DOMESTIC RELATIONS
There was a young man of Dunbar,
Who playfully poisoned his Ma;
When he'd finished his work,
He remarked with a smirk,
"This will cause quite a family jar."
_See also_ Families; Marriage.
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DIAGNOSIS
An epileptic dropped in a fit on the streets of Boston not long ago, and was taken to a hospital. Upon removing his coat there was found pinned to his waistcoat a slip of paper on which was written: "This is to inform the house-surgeon that this... DIET
Eat, drink, and be merry, for to-morrow ye diet.--_William Gilmore Beymer_. There was a young lady named Perkins, Who had a great fondness for gherkins; She went to a tea And ate twenty-three, Which pickled her internal workin... DILEMMAS
A story that has done service in political campaigns to illustrate supposed dilemmas of the opposition will likely be revived in every political "heated term." Away back, when herds of buffalo grazed along the foothills of the western mountains... DINING
A twelve course dinner might be described as a gastronomic marathon.--_John E. Rosser_. "That was the spirit of your uncle that made that table stand, turn over, and do such queer stunts." "I am not surprised; he never did have good table m... DIPLOMACY
WIFE--"Please match this piece of silk for me before you come home." HUSBAND--"At the counter where the sweet little blond works? The one with the soulful eyes and--" WIFE--"No. You're too tired to shop for me when your day's work is done, de... DISCIPLINE
_See_ Military discipline; Parents. ... DISCOUNTS
A train in Arizona was boarded by robbers, who went through the pockets of the luckless passengers. One of them happened to be a traveling salesman from New York, who, when his turn came, fished out $200, but rapidly took $4 from the pile and plac... DISCRETION
When you can, use discretion; when you can't, use a club. ... DISPOSITION
One eastern railroad has a regular form for reporting accidents to animals on its right of way. Recently a track foreman had the killing of a cow to report. In answer to the question, "Disposition of carcass?" he wrote: "Kind and gentle." There... DISTANCES
A regiment of regulars was making a long, dusty march across the rolling prairie land of Montana last summer. It was a hot, blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town. A rancher rode past. "... DIVORCE
"When a woman marries and then divorces her husband inside of a week what would you call it?" "Taking his name in vain."--_Princeton Tiger_. ... DOGS
LADY (to tramp who had been commissioned to find her lost poodle)--"The poor little darling, where did you find him?" TRAMP--"Oh, a man 'ad 'im, miss, tied to a pole, and was cleaning the windows wiv 'im!" A family moved from the city to a ... DOMESTIC FINANCE
"Talk about Napoleon! That fellow Wombat is something of a strategist himself." "As to how?" "Got his salary raised six months ago, and his wife hasn't found it out yet."--_Washington Herald_. A Lakewood woman was recently reading to her... DOMESTIC RELATIONS
There was a young man of Dunbar, Who playfully poisoned his Ma; When he'd finished his work, He remarked with a smirk, "This will cause quite a family jar." _See also_ Families; Marriage. ... DRAMA
The average modern play calls in the first act for all our faith, in the second for all our hope, and in the last for all our charity.--_Eugene Walter_. The young man in the third row of seats looked bored. He wasn't having a good time. He ca... DRAMATIC CRITICISM
Theodore Dreiser, the novelist, was talking about criticism. "I like pointed criticism," he said, "criticism such as I heard in the lobby of a theater the other night at the end of the play." "The critic was an old gentleman. His criticism, wh... DRAMATISTS
"I hear Scribbler finally got one of his plays on the boards." "Yes, the property man tore up his manuscript and used it in the snow storm scene." "So you think the author of this play will live, do you?" remarked the tourist. "Yes," rep... DRESSMAKERS
WIFE--"Wretch! Show me that letter." HUSBAND--"What letter?" WIFE--"That one in your hand. It's from a woman, I can see by the writing, and you turned pale when you saw it." HUSBAND--"Yes. Here it is. It's your dressmaker's bill." ... DRINKING
He who goes to bed, and goes to bed sober, Falls as the leaves do, and dies in October; But he who goes to bed, and does so mellow, Lives as he ought to, and dies a good fellow. --_Parody on Fletcher_. I drink when I have occas... DROUGHTS
Governor Glasscock of West Virginia, while traveling through Arizona, noticed the dry, dusty appearance of the country. "Doesn't it ever rain around here?" he asked one of the natives. "Rain?" The native spat. "Rain? Why say pardner, there's b... DRUNKARDS
Sing a song of sick gents, Pockets full of rye, Four and twenty highballs, We wish that we might die. Two booze-fiends were ambling homeward at an early hour, after being out nearly all night. "Don't your wife miss you on these oc... DYSPEPSIA
"Ah," she sighed "for many years I've suffered from dyspepsia." "And don't you take anything for it?" her friend asked. "You look healthy enough." "Oh," she replied, "I haven't indigestion: my husband has." ... ECHOES
An American and a Scotsman were walking one day near the foot of one of the Scotch mountains. The Scotsman, wishing to impress the visitor, produced a famous echo to be heard in that place. When the echo returned clearly after nearly four minutes,... ECONOMY
An economist is usually a man who can save money by cutting down some other person's expenses. Economy is going without something you do want in case you should, some day, want something which you probably won't want.--_Anthony Hope_. Eco... EDITORS
Recipe for an editor: Take a personal hatred of authors, Mix this with a fiendish delight In refusing all efforts of genius And maiming all poets on sight. --_Life_. The city editor of a great New York daily was known in t... EDUCATION
Along in the sixties Pat Casey pushed a wheelbarrow across the plains from St. Joseph, Mo., to Georgetown, Colo., and shortly after that he "struck it rich"; in fact, he was credited with having more wealth than any one else in Colorado. A man of ...