DETECTIVES
When Conan Doyle arrived for the first time in Boston he was instantly
recognized by the cabman whose vehicle he had engaged. When the great
literary man offered to pay his fare the cabman said quite respectfully:
"If you please, sir, I should much prefer a ticket to your lecture. If
you should have none with you a visiting-card penciled by yourself would
do."
Conan Doyle laughed.
"Tell me," he said, "how did you know who I was, and I will give you
tickets for your whole family."
"Thank you sir," was the reply. "Why, we all knew--that is, all the
members of the Cabmen's Literary Guild knew--that you were coming by
this train. I happen to be the only member on duty at the station this
morning. If you will excuse personal remarks your coat lapels are badly
twisted downward where they have been grasped by the pertinacious New
York reporters. Your hair has the Quakerish cut of a Philadelphia
barber, and your hat, battered at the brim in front, shows where you
have tightly grasped it in the struggle to stand your ground at a
Chicago literary luncheon. Your right overshoe has a large block of
Buffalo mud just under the instep, the odor of a Utica cigar hangs about
your clothing, and the overcoat itself shows the slovenly brushing of
the porters of the through sleepers from Albany, and stenciled upon the
very end of the 'Wellington' in fairly plain lettering is your name,
'Conan Doyle.'"
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COURTSHIP
"Do you think a woman believes you when you tell her she is the first girl you ever loved?" "Yes, if you're the first liar she has ever met." Augustus Fitzgibbons Moran Fell in love with Maria McCann. With a yell and a who... COWARDS
Mrs. Hicks was telling some ladies about the burglar scare in her house the night before. "Yes," she said, "I heard a noise and got up, and there, from under the bed, I saw a man's legs sticking out." "Mercy!" exclaimed a woman. "The burglar'... COWS
Little Willie, being a city boy, had never seen a cow. While on a visit to his grandmother he walked out across the fields with his cousin John. A cow was grazing there, and Willie's curiosity was greatly excited. "Oh, Cousin John, what is that?... CRITICISM
FIRST MUSIC CRITIC--"I wasted a whole evening by going to that new pianist's concert last night!" SECOND MUSIC CRITIC--"Why?" FIRST MUSIC CRITIC--"His playing was above criticism!" As soon Seek roses in ... CRUELTY
"Why do you beat your little son? It was the cat that upset the vase of flowers." "I can't beat the cat. I belong to the S.P.C.A." ... CUCUMBERS
Consider the ways of the little green cucumber, which never does its best fighting till it's down.--Stanford Chaparral. ... CULTURE
_See_ Kultur. ... CURFEW
A former resident of Marshall, Mo., was asking about the old town. "I understand they have a curfew law out there now," he said. "No," his informant answered, "they did have one, but they abandoned it." "What was the matter?" "Well, the ... CURIOSITY
The Christmas church services were proceeding very successfully when a woman in the gallery got so interested that she leaned out too far and fell over the railing. Her dress caught in a chandelier, and she was suspended in mid-air. The minister n... CYCLONES
_See_ Windfalls. ... DACHSHUNDS
A little boy was entertaining the minister the other day until his mother could complete her toilet. The minister, to make congenial conversation, inquired: "Have you a dog?" "Yes, sir; a dachshund," responded the lad. "Where is he?" question... DAMAGES
A Chicago lawyer tells of a visit he received from a Mrs. Delehanty, accompanied by Mr. Delehanty, the day after Mrs. Delehanty and a Mrs. Cassidy had indulged in a little difference of opinion. When he had listened to the recital of Mrs. Deleha... DANCING
He was a remarkably stout gentleman, excessively fond of dancing, so his friends asked him why he had stopped, and was it final? "Oh, no, I hope not," sighed the old fellow. "I still love it, and I've merely stopped until I can find a concave la... DEAD BEATS
See _Bills_; Collecting of accounts. ... DEBTS
A train traveling through the West was held up by masked bandits. Two friends, who were on their way to California, were among the passengers. "Here's where we lose all our money," one said, as a robber entered the car. "You don't think they'... DEER
"The deer's a mighty useful beast From Petersburg to Tennyson For while he lives he lopes around And when he's dead he's venison." --_Ellis Parker Butler_. ... DEGREES
A young theologian named Fiddle Refused to accept his degree; "For," said he, "'tis enough to be Fiddle, Without being Fiddle D.D." ... DEMOCRACY
"Why are you so vexed, Irma?" "I am so exasperated! I attended the meeting of the Social Equality League, and my parlor-maid presided, and she had the audacity to call me to order three times."--_M. L. Hayward_. _See also_ Ancestry. ... DEMOCRATIC PARTY
HOSPITAL PHYSICIAN--"Which ward do you wish to be taken to? A pay ward or a--" MALONEY--"Iny of thim, Doc, thot's safely Dimocratic." ... DENTISTRY
Our young hopeful came running into the house. His suit was dusty, and there was a bump on his small brow. But a gleam was in his eye, and he held out a baby tooth. "How did you pull it?" demanded his mother. "Oh," he said bravely, "it was ea... DENTISTS
The dentist is one who pulls out the teeth of others to obtain employment for his own. One day little Flora was taken to have an aching tooth removed. That night, while she was saying her prayers, her mother was surprised to hear her say: "An... DESCRIPTION
A popular soprano is said to have a voice of fine timbre, a willowy figure, cherry lips, chestnut hair, and hazel eyes. She must have been raised in the lumber regions.--_Ella Hutchison Ellwanger_. ... DESIGN, DECORATIVE
Harold watched his mother as she folded up an intricate piece of lace she had just crocheted. "Where did you get the pattern, Mamma?" he questioned. "Out of my head," she answered lightly. "Does your head feel better now, Mamma?" he asked a... DESTINATION
