachshund," responded the lad. "Where is he?" question... DAMAGES
A Chicago lawyer tells of a visit he received from a Mrs. Delehanty, accompanied by Mr. Delehanty, the day after Mrs. Delehanty and a Mrs. Cassidy had indulged in a little difference of opinion. When he had listened to the recital of Mrs. Deleha... DANCING
He was a remarkably stout gentleman, excessively fond of dancing, so his friends asked him why he had stopped, and was it final? "Oh, no, I hope not," sighed the old fellow. "I still love it, and I've merely stopped until I can find a concave la... DEAD BEATS
See _Bills_; Collecting of accounts. ... DEBTS
A train traveling through the West was held up by masked bandits. Two friends, who were on their way to California, were among the passengers. "Here's where we lose all our money," one said, as a robber entered the car. "You don't think they'... DEER
"The deer's a mighty useful beast From Petersburg to Tennyson For while he lives he lopes around And when he's dead he's venison." --_Ellis Parker Butler_. ... DEGREES
A young theologian named Fiddle Refused to accept his degree; "For," said he, "'tis enough to be Fiddle, Without being Fiddle D.D." ...