DILEMMAS
A story that has done service in political campaigns to illustrate
supposed dilemmas of the opposition will likely be revived in every
political "heated term."
Away back, when herds of buffalo grazed along the foothills of the
western mountains, two hardy prospectors fell in with a bull bison that
seemed to have been separated from his kind and run amuck. One of the
prospectors took to the branches of a tree and the other dived into a
cave. The buffalo bellowed at the entrance to the cavern and then turned
toward the tree. Out came the man from the cave, and the buffalo took
after him again. The man made another dive for the hole. After this had
been repeated several times, the man in the tree called to his comrade,
who was trembling at the mouth of the cavern:
"Stay in the cave, you idiot!"
"You don't know nothing about this hole," bawled the other. "There's a
bear in it!"
More
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CYCLONES
_See_ Windfalls. ... DACHSHUNDS
A little boy was entertaining the minister the other day until his mother could complete her toilet. The minister, to make congenial conversation, inquired: "Have you a dog?" "Yes, sir; a dachshund," responded the lad. "Where is he?" question... DAMAGES
A Chicago lawyer tells of a visit he received from a Mrs. Delehanty, accompanied by Mr. Delehanty, the day after Mrs. Delehanty and a Mrs. Cassidy had indulged in a little difference of opinion. When he had listened to the recital of Mrs. Deleha... DANCING
He was a remarkably stout gentleman, excessively fond of dancing, so his friends asked him why he had stopped, and was it final? "Oh, no, I hope not," sighed the old fellow. "I still love it, and I've merely stopped until I can find a concave la... DEAD BEATS
See _Bills_; Collecting of accounts. ... DEBTS
A train traveling through the West was held up by masked bandits. Two friends, who were on their way to California, were among the passengers. "Here's where we lose all our money," one said, as a robber entered the car. "You don't think they'... DEER
"The deer's a mighty useful beast From Petersburg to Tennyson For while he lives he lopes around And when he's dead he's venison." --_Ellis Parker Butler_. ... DEGREES
A young theologian named Fiddle Refused to accept his degree; "For," said he, "'tis enough to be Fiddle, Without being Fiddle D.D." ... DEMOCRACY
"Why are you so vexed, Irma?" "I am so exasperated! I attended the meeting of the Social Equality League, and my parlor-maid presided, and she had the audacity to call me to order three times."--_M. L. Hayward_. _See also_ Ancestry. ... DEMOCRATIC PARTY
HOSPITAL PHYSICIAN--"Which ward do you wish to be taken to? A pay ward or a--" MALONEY--"Iny of thim, Doc, thot's safely Dimocratic." ... DENTISTRY
Our young hopeful came running into the house. His suit was dusty, and there was a bump on his small brow. But a gleam was in his eye, and he held out a baby tooth. "How did you pull it?" demanded his mother. "Oh," he said bravely, "it was ea... DENTISTS
The dentist is one who pulls out the teeth of others to obtain employment for his own. One day little Flora was taken to have an aching tooth removed. That night, while she was saying her prayers, her mother was surprised to hear her say: "An... DESCRIPTION
A popular soprano is said to have a voice of fine timbre, a willowy figure, cherry lips, chestnut hair, and hazel eyes. She must have been raised in the lumber regions.--_Ella Hutchison Ellwanger_. ... DESIGN, DECORATIVE
Harold watched his mother as she folded up an intricate piece of lace she had just crocheted. "Where did you get the pattern, Mamma?" he questioned. "Out of my head," she answered lightly. "Does your head feel better now, Mamma?" he asked a... DESTINATION
A Washington car conductor, born in London and still a cockney, has succeeded in extracting thrills from the alphabet--imparting excitement to the names of the national capitol's streets. On a recent Sunday morning he was calling the streets thus:... DETAILS
Charles Frohman was talking to a Philadelphia reporter about the importance of detail. "Those who work for me," he said, "follow my directions down to the very smallest item. To go wrong in detail, you know, is often to go altogether wrong--lik... DETECTIVES
When Conan Doyle arrived for the first time in Boston he was instantly recognized by the cabman whose vehicle he had engaged. When the great literary man offered to pay his fare the cabman said quite respectfully: "If you please, sir, I should m... DETERMINATION
After the death of Andrew Jackson the following conversation is said to have occurred between an Anti-Jackson broker and a Democratic merchant: MERCHANT (_with a sigh_)--"Well, the old General is dead." BROKER (_with a shrug_)--"Yes, he's gone... DIAGNOSIS
An epileptic dropped in a fit on the streets of Boston not long ago, and was taken to a hospital. Upon removing his coat there was found pinned to his waistcoat a slip of paper on which was written: "This is to inform the house-surgeon that this... DIET
Eat, drink, and be merry, for to-morrow ye diet.--_William Gilmore Beymer_. There was a young lady named Perkins, Who had a great fondness for gherkins; She went to a tea And ate twenty-three, Which pickled her internal workin... DILEMMAS
A story that has done service in political campaigns to illustrate supposed dilemmas of the opposition will likely be revived in every political "heated term." Away back, when herds of buffalo grazed along the foothills of the western mountains... DINING
A twelve course dinner might be described as a gastronomic marathon.--_John E. Rosser_. "That was the spirit of your uncle that made that table stand, turn over, and do such queer stunts." "I am not surprised; he never did have good table m... DIPLOMACY
WIFE--"Please match this piece of silk for me before you come home." HUSBAND--"At the counter where the sweet little blond works? The one with the soulful eyes and--" WIFE--"No. You're too tired to shop for me when your day's work is done, de... DISCIPLINE
_See_ Military discipline; Parents. ... DISCOUNTS
A train in Arizona was boarded by robbers, who went through the pockets of the luckless passengers. One of them happened to be a traveling salesman from New York, who, when his turn came, fished out $200, but rapidly took $4 from the pile and plac... DISCRETION
When you can, use discretion; when you can't, use a club. ... DISPOSITION
One eastern railroad has a regular form for reporting accidents to animals on its right of way. Recently a track foreman had the killing of a cow to report. In answer to the question, "Disposition of carcass?" he wrote: "Kind and gentle." There... DISTANCES
A regiment of regulars was making a long, dusty march across the rolling prairie land of Montana last summer. It was a hot, blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town. A rancher rode past. "... DIVORCE
"When a woman marries and then divorces her husband inside of a week what would you call it?" "Taking his name in vain."--_Princeton Tiger_. ... DOGS
LADY (to tramp who had been commissioned to find her lost poodle)--"The poor little darling, where did you find him?" TRAMP--"Oh, a man 'ad 'im, miss, tied to a pole, and was cleaning the windows wiv 'im!" A family moved from the city to a ... DOMESTIC FINANCE
"Talk about Napoleon! That fellow Wombat is something of a strategist himself." "As to how?" "Got his salary raised six months ago, and his wife hasn't found it out yet."--_Washington Herald_. A Lakewood woman was recently reading to her... DOMESTIC RELATIONS
There was a young man of Dunbar, Who playfully poisoned his Ma; When he'd finished his work, He remarked with a smirk, "This will cause quite a family jar." _See also_ Families; Marriage. ... DRAMA
The average modern play calls in the first act for all our faith, in the second for all our hope, and in the last for all our charity.--_Eugene Walter_. The young man in the third row of seats looked bored. He wasn't having a good time. He ca... DRAMATIC CRITICISM
Theodore Dreiser, the novelist, was talking about criticism. "I like pointed criticism," he said, "criticism such as I heard in the lobby of a theater the other night at the end of the play." "The critic was an old gentleman. His criticism, wh... DRAMATISTS
"I hear Scribbler finally got one of his plays on the boards." "Yes, the property man tore up his manuscript and used it in the snow storm scene." "So you think the author of this play will live, do you?" remarked the tourist. "Yes," rep... DRESSMAKERS
WIFE--"Wretch! Show me that letter." HUSBAND--"What letter?" WIFE--"That one in your hand. It's from a woman, I can see by the writing, and you turned pale when you saw it." HUSBAND--"Yes. Here it is. It's your dressmaker's bill." ... DRINKING
He who goes to bed, and goes to bed sober, Falls as the leaves do, and dies in October; But he who goes to bed, and does so mellow, Lives as he ought to, and dies a good fellow. --_Parody on Fletcher_. I drink when I have occas... DROUGHTS
Governor Glasscock of West Virginia, while traveling through Arizona, noticed the dry, dusty appearance of the country. "Doesn't it ever rain around here?" he asked one of the natives. "Rain?" The native spat. "Rain? Why say pardner, there's b... DRUNKARDS
Sing a song of sick gents, Pockets full of rye, Four and twenty highballs, We wish that we might die. Two booze-fiends were ambling homeward at an early hour, after being out nearly all night. "Don't your wife miss you on these oc... DYSPEPSIA
"Ah," she sighed "for many years I've suffered from dyspepsia." "And don't you take anything for it?" her friend asked. "You look healthy enough." "Oh," she replied, "I haven't indigestion: my husband has." ...