A Washington car conductor, born in London and still a cockney, has succeeded in extracting thrills from the alphabet--imparting excitement to the names of the national capitol's streets. On a recent Sunday morning he was calling the streets thus:... DETAILS
Charles Frohman was talking to a Philadelphia reporter about the importance of detail. "Those who work for me," he said, "follow my directions down to the very smallest item. To go wrong in detail, you know, is often to go altogether wrong--lik... DETECTIVES
When Conan Doyle arrived for the first time in Boston he was instantly recognized by the cabman whose vehicle he had engaged. When the great literary man offered to pay his fare the cabman said quite respectfully: "If you please, sir, I should m... DETERMINATION
After the death of Andrew Jackson the following conversation is said to have occurred between an Anti-Jackson broker and a Democratic merchant: MERCHANT (_with a sigh_)--"Well, the old General is dead." BROKER (_with a shrug_)--"Yes, he's gone... DIAGNOSIS
An epileptic dropped in a fit on the streets of Boston not long ago, and was taken to a hospital. Upon removing his coat there was found pinned to his waistcoat a slip of paper on which was written: "This is to inform the house-surgeon that this... DIET
Eat, drink, and be merry, for to-morrow ye diet.--_William Gilmore Beymer_. There was a young lady named Perkins, Who had a great fondness for gherkins; She went to a tea And ate twenty-three, Which pickled her internal workin... DILEMMAS
A story that has done service in political campaigns to illustrate supposed dilemmas of the opposition will likely be revived in every political "heated term." Away back, when herds of buffalo grazed along the foothills of the western mountains... DINING
A twelve course dinner might be described as a gastronomic marathon.--_John E. Rosser_. "That was the spirit of your uncle that made that table stand, turn over, and do such queer stunts." "I am not surprised; he never did have good table m... DIPLOMACY
WIFE--"Please match this piece of silk for me before you come home." HUSBAND--"At the counter where the sweet little blond works? The one with the soulful eyes and--" WIFE--"No. You're too tired to shop for me when your day's work is done, de... DISCIPLINE
_See_ Military discipline; Parents. ... DISCOUNTS
A train in Arizona was boarded by robbers, who went through the pockets of the luckless passengers. One of them happened to be a traveling salesman from New York, who, when his turn came, fished out $200, but rapidly took $4 from the pile and plac... DISCRETION
When you can, use discretion; when you can't, use a club. ... DISPOSITION
One eastern railroad has a regular form for reporting accidents to animals on its right of way. Recently a track foreman had the killing of a cow to report. In answer to the question, "Disposition of carcass?" he wrote: "Kind and gentle." There... DISTANCES
A regiment of regulars was making a long, dusty march across the rolling prairie land of Montana last summer. It was a hot, blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town. A rancher rode past. "... DIVORCE
"When a woman marries and then divorces her husband inside of a week what would you call it?" "Taking his name in vain."--_Princeton Tiger_. ... DOGS
LADY (to tramp who had been commissioned to find her lost poodle)--"The poor little darling, where did you find him?" TRAMP--"Oh, a man 'ad 'im, miss, tied to a pole, and was cleaning the windows wiv 'im!" A family moved from the city to a ... DOMESTIC FINANCE
"Talk about Napoleon! That fellow Wombat is something of a strategist himself." "As to how?" "Got his salary raised six months ago, and his wife hasn't found it out yet."--_Washington Herald_. A Lakewood woman was recently reading to her... DOMESTIC RELATIONS
There was a young man of Dunbar, Who playfully poisoned his Ma; When he'd finished his work, He remarked with a smirk, "This will cause quite a family jar." _See also_ Families; Marriage. ... DRAMA
The average modern play calls in the first act for all our faith, in the second for all our hope, and in the last for all our charity.--_Eugene Walter_. The young man in the third row of seats looked bored. He wasn't having a good time. He ca... DRAMATIC CRITICISM
Theodore Dreiser, the novelist, was talking about criticism. "I like pointed criticism," he said, "criticism such as I heard in the lobby of a theater the other night at the end of the play." "The critic was an old gentleman. His criticism, wh... DRAMATISTS
"I hear Scribbler finally got one of his plays on the boards." "Yes, the property man tore up his manuscript and used it in the snow storm scene." "So you think the author of this play will live, do you?" remarked the tourist. "Yes," rep... DRESSMAKERS
WIFE--"Wretch! Show me that letter." HUSBAND--"What letter?" WIFE--"That one in your hand. It's from a woman, I can see by the writing, and you turned pale when you saw it." HUSBAND--"Yes. Here it is. It's your dressmaker's bill." ... DRINKING
He who goes to bed, and goes to bed sober, Falls as the leaves do, and dies in October; But he who goes to bed, and does so mellow, Lives as he ought to, and dies a good fellow. --_Parody on Fletcher_. I drink when I have occas... DROUGHTS
Governor Glasscock of West Virginia, while traveling through Arizona, noticed the dry, dusty appearance of the country. "Doesn't it ever rain around here?" he asked one of the natives. "Rain?" The native spat. "Rain? Why say pardner, there's b... DRUNKARDS
Sing a song of sick gents, Pockets full of rye, Four and twenty highballs, We wish that we might die. Two booze-fiends were ambling homeward at an early hour, after being out nearly all night. "Don't your wife miss you on these oc... DYSPEPSIA
"Ah," she sighed "for many years I've suffered from dyspepsia." "And don't you take anything for it?" her friend asked. "You look healthy enough." "Oh," she replied, "I haven't indigestion: my husband has." ... ECHOES
An American and a Scotsman were walking one day near the foot of one of the Scotch mountains. The Scotsman, wishing to impress the visitor, produced a famous echo to be heard in that place. When the echo returned clearly after nearly four minutes,